OT Thoughts

Well, I've been slowly trucking through reading the entire Word. I feel like the tortiose- I know it isn't a race, but the goal was to read It through and one day I will achieve! Haha. My plan of action was to have my list of all the books and all the chapters in front of me and tick them off as I read them. (Something in me rebels against the normal structures of reading it through, so I am picking my own path) *I wouldn't recommend this way unless you already have a grasp on the Big Narrative and Story that is going through the entire Word.* This has taken me through a great portion of the OT, and so I wanted to share just a few thoughts I found interesting lately:

- Leviticus 23:42 (Just referencing this, haven't read the book through yet)- God commands the Israelites to live in "booths", or makeshift houses for an entire week. It is to remind them of how He delivered them from Egypt. But it just struck me as cool- God just commanded them to go camping, basically. To do without all the "modern conveniences" of their own homes. To fast (yikes) from their possessions and comfort and remember His provision and grace upon their past and implications on their future. How we all need to do this regularly as well!

- Nehemiah 9:36- This verse struck me as so profound and applicable! I am going to quote it: "Behold, we are slaves this day; in the land that You gave our fathers to enjoy its fruit and its good gifts, behold, we are slaves." Wow! How often do we do and live in the same manner. God gives us freedom, life, joy, hope, love, and blessings beyond number and we walk away. Trade it in for a big screen TV and the endless episodes we can fill our lives with. Or a car that is way bigger than we need, just so we can show our status to those around while we grind ourselves into debt with the bills and gas payments. Or how about making someone Ultimate in our hearts, lives, and decisions and they fall short cuz they are but a mere sinful human prone to mistakes. Or one I struggle with over and over: I can do it in my own strength, my plans are best, and I just need You to bless them and walk beside them. We enslave ourselves in the Promise Land and don't even see or feel it so often.

- Exodus 16 begins the journey through the wilderness to the land of Canaan. God takes Israel the long way cuz He knew their hearts weren't ready to receive the blessings He had prepared for them. He had to break them beforehand so they could see HIM in all things. They had gotten used to the "meat and fine foods" in Egypt. As they walked, they remembered that and not the bondage that accompanied those delicacies. God had better food and things in store for them, but had they walked straight into The Promised Land from Canaan, they would have thanked themselves and left God out of the equation all together. How merciful and beautiful of Him to strip them away and leave them with just Him! He knew what their hearts needed and they needed to be pruned. I think that has applied to my own life over and over again. Looking back I can see how I enslave myself with something, I cry out to Him for saving, He does, but He doesn't deliver me into blessings right away, but rather He takes me the long way through the desert to see Him more clearly. "I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You..." Job 42:5

Hope these touched your heart in just a small portion as they did mine!

Eek...Fasting!

This is one of my least favorite topics to talk about, and even more so my absolute least favorite to partake in. Oh man, there is something about fasting that I truly just loathe. I know it has to do with my flesh and it's craving for ease and comfort. Somehow I've mastered living life in ways that I put myself in circumstances that I have to do without. However, it is an entirely different thing to do without when you have it sitting right in front of you! I so often convince myself that fasting for me is pointless cuz I just sit there and try my hardest to pray and think on other things besides the fact that I feel I am starving and that I feel this discipline is pointless right then. The funniest part of it all is that I often skip meals and go a long time during the day before eating. But that's only if I am doing other things and haven't made a conscience effort to not eat...

And so in the midst of all that, I still know that it is a good discipline to do and do regularly. I am just really terrible at it, if we were honest here. And so today, once again, I tried to humble my heart, my desires, and place Him and His desires above my own. There have been some things going on in life that really needed prayer, so I committed to fast this morning. Don't laugh, but I made it to noon before caving in! (I can truly rationalize my way out of anything when it comes to fasting) And as I got up to get my raspberry yogurt out of the fridge that had been calling my name for a few hours, the mosques nearby began their mid-morning call to prayer. And I had to stop and think. What an amazing God I serve. Who doesn't look at me and see my inability to serve and love Him with my whole heart this morning. Who doesn't judge and say, "When are you going to learn to just deny yourself? You would be much better off if you would just listen and obey Me!" He's not ashamed or embarrassed He called one so pathetic as me. I don't have to fast for a month to earn His favor like the people surrounding me believe. I don't have to pray on my face 5 times a day to win His approval... Somehow in the midst of all my faults; He delights in me, with all my weaknesses and imperfections.

Rejoice, you have a God who loves you, delights in you, cherishes you, and has given you the amazing opportunity to share Him, the Greatest of All Gifts, with those around you!

Not Gettin Out of Bed!

This morning I had a flashback to my growing up years, in particular the teen years. This morning I woke up at 7am and was reading and praying through some things. It is Sunday so my thoughts turned to going to church and getting ready for that. And I just really felt like I shouldn't. This week has been longer than any other week I can remember in my life, and I just really needed to get back in my bed. So, I reluctantly ignored the text on my phone from a friend inviting me to banana pancakes at the bakery next door, mentally thought through what it meant to not be at church, and pulled the covers back and climbed inside. It felt weird! I knew I wouldn't sleep, but I also knew that I needed to rest. So, for an hour or so I laid there and thought about life, team stuff, my work here, the people I've come to love and cherish, and so many other things. Then my thoughts floated back to a time in my life when I always was in my bed. I was severely depressed and all I ever wanted to do was sleep. Everything felt overwhelming and out of control. I couldn't handle anything, so all I ever wanted to do was sleep. Once I got into college, this pattern continued a bit, but not as severe. However, as I was considering my major, I came across a Christian professor who taught psychology. She was a big influence on my choice of taking that path. But one thing she said has always stuck with me: "A person who struggles with depression before they are 18, when their brain is still forming, will struggle with depression for the remainder of their life in different degrees." Right there I felt and thought I knew for sure, my fate was sealed...

What I didn't take into account is God's grace! It has been years since I struggled and really battled with depression. This isn't to say that I won't again or that I don't have my days or weeks that I feel overwhelmed and out of control. But it doesn't rule my life, dictate my plans, or effect and harm those around me as it did. I am free! And here's what I think the reason why is.

Before I begin, I want you to know that I am not giving a formula or check list on how to live life. This is my own story and I am sharing simply because I think it gives Him the glory due Him. Every life and heart is different. You must seek Him to find your own healing and path!

The first thing is that I believe my heart to be healthy. During the years of depression, it involved a lot of hiding; namely from myself. So, learning to be honest with myself, God, and those around me (utterly honest!) was the first step. Secondly, I discovered the God of the Bible. Growing up I thought Him to be controlling, caring more about running the world and it didn't matter what happened to me in the process, desiring my obedience at any cost, Someone who had a list of rules in one hand and a rod in the other, and so many other things that were vastly wrong! He is running the universe. He is a God of order and rules. He does possess all control. But accompanying all those things is His overwhelming grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, and wonderful heart for His children. Once I realized these two things, it took the huge pressure off myself that I had put there to be perfect for myself and God. I was beginning to breathe again!

And lastly, I took my life and decided to stop investing it in me (this one isn't fully mastered- don't hear me say that...). My life and decisions and choices were centered and focused on me- how to protect my pride, how to get all the things I wanted, how to be looked upon as someone amazing and wonderful, etc. It has been a long process, and I still have so far to go, but I am progressing. I can see and feel this each day.

When I lived in The States it was so much easier to focus my life and thoughts around me. It was simply at my fingertips. Here it is so obvious- nothing is about me, my comfort, or my pride! Everyday I wake up to this- with the power off, the lack of easy things to cook, people who don't understand or appreciate all the time and effort I am pouring into them, and hundreds of other things. Christina is just a little peon. And let me tell you something so profound: I was made to be just that! So, my fullness of joy, hope, life, and love are only found when I walk in that. Life isn't about me, and I won't ever have any fullness in life until I truly proceed forth in that manner.

And I wrestle and struggle everyday with why God choice me to live this? I am so judgmental and I don't know how to gently say things so much of the time. I so often want to throw my computer across the room as I read Facebook and Twitter updates about TV shows, all the money spent on decorating a room for your baby, complaining about jobs, new cars, and the list is endless. God does give us joy and created our hearts to find pleasure in earthly things. That's not wrong, but what is wrong is making those things ultimate. And that is what I see and feel all the time. How can we read the Word and believe it with all our hearts and not sell out for it? Do you believe Jesus is the only way to the Father? That in Him is the only fullness of life, joy, and love? I have a country of thousands upon thousands that have never heard those words. Do you believe hell is a reality? How about Satan's existence? The oppression and reality of both those things leave me in tears and speechless time after time as I stand overlooking my city. Do you think porn, pre-marital sex, and adultery ruin the heart and therefore life? There probably isn't a boy in this country that passes the age of 12 without viewing porn. There probably isn't a girl here that isn't taught that her body is the key to her worth and future happiness in claiming the best husband. Most men frequent the hotels and other venues to find a woman other then their wife to sleep with. A woman is not to be loved; she's to be used... And I could list so many other things.

Some days I hate being on the front lines and having my heart ripped from my chest with images, stories, burdens, and just the oppression of it all. Some days I feel the blessing and privilege that He brought me here to be used by Him for His glory. But every day, I wrestle with how to share what I am learning and what I've seen. I am but a mere broken instrument. Nothing at all special. So, here's my humble plea: Pray with me! War for this country and others around the world. God is at work all throughout His universe! Come visit. Have your eyes and heart opened and broken for the world. I promise you will walk away changed and with a deeper view of Him. Support someone through your emails, letters, money, etc. I can honestly tell you that apart from Christ and His Word, the fuel for my life here is faithful men and women who constantly pray for me, encourage me, and love on me. I am nothing without them! But most here don't have that. They labor and toil silently and frustrated that no one back home cares. And that breaks my heart. Mission work isn't to be done alone, but most of the time it is.

So, there's my soapbox. I hope in some way it touched or stirred your heart. Know that I am praying for you and I love you more than words can depict!

Forgotten and Abandoned?

Having lived in Kosova for over 1.5 years, my perspective on a lot of things has broadened, changed, and in many ways, been enriched. There's something about this place that grabs hold of your heart and won't let go. It isn't the endless litany of the mosques. I am pretty sure it isn't from the rounds of gunshots at sporadic times (into the air). It's not from the inquisitive or even provocative inquires that happen on the street or on visits. I am sure it's not from the mud and trash filled streets. Nor is it found in the power cuts, the undisciplined, rowdy children, the insane traffic, corruption around every turn, the harsh winters... I could actually make this list of "isn't's" quite long. Truly there are many things about this place that get under my skin, irritate the snot out of me, and drive me bonkers- to use a few American expressions. However, the list of why I love this place always is longer, thus the reason I remain in this interesting country; so full of backward things and broken ways.

While all these things listed above are true and could be coupled with dozens of other things, the heart of God dwells in the midst of this place. How great was the Father's love for us, that while we were yet backward, wayward, rebellious, broken, proud, sinful Americans, er...Kosovars, or maybe just people, He died for us! What a Truth to behold; and I get glimpses of this each day. I want to share a few of these glimpses from the recent weeks.

If you are at all familiar with Eastern Europe, then you have heard of the Roma, or as you probably refer to them: gypsies. They are the poor, the outcast, the socially rejected among European countries. We have a couple Roma villages nearby my city. Therefore, we have a number begging, driving their makeshift wagons pulled by their horses that are on their last leg, swimming in the fountain, digging through the trash bins, etc. Mostly they are ignored. They have their place in society, and usually that is to be left alone and to leave the other people alone. The children aren't allowed to attend school in many places, and in other places just socially rejected. Thus the vicious cycles perpetuates itself. But Oh How He Loves Them! Words can't describe how deep the Father's love is for these downcast, lonely people. As the women sit on the streets, voices raw from years of begging, years of weeping themselves to sleep each night, crying out in anguish as their husbands return yet again drunk and abusive. As children are thrust into a life of despair, taught their only worth is what they can bring in through begging, and slowly fit the life expected and projected upon them. As the men worry where their next meal will come from, fret about their pregnant wife and the additional mouth that will mean, or how life has treated them so badly. God sees them right there in that moment. My all time favorite name of God in the Bible is: El Roi. The God who sees! How powerful is that. (I would encourage you to read the story of Hagar and see the context of when this name was first used by God).

Each night I lay awake waiting or am awoken by a Roma man who digs through the dumpsters outside my building. He comes about midnight or a bit later. The first few nights I was annoyed at the rummaging sounds happening on the street below, but the more I thought it through and realized what was going on, the more my heart softened. What brokenness must have happened in his life for him to earn his living by trying to sell other people's garbage. And how do you keep your pride in tact in the midst of this sort of life: you go at midnight. So, he's become my Nighttime Buddy. I may never see his face or know his name, but he gets prayed for by me each night. And what immense joy I've found in the fact that I may not know his name, see his heart or even his face, but God does- He's the God who sees! May the Lord save him not just from a life of despair, but may He have mercy on his soul!
As I was walking through the center of my city the other day, a big wind storm hit, and it began to blow hard and sprinkle. I wondered if the wind was going to rip our coats and scarves off! But I walked by a teenage Roma boy that was hunched down on the sidewalk, crouched over a piece of cardboard with some words scribbled out upon it. And I remember wondering what it was that made him decide to spend his day in this manner. Was he crippled? Did he have some disability that prohibited him from helping out in his community? Why wasn't he at least digging through trash to sell things? And other questions ran through my mind. And the wind picked up and took that boys cardboard sign off the ground, along with his few coins, and hurled it into the street amongst the throngs of traffic. The young man leapt to his feet and darted out into the lanes of cars, chasing his sign that was bouncing up and down between the cars. And it was then I realized why he was sitting on the side of the road. Physically he wasn't crippled, but he'd been fed lies his entire life and had become mentally crippled. He was taught that money is earned by sitting on your rear end and begging. How many countless other children become crippled in this same way. But Oh how He longs to save them, and even the crippled-ness and death in their soul!
I could go on and on with stories that I've come across on a day to day basis. But you get the point. God's heart is here! He so longs to call these men, women, and children to Himself. Many may look at the situation and say that He's forgotten them, and yes, maybe it appears as such. But I know better! They are not forgotten!!! They are loved! They are wanted! They are treasured! And you may wonder how I know this and get this out of such a dreadful situation(s). Simple... I am here. He called me here. He called my friends here. He is still calling others here. And what is more- He's stirring your heart to pray for a country, a people, an individual that you've never been to or known. Abandoned or forgotten- NEVER! His heart dwells in their midst...this I believe with every ounce of my being and each breath that I take in.

So, what does this mean for you- sitting on your couch in America (or wherever)? Please pray! More than anything I do or say, prayer comes first and is the foundation, the work, the essence of all that the Lord is doing in this place. I've never believed that more than at this moment! Fill your mind with thoughts of things that aren't just revolving around you. Think upon the Roma people. Picture your life in regards to you earning your entire living by digging in a trashcan or begging on the street. Expand your horizons! Don't get stuck in your comfy comfort zone...

Oh God is doing work here and all around the world in mighty, powerful, amazing ways. We have the chance, no, the privilege to partner, or better yet, be used by the Almighty, Victorious, All-Powerful, Reigning King of the Past, Present, and Future! Let that take your breath away. And when you get your lungs full again...bow your head and exhale it all again in exhalation and petition. He's worthy- of that I promise you!