Not Gettin Out of Bed!

This morning I had a flashback to my growing up years, in particular the teen years. This morning I woke up at 7am and was reading and praying through some things. It is Sunday so my thoughts turned to going to church and getting ready for that. And I just really felt like I shouldn't. This week has been longer than any other week I can remember in my life, and I just really needed to get back in my bed. So, I reluctantly ignored the text on my phone from a friend inviting me to banana pancakes at the bakery next door, mentally thought through what it meant to not be at church, and pulled the covers back and climbed inside. It felt weird! I knew I wouldn't sleep, but I also knew that I needed to rest. So, for an hour or so I laid there and thought about life, team stuff, my work here, the people I've come to love and cherish, and so many other things. Then my thoughts floated back to a time in my life when I always was in my bed. I was severely depressed and all I ever wanted to do was sleep. Everything felt overwhelming and out of control. I couldn't handle anything, so all I ever wanted to do was sleep. Once I got into college, this pattern continued a bit, but not as severe. However, as I was considering my major, I came across a Christian professor who taught psychology. She was a big influence on my choice of taking that path. But one thing she said has always stuck with me: "A person who struggles with depression before they are 18, when their brain is still forming, will struggle with depression for the remainder of their life in different degrees." Right there I felt and thought I knew for sure, my fate was sealed...

What I didn't take into account is God's grace! It has been years since I struggled and really battled with depression. This isn't to say that I won't again or that I don't have my days or weeks that I feel overwhelmed and out of control. But it doesn't rule my life, dictate my plans, or effect and harm those around me as it did. I am free! And here's what I think the reason why is.

Before I begin, I want you to know that I am not giving a formula or check list on how to live life. This is my own story and I am sharing simply because I think it gives Him the glory due Him. Every life and heart is different. You must seek Him to find your own healing and path!

The first thing is that I believe my heart to be healthy. During the years of depression, it involved a lot of hiding; namely from myself. So, learning to be honest with myself, God, and those around me (utterly honest!) was the first step. Secondly, I discovered the God of the Bible. Growing up I thought Him to be controlling, caring more about running the world and it didn't matter what happened to me in the process, desiring my obedience at any cost, Someone who had a list of rules in one hand and a rod in the other, and so many other things that were vastly wrong! He is running the universe. He is a God of order and rules. He does possess all control. But accompanying all those things is His overwhelming grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, and wonderful heart for His children. Once I realized these two things, it took the huge pressure off myself that I had put there to be perfect for myself and God. I was beginning to breathe again!

And lastly, I took my life and decided to stop investing it in me (this one isn't fully mastered- don't hear me say that...). My life and decisions and choices were centered and focused on me- how to protect my pride, how to get all the things I wanted, how to be looked upon as someone amazing and wonderful, etc. It has been a long process, and I still have so far to go, but I am progressing. I can see and feel this each day.

When I lived in The States it was so much easier to focus my life and thoughts around me. It was simply at my fingertips. Here it is so obvious- nothing is about me, my comfort, or my pride! Everyday I wake up to this- with the power off, the lack of easy things to cook, people who don't understand or appreciate all the time and effort I am pouring into them, and hundreds of other things. Christina is just a little peon. And let me tell you something so profound: I was made to be just that! So, my fullness of joy, hope, life, and love are only found when I walk in that. Life isn't about me, and I won't ever have any fullness in life until I truly proceed forth in that manner.

And I wrestle and struggle everyday with why God choice me to live this? I am so judgmental and I don't know how to gently say things so much of the time. I so often want to throw my computer across the room as I read Facebook and Twitter updates about TV shows, all the money spent on decorating a room for your baby, complaining about jobs, new cars, and the list is endless. God does give us joy and created our hearts to find pleasure in earthly things. That's not wrong, but what is wrong is making those things ultimate. And that is what I see and feel all the time. How can we read the Word and believe it with all our hearts and not sell out for it? Do you believe Jesus is the only way to the Father? That in Him is the only fullness of life, joy, and love? I have a country of thousands upon thousands that have never heard those words. Do you believe hell is a reality? How about Satan's existence? The oppression and reality of both those things leave me in tears and speechless time after time as I stand overlooking my city. Do you think porn, pre-marital sex, and adultery ruin the heart and therefore life? There probably isn't a boy in this country that passes the age of 12 without viewing porn. There probably isn't a girl here that isn't taught that her body is the key to her worth and future happiness in claiming the best husband. Most men frequent the hotels and other venues to find a woman other then their wife to sleep with. A woman is not to be loved; she's to be used... And I could list so many other things.

Some days I hate being on the front lines and having my heart ripped from my chest with images, stories, burdens, and just the oppression of it all. Some days I feel the blessing and privilege that He brought me here to be used by Him for His glory. But every day, I wrestle with how to share what I am learning and what I've seen. I am but a mere broken instrument. Nothing at all special. So, here's my humble plea: Pray with me! War for this country and others around the world. God is at work all throughout His universe! Come visit. Have your eyes and heart opened and broken for the world. I promise you will walk away changed and with a deeper view of Him. Support someone through your emails, letters, money, etc. I can honestly tell you that apart from Christ and His Word, the fuel for my life here is faithful men and women who constantly pray for me, encourage me, and love on me. I am nothing without them! But most here don't have that. They labor and toil silently and frustrated that no one back home cares. And that breaks my heart. Mission work isn't to be done alone, but most of the time it is.

So, there's my soapbox. I hope in some way it touched or stirred your heart. Know that I am praying for you and I love you more than words can depict!