As I am reading through Exodus again, there is a thought that continually arises: that of remembrance. Truth be told, the entire Bible is full of God commanding His children to remember what He's done, His love, and His promises. The Israelites seem to flunk out of this class repeatedly, even while they are in the midst of the love and provision transpiring.
I can't imagine being guided by a pillar of cloud by day or a pillar of fire by night! How crazy would it be, when you're starving, for there to all the sudden appear sweet wafers on the ground that taste like honey? Or what about flocks of quail surrounding us just as our tummies began to rumble? Whenever I'm thirsty, God brings forth a stream of water out of a rock! Or my clothes never wearing out for 40 years?! Looking back on these incredible and mighty supplies of God's grace, it seems so foolish and ridiculous for the people of Israel to not trust God, to spend their time grumbling, and to doubt His love. How could you see the waters of the Red Sea parted one day and then spend the next cowering in fear of the unknown? Logically it makes no sense!
But then I look at my own heart/life... I have fear (more than I wish to admit), I complain, I grumble, I doubt, I distrust God's love, I forget His provision- all on a daily basis! My heart wants to point out that: "Yeah, but I didn't have the waters parted or the manna fall from heaven into my lap!" But truly I have! It just doesn't look like a sweet wafer or a pair of clothes that never becomes threadbare. I know some of the most incredible people in all the world! God has brought about miracle after miracle to bring me to the place I am with Him. Jobs, financial provision, food, clothes, vehicles, houses, roommates, furniture... and I could go on and on! Countless things, big and small, that were provided when I was at the end of my rope or, even worse, when I thought I could do it on my own. He ALWAYS steps in with love, with grace, with mercy, with compassion, and gentleness. And yet, day after day, my own pillars of fire become less miraculous and less special and and even mundane. I forget, because I no longer see the beauty and power behind it.
There's a reason God requires His children to have certain celebrations throughout the year (passover, booths, etc). He knew they needed a reminder to remember! A chance to not lose sight of His beauty, love, and provision. And there's a reason He calls us to abide in Him daily. He's so good to us- are you able to see that (and Him) today?
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Monday, May 2, 2016
Dependency & Relationships
In November of 2013 I wrote this blog,
but never finished it or posted it:
These past years have been rough in regards to relationships. People coming and going in my life. People being really far away. Some people I didn't want being very near. Investing heart and soul, only to have someone stripped away. Being unavailable in times of happiness or sorrow. And lots and lots of prayer.. After saying goodbye to family and friends in the Fall of 2008, I embarked on a sharp learning curve. Part of that process meant (this count was made in frustration at God one day) getting really close to and then saying goodbye (maybe to never see them again) to over 70 people. Other missionaries, short termers and long termers, people in my organization, folks in my church, and local friends. When I say close, I'm not sure the American mind really understands that, because we are part of a society that is independent, take care of myself, and need very little from others. The sort of relationships I shared with people were deep- 'I'm drowning here', 'I have no family or friends around, will you listen and let me cry', 'I don't see or understand God right now', 'My family says if I come to your meetings I'll be punished, so can we have coffee instead'.. A whole new picture of family for me. Some were in my life all 3 years, some only a matter of months. People I came to depend on.. at least initially, until so many moved home, moved cities, or shut down and shut people out. My already independent spirit became even more so. My already un-trusting heart began to let even fewer inside. And so was the state of my heart and life as I moved back to the US. Broken and feeling very alone!
I can't look and analyze these past years and place things in a box of 'right' or 'wrong'. 'Followed God here, but what in the world happened there!' There weren't times of blatant sin, where I walked away, stopped seeking Him, or rebelled. And that's what confused me so much through it all. 'God, I'm following You! Why is everything in my reach turning to shambles and failing?' But looking back (and even to the present), all the crises, all the pain, and the un-understandable moments have been drawing me to this one point: Jeremiah 17:5-6. Oh, I had verses 7-8 memorized! I'd quote them to myself often.. But verses 9-10 are the key to whether a man is trusting in himself and others or trusting in the Lord:
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”
Unknown to me, I had fully deceived myself. I was trusting in myself! I blogged here about strengths and weakness, having told myself and convinced others I was strong, fearless, and no mountain was unconquerable with God and I. But the reality of how that looked was more like this. I was (am) utterly weak. Maybe one of the most fearful people you know. And I was trusting in my own strength, and God was after His glory, which in my life meant breaking me to show me who I really was.
So, where does that leave me? Simply with an understanding and realization that I am a shrub in the desert. The only place trusting in myself will ever get me is to being a shrub. That tree spoken of later, next to the river with lush greenery, that's only found in trusting the Lord one hundred percent.
but never finished it or posted it:
These past years have been rough in regards to relationships. People coming and going in my life. People being really far away. Some people I didn't want being very near. Investing heart and soul, only to have someone stripped away. Being unavailable in times of happiness or sorrow. And lots and lots of prayer.. After saying goodbye to family and friends in the Fall of 2008, I embarked on a sharp learning curve. Part of that process meant (this count was made in frustration at God one day) getting really close to and then saying goodbye (maybe to never see them again) to over 70 people. Other missionaries, short termers and long termers, people in my organization, folks in my church, and local friends. When I say close, I'm not sure the American mind really understands that, because we are part of a society that is independent, take care of myself, and need very little from others. The sort of relationships I shared with people were deep- 'I'm drowning here', 'I have no family or friends around, will you listen and let me cry', 'I don't see or understand God right now', 'My family says if I come to your meetings I'll be punished, so can we have coffee instead'.. A whole new picture of family for me. Some were in my life all 3 years, some only a matter of months. People I came to depend on.. at least initially, until so many moved home, moved cities, or shut down and shut people out. My already independent spirit became even more so. My already un-trusting heart began to let even fewer inside. And so was the state of my heart and life as I moved back to the US. Broken and feeling very alone!
I can't look and analyze these past years and place things in a box of 'right' or 'wrong'. 'Followed God here, but what in the world happened there!' There weren't times of blatant sin, where I walked away, stopped seeking Him, or rebelled. And that's what confused me so much through it all. 'God, I'm following You! Why is everything in my reach turning to shambles and failing?' But looking back (and even to the present), all the crises, all the pain, and the un-understandable moments have been drawing me to this one point: Jeremiah 17:5-6. Oh, I had verses 7-8 memorized! I'd quote them to myself often.. But verses 9-10 are the key to whether a man is trusting in himself and others or trusting in the Lord:
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.”
Unknown to me, I had fully deceived myself. I was trusting in myself! I blogged here about strengths and weakness, having told myself and convinced others I was strong, fearless, and no mountain was unconquerable with God and I. But the reality of how that looked was more like this. I was (am) utterly weak. Maybe one of the most fearful people you know. And I was trusting in my own strength, and God was after His glory, which in my life meant breaking me to show me who I really was.
So, where does that leave me? Simply with an understanding and realization that I am a shrub in the desert. The only place trusting in myself will ever get me is to being a shrub. That tree spoken of later, next to the river with lush greenery, that's only found in trusting the Lord one hundred percent.
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