Dependency & Relationships

In November of 2013 I wrote this blog,
but never finished it or posted it:

These past years have been rough in regards to relationships. People coming and going in my life. People being really far away. Some people I didn't want being very near. Investing heart and soul, only to have someone stripped away. Being unavailable in times of happiness or sorrow. And lots and lots of prayer.. After saying goodbye to family and friends in the Fall of 2008, I embarked on a sharp learning curve. Part of that process meant (this count was made in frustration at God one day) getting really close to and then saying goodbye (maybe to never see them again) to over 70 people. Other missionaries, short termers and long termers, people in my organization, folks in my church, and local friends. When I say close, I'm not sure the American mind really understands that, because we are part of a society that is independent, take care of myself, and need very little from others. The sort of relationships I shared with people were deep- 'I'm drowning here', 'I have no family or friends around, will you listen and let me cry', 'I don't see or understand God right now', 'My family says if I come to your meetings I'll be punished, so can we have coffee instead'.. A whole new picture of family for me. Some were in my life all 3 years, some only a matter of months. People I came to depend on.. at least initially, until so many moved home, moved cities, or shut down and shut people out. My already independent spirit became even more so. My already un-trusting heart began to let even fewer inside. And so was the state of my heart and life as I moved back to the US. Broken and feeling very alone!

I can't look and analyze these past years and place things in a box of 'right' or 'wrong'. 'Followed God here, but what in the world happened there!' There weren't times of blatant sin, where I walked away, stopped seeking Him, or rebelled. And that's what confused me so much through it all. 'God, I'm following You! Why is everything in my reach turning to shambles and failing?' But looking back (and even to the present), all the crises, all the pain, and the un-understandable moments have been drawing me to this one point: Jeremiah 17:5-6. Oh, I had verses 7-8 memorized! I'd quote them to myself often.. But verses 9-10 are the key to whether a man is trusting in himself and others or trusting in the Lord:

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”

Unknown to me, I had fully deceived myself. I was trusting in myself! I blogged here about strengths and weakness, having told myself and convinced others I was strong, fearless, and no mountain was unconquerable with God and I. But the reality of how that looked was more like this. I was (am) utterly weak. Maybe one of the most fearful people you know. And I was trusting in my own strength, and God was after His glory, which in my life meant breaking me to show me who I really was.

So, where does that leave me? Simply with an understanding and realization that I am a shrub in the desert. The only place trusting in myself will ever get me is to being a shrub. That tree spoken of later, next to the river with lush greenery, that's only found in trusting the Lord one hundred percent.