Marriage & Wildflower Meadows

For my 30th birthday this past summer, I went backpacking with two friends in the Colorado wilderness. I'd definitely recommend doing this if you haven't ever done so! There's something so sweet and special about being far away from all that is familiar and tamed.

 Being the turning of a decade for me, my heart felt very fragile and contemplative. I don't think many teenagers picture themselves turning 30 and still being single. While it has been a gift from the Lord in many ways, it's definitely not typically been a well received present from God on my part a lot of the time. Singleness became a topic of prayer, journal entries, and Scriptural searches during my time up in the mountains. On my last morning there, I sat with my Bible closed and my heart heavy. The wilderness often feels 'home' in so many ways that a big city never will for me. I wasn't ready to return home yet, and I definitely felt weighed down over the thought of going back to my hometown where I felt there were no men of any sort of interest to me (and vice versa).

As I gazed around the large rock I was laying on, I beheld the cascading waterfall, the dozens of varieties of wildflowers, assortment of pine-type trees, and other unique features to this special place. God gently and softly spoke to my heart: "This is you. You are a wildflower meadow. Unique. Wild. Untamed. Rare. But Beautiful, nonetheless. You are living in a world right now where the women surrounding you are manicured, very tamed and controllable lawns. And that is what you often see and feel from the men around you. They want someone predictable and manageable. You feel like you're too much for them, because you are. However, there is a type of man that prefers a wildflower field on a remote mountain peak in the middle of nowhere. Just because he's not been by yet doesn't mean he's not real. And it most definitely means you should stop comparing yourself to other women- I designed you very different from them for My plans and reasons. You, My beloved, are just how I made and designed you. Find rest in this truth!"

It's so hard being back in the US again, living in my hometown that's also a big city, and being surrounded by men that aren't 'rugged, mountain men' (I am meaning that figuratively, but it could definitely be realistic too, ha!). But whenever I recall this sweet truth back to mind, it brings peace and rest to my soul.

The words of Bethany Dillon's song bring freedom as well:
"You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I can do. So I won't run anymore. I am waiting on You."

How to Mourn

This winter I have been pretty absent from the blogging world. It has been a season of great sorrow and deep heart grief. Pawpaw, a close friend from the community I live in, had a stroke mid-November, was taken off life support two weeks later, and buried two weeks after that (once we were able to raise the needed funds). Two days after his burial, his wife, Big Granny, collapsed from a heart attack, was put on life support, and passed away a week and a half later in the hospital. We, once again gathered the needed funds, and she was buried at the end of December. A week later my own mother went into the hospital, and two weeks later, after a decision was made to stop all care but that which relieved the pain, she was gone within a day. The funeral was planned, family came in town, a ceremony took place, everyone left, and life went back to 'normal'. However, the odd thing was that the day after the funeral I became sick... and have been sick since- that's close to 4 months now. Sinus infection, pink eye, loss of voice, coughing, ear infections, etc. You name it, I've had it! I've tried every natural remedy there is, and even finally broke down and took an antibiotic. I'm still pretty sick, which has made me extremely angry often, but more so contemplative now. What if my external sickness is simply a manifestation of the internal sickness of heart I'm experiencing?

As I've been thinking about this topic, Google has become my friend in researching how other cultures grieve loss. And the Bible has been really interesting in looking up the topic of mourning. A week or two ago, my pastor talked about our generation being one of extreme entertainment and valuing 'levity' above all else. That has definitely been how I have been handling this process. I come home from my often emotionally exhausting job, to my house that is across from a brothel and next to a drug house, and there is nothing more overwhelming than the thought of thinking about how much I miss my mom or my dear friends. My life feels so serious and often painful, why in the world would I want to choose to mourn or grieve if I don't have to? So, instead, I turn to funny TV shows on Netflix or I watch 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' (something I'd watched with my mom) episodes on Youtube. I just want to laugh and feel light and jovial. I don't want heavy, and I most assuredly don't want to go to the places of deep pain. But could it be that I need to?

In the US, we have definitely done away with nearly all traditions. I think a lot of that is due to us being a 'melting pot' of different ethnicities, but it could also be due to us not valuing them. When I was looking up mourning on Wikipedia, it listed out the various countries and how they mourned. In the US, pretty much our only tradition is to wear black to funerals... which we also wear to weddings and formal dinners. There's nothing set aside for those that grieve to cling to or hold as sacred. Whereas, in most other countries it is either expected or required for a person who has lost someone close to them to spend 40 days, 6 months, or even a year in mourning. Not just wearing black, but not attending parties or weddings, having time off of work, fasting, or participating in other religious ceremonies. There is actual recognition that they are hurting and should be mourning and grieving. It is understood and even promoted. I am sure this alleviates the pressure I feel every day to act like I'm fine and pretend to be okay when I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life with my arm chopped off. There's been nothing for me to cling to or even have to acknowledge something is missing and vastly different in my life now.

So, the challenge God has laid over my heart has been that of entering into a season of mourning. Allowing myself to grieve, feel the pain that's there, and stop pretending I am fine. This feels very strange and scary to me. It feels like I'm signing up to be depressed on purpose- a place God rescued me from long ago, and I vowed to never return... I have no idea how one goes about mourning. But I guess the Bible will be my starting point: Be wretched, weep, fast, sit in silence, go about in sackcloth and ashes, tear your clothes... I am pretty sure I won't participate in all of those, but, then again, I don't have a clue what this season is going to look like or how long it's going to last! So, if you see me sitting on the curb in burlap, looking like I've just escaped from a fire, be sure to stop by and give me a hug- I'm sure I'm going to need one!