Since my time here in the US is drawing short (heading back in 16 days), there have been many thoughts in my mind and questions I've been repeatedly asked. One of which seems to have become everyone's favorite question...and my least favorite: 'What is the hardest part of going back?' I just want to look at them and reply: 'Well, do you have 5 hours?'
But since I've had such ample time to process and think through this matter, I think I've reached a conclusion. The reality is that I live in two vastly different places. Having been over there for 2.5 years I would often think: 'I'm not so American anymore. It would be so hard for me to go live back in the US again...' Surprise, surprise: I'm still very much American, and while it is extremely hard to live here again, it is very much ingrained in who I am and being here life and choices flow naturally (which is such a welcome, longed for feeling in many ways, and such a scary feeling in other ways). But even with the 'natural-ness' of life here there is an accompanying angst inside me. You see, while I'm still very much American, I've also acquired a little bit of South Korean, Albanian, Britain, Romanian, Colombian, etc. and a lot of Kosovar. I haven't discovered how to incorporate all that into the 'me' here in the US so well yet, so mostly it is either an awkward silence, saying something wrong and out of place, or feeling alone...But that brings us to the hardest part of going back!
I made a decisions for one world (Kosova) while living in the other world (the US). Does that even make sense to the 'normal' person? Let me attempt at explanation. While I was in Kosova, there were so many times when I thought: 'Do we really do this in America? Do people really think this way? We really have these opportunities? How in the world does this work that way there? Did I dream these things up???' And while I'm here trying to explain life, culture, customs, the people, etc. to friends here, I find myself stuck: 'I know this is how it's done, but it definitely isn't making sense. How do I explain their way of life when all I'm getting is a blank stare?' For me, the two often merge, and I forget how vastly different the two are...until a collision occurs.
Well, that collision has been engaged full force with my decision to move back to the US. I feel like I'm cutting off my leg. Not go back and live there? Move back to the US? What about this part of me; who I've become? How do I explain this to the Kosovar friends I have? I know it probably only makes sense here in the US, in this context, in this mindset, in this understanding.
And I write all this, not for sympathy or a better understanding of my heart, but rather because I think we're all engaged in this battle, this confusion of worlds, once we decide to follow Christ. Once we become citizens of a different Kingdom. The struggle for evangelism, discipleship, fasting, spending time in the Word, talking to the Father, etc. They are struggles, and so often words fail to be able to describe why they are so hard. Why can't I just say something to that person I love that is hurting? Why can I spend hours reading this silly novel and then only eek out 15 minutes in the Word? I can talk all day long and listen to other people's heart, passions, and even stories, but man when it comes to prayer... It's trying to engage your heart in another world, another Place- so contrary to the way things are here.
Well, there you go- I presented a problem and described the weight and angst of it all. Now I'm sure you're expecting me to slap on some profound wisdom or answer. I don't have one. First of all, I'm still in the US. I haven't had to fight and live out this decision I've made yet. And chances are, even after I do, I won't be slapping around wisdoms and answers...I'll merely be able to listen to others better. I'll be able to grieve with others. There won't be so much a wisdom, but more of an understanding. And more of a comfort than an answer.
Is it worth it? Well, on the foresight- looking ahead to the situation (unaware of all that will occur), I'm going to say: YES! I'd take understanding and comfort any day over someone's slapped on wisdom and patent answers.
Lord, humble me until all I have to offer this world is YOU!
