Who Are You?

There's something I've been wrestling with, chewing on, and trying to figure out for a number of months now. I guess the short version would be to sum it up in identity. However, I am not good at short versions- especially on my blog! :) So, I'll expound a bit more...

These past 3 years I've been living out one of my dreams- to move overseas, love on people, grow with God, and see Him exalted among the nations. It's been a huge passion of mine since I can remember. The title for such a profession is normally referred to as a missionary. About 10 months into my time here, I was asked to lead the team that my organization had here. I did so for a little over a year and a half. During that time, I had the title of team leader. I've worn many other hats during my time here: foreigner, English teacher, aid worker, neighbor, Albanian student, friend, writer, etc. But not only that, I've had tons of other things that defined me in the past: waitress, secretary, psych student, RA, church member, daughter, sister, student, etc. We all have hundreds of things we're good at, we partake in, we study, we work at, or whatever in this life time. We pursue and maybe accomplish dreams. We fail. We climb mountains. We stay in the valley. We run. We sit. We could be defined by those things- in fact, isn't that one of the first things that someone asks you when they meet you? "What do you do? Where do you work? What are you studying..." Why? Well, we want to categorize people. If they don't fit into our perfectly made up boxes it makes us feels slightly uncomfortable to be around them. Did you ever meet someone that answered one of those questions out of the normal way? "What do you do for a living?" "Well, I am a vocational lover." (that's from one of the past team members I had over here) Odd answer- makes you feel weird, interested, or maybe a bit upset that you know they are wanting to draw you into something deeper by forcing another question.

But I'm tired of being defined by titles, jobs, or things. God started me on a journey this past spring to attempt to remove all other titles other than: Follower of Jesus (could also be His Disciple). Everything else is totally secondary! I've not lived the past 3 years (or pretty much ever...) like that, and I've faced the severe consequences and stress of the decisions I've made and the weights I've shouldered to carry. The only weight He gives to carry is to follow Him. To pursue Him above all else. Thus, when He says: "My yoke is light, and my burden easy," He really means it in truth. But we, as people, pick up hundreds of other things to add on...And then complain that He's given us too much to bear.

So, this summer has been one of the best times in my life. Why? Well, not because it's been easy and full of sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies, but because it's been filled with Him. I'm not saying that the past years before, over here, haven't been filled with Him- they've just been clouded up with so much other junk and pressures I knowingly and unknowingly placed on my shoulders. I was important. I was doing great things for God. I was needed by others. I was going places... And all those things and thoughts landed me in one of the worst places I've ever been this past winter: wondering where God was and why He allowed me to be in the place I was. When I came back here, after being in the US this spring, I knew it was going to be rough. I was leaving at the end of the summer, thus stripping myself of nearly all titles I'd been given or given myself. I became a nobody. That is, I became what I should have been all along: A Follower of God and nothing else.

As the summer draws to a close, there is a tension in my heart. Why did it take so long to learn all this? Why do I have to now leave as I'm finally understanding and getting what it means to live on mission? I've had some of the most amazing conversations and things I've been a part of this summer. Things I've dreamed of doing for the past 3 years. What a huge gift from my Beautiful Father to be here and be a part of all this right now.

The longing inside my heart to stay is great. But it's time to move on. To go back home to America... I have so much more peace as I'm preparing to go there- not cuz I have a job lined up, an apartment to move into, or smooth sailing in any arena. But because I know who I am and who I'm following as I go forth. And most days that's enough for my restless, wandering heart!