Dancing with Jesus

I've written about singleness a few times (here and here), all of them being while I was Stateside. And, while it is a big struggle for me there, it pales in comparison to what I face when I live overseas! I get asked countless times how old I am, why I am not married, or get hit on by creepy men. I'm normally surrounded by cultures where it's unheard of to be this age and single... not to mention childless! But the real difficulty is found in my own heart: alone-ness is amplified, the desire to be fully known, listened to, and have someone to just share life with increases as I feel overwhelmed, and every night I collapse into bed simply desiring to be held. Lots of tears have been shed through the years, as I've laid my head alone on countless pillows in various countries!

I don't know that words can fully depict how hard this trip has been emotionally. A small evidence of this is that it normally takes a lot for me to cry- it's like a damn breaking oftentimes. This past month I've been crying multiple times a day! So, as you can imagine, correspondingly, the desire for a lifelong friend and partner has revved up.

Yesterday, as tears cascaded down my cheeks yet again, I poured out my heart to God about this pain. As I closed my eyes, this small scene from the movie Gladiator played out in my mind:

Granted, it wasn't fully like this, because I wasn't dying, but it was Jesus waiting for me down the path, beckoning me to run to Him. I was in a white dress, my hair flowing freely in the breeze, and laughter flowing off my lips. It was as if, in this moment, all my needs that had felt neglected for so long were satisfied. And all day long, as I saw pictures of relatives who'd been blown apart by bombs or tried to communicate love without the use of a language, whenever I closed my eyes, there He was. Eager to hold me, to remind me of Truth, to run with me... I can't explain it, but it was the essence of joy and peace in the midst of pain and chaos!

This morning I turned to Zephaniah 3 and read the sweetest thing of all: "The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst... The LORD your God is in your midst..." What beauty! And it doesn't stop there: "He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing..." I don't know or understand why He delights in doing any of those things- I know the ugliness of me. But I'm so grateful He does! And, in light of the people I'm seeking to serve right now, it brings such sweet joy to continue on reading and see: "And I will save the lame and gather the outcast, and I will change their shame into praise and renown in all the earth." He doesn't just invite me to the abundant life of being with Him, He's drawing others to do the same through them seeing my life and story!

God, help us to be a people who use even the worst suffering and unmet desires to draw others to Your Name!