In the Fall of 2008 I entered what a lot of people term 'full-time ministry' when I moved overseas. After living and working there for 3 years, I moved home in the Fall of 2011. Within two months I was working in the inner city. It now being nearly the winter of 2014, I have completed 3 years in this position. For those of you counting, that's 6 years living and working in pretty dark, difficult circumstances. I can't express the number of times I've wanted to quit, to give up, to have a 'normal' job that doesn't require people interaction, etc.
This Fall has been one of the hardest seasons of 'work' I've yet had to endure. Most of the darkest, hardest undertakings are things I can't speak of on a public blog, but I will say this: I have been on my knees, I have been in tears, I have questioned whether deep in my heart I trusted God, and this past month I found myself entering 'survival-mode' just to make it to Christmas break. Well, I made it to the break, and here I am trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and run to Him with them. It's been hard and messy these past days!
Just now I was laying on my bed, feeling discouraged. Interesting how Satan likes to attack when someone's down, eh? Little thoughts about how my kids from work, that I've poured heart and soul into, really don't love Jesus, as seen with their words and actions on social media. Thinking about how the house across the street, that not a day goes by that I don't pray for God to move and work over there, has little change in the pimps, prostitutes, and clients that shuffle in and out their front door. How, even at the age of 30, it has not failed that nearly every year I either have to move or get a new roommate on top of already feeling lonely and unstable as a single woman. Things with family. Things with my health. And the list goes on. All that rushed through my head as I lay gazing at my wall I'd just spent a few hours re-doing with pictures and quotes. The verse in one of the frames caught my eye: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl..." Matthew 5:14 In those few words I saw a glimpse into my weary heart!
How much I long to turn off the light I'm shining, to hide it under a bowl, to run from having to shine it out to others. But, as the verse says, the Light that's in my heart isn't a thing to be turned off and on. It's become me, now that Jesus has ownership of my heart and life. In His words: "You are the light of the world..." No matter how weary or discouraged I become, I can't stop shining- it's who I am! And strangely, even though I'm not entirely sure why, that brings great comfort to my tired, down-trodden soul tonight. The Light inside will continue to shine, because It's not dependent upon me and how I'm doing, but upon Another. That, my friends, brings hope and is the best of news!
