Today I sat in a funeral for a 7 year old boy; that in and of itself was pretty awful. But compounded on top of that was the fact that he was gone because his 13 year brother accidentally shot him as they found and played with a gun in the garage. During this past school year I've gotten to know the 13 year old boy pretty well through work. When I heard the news, my heart broke, and I just wanted to wrap him (and his 12 year old brother) in a huge hug. A week and a half has transpired, and he's been on my heart in prayer every day; all day long.
There's a lot of times in my job when I wonder whether what we are doing here in the inner city is 'worth' the massive life investment we've all made. You see, tragic things like this happen often in the lives of the students I work with. Some of it resulting from choices they make, but the majority is just really crappy, sad life stuff: sexual abuse, both parents in jail, etc. I often get a picture in my mind of a scales. We are dropping Truth, hope, love, and good (as in God being the definition of this) into one side, but the odds are most definitely not in our favor. You see, for every hour a child spends with us, they spend 23 in another environment. One that often is filled with lies, despair, pain, and bad things. To counter balance the scale would take an act of God! And truly that's what we cry out for each day; that is our only hope!
As I watched the family file into the sanctuary, the boys lost it when they reached the front where the open casket was. Uncontainable sobs filled the room and my heart. Again, the desire to wrap them in a never ending hug filled my heart. I know I can't 'fix' it or even protect them in any way, but I guess that's the 'motherly' instinct inside me! I thought the pastor did an okay job given the situation, and I pray God's truth reaches into the hearts of the hurting, confused family. But all too soon it was over. The family filed out to drive over to the grave, and the boys were gone again. As the room emptied, I made my way outside, eagerly scanning the crowd for my young friend. I finally laid eyes upon him, and 'willed' him to look my way. A minute later he did, and what happened is a moment that I buried as treasure into my heart. A 13 year old boy is hard to understand or predict what he'll do. One time you see them they're excited, the next they are embarrassed to acknowledge knowing you. So, especially given the circumstances, I wasn't sure what to expect. But when he saw me his eyes lit up, and he flashed his braces in a wide grin. Nudging his brother, he said: "Look", and walked over to me and my co-workers. As he walked into my hug, I wanted to cry. I know full well that my hug was probably mostly selfish, but he let me hold him long enough for my shirt to later smell of his cologne and for me to say how I'd been missing him.
That was it. He was gone after a few minutes, but I'm very thankful to God for that sweet moment. You see, for a boy's eyes to light up in such a situation means he feels loved, accepted, and welcome- all things that I daily hope my kids feel and see as from God in me. It was a small, simple moment, but it felt weighty. It was as if God, in the midst of a difficult season, said to my heart: "Hey, We are making a difference here in this community! Keep pressing onward, my daughter, keep going.." And that was what I was needing today!
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Holiday Cheer
With Thanksgiving and then Christmas right around the corner, my heart feels in a contemplative state these days. There's a lot of things associated with both holidays that my life is lacking these days. And so hearing others talk about things, plan stuff, or asking me questions often puts me in a grumpy mood before I even realize it. Some days it feels like an hourly heart check! But today I realized something afresh: joy is a state of the heart, a choice of the mind, and an act of the will.
So, here's my resolutions: even though in this season I can't partake in any of the festive {delish} foods around me, as I try to figure out what I'm allergic to, I will rejoice in my diet of vegetables! Even though I'm single and struggle with feeling so alone during the holidays, I will rejoice in the sweetest Companion and Love who abides each moment and step of the way with me! Even though there is a lot of sickness and hard things happening in my family, I will rejoice that my mom is here with us and that I have an incredible family! Even though my life contains regular transitions and change, I will rejoice in a God who never changes and never fails me! Even though my life hasn't gone as I have planned it out, I will rejoice in all the wonderful, sweet, amazing things that He has brought into my life I could never imagined it would've contained!
I could go on and on.. I have awesome friends, a great family, a beautiful life, and many things any person would envy! Today I rejoice in heart checks and inner battles to choose joy. Thanks God for helping me to see You more clearly day by day!
So, here's my resolutions: even though in this season I can't partake in any of the festive {delish} foods around me, as I try to figure out what I'm allergic to, I will rejoice in my diet of vegetables! Even though I'm single and struggle with feeling so alone during the holidays, I will rejoice in the sweetest Companion and Love who abides each moment and step of the way with me! Even though there is a lot of sickness and hard things happening in my family, I will rejoice that my mom is here with us and that I have an incredible family! Even though my life contains regular transitions and change, I will rejoice in a God who never changes and never fails me! Even though my life hasn't gone as I have planned it out, I will rejoice in all the wonderful, sweet, amazing things that He has brought into my life I could never imagined it would've contained!
I could go on and on.. I have awesome friends, a great family, a beautiful life, and many things any person would envy! Today I rejoice in heart checks and inner battles to choose joy. Thanks God for helping me to see You more clearly day by day!
Friday, November 15, 2013
Learning From Moses
I love the Old Testament. If it weren't for Jesus and the Gospels, I'd probably say it's my favorite part of the Bible. But I just find the stories so rich and approachable. Whenever I pick up my Bible to read one of them, I usually walk away convicted, inspired, or both! So, this afternoon's lesson was found in the book of Joshua/Deuteronomy/Exodus regarding Moses (does everyone else read that word with Charleton Heston's voice in their head??).
I realize in my last post (wayyy back in August) I made some comment about feeling old. Well, today's post will deal with me being young. Ha, honestly since I'm right in the middle of things, it's a toss up each day whether I feel old or whether I feel young!
Lately the battle and struggle in my heart has been one of feeling like a failure- yikes, who wants to blog such words?! But God has been so sweet and gracious in revealing to me sins lately, and with that, the ugly state of my wicked heart. (Side note: one of my favorite Tim Keller quotes says something about for every look at our sin we must take 7 looks at the grace of the cross or we will become overwhelmed- good stuff!) Not only has this been immensely humbling, but it also has been discouraging as I feel I have such a long, long way to go in this whole sanctification process. But as I was reading through Moses' story I started paying attention to his mistakes, his wisdoms, and his age. I believe he was 40 when he fled Egypt for the desert, and I also believe he was 80 when he went back to Egypt. He was 120 when he died. Forty years seems like such a long time (maybe cuz I've not yet reached 40 years on this planet..), but when I think about all that Moses accomplished in the last 40 years of his life it seems so short.
I think about the first 40 years of living in wealth and prosperity. We don't know much about it, except that it ended poorly with him killing an Egyptian. I can almost see Moses, the youth, wrestling with his identity, wanting to fight for the injustice of his people, and battling with so many things on the heart level for years. The murder he committed probably was just the boiling over of his frustration and angst. And, in great fear, like a coward, he fled to the desert. End of Season One!
Season Two also doesn't contain much info, apart from our man, Moses, living among sheep- talk about trying one's patience.. not to mention he lived in the desert! As I read about that, I think one thing: training ground! And the funny thing is that even after 80 years he's still not ready. He argues quite extensively with God, which concludes in him begging for God to not send him and find someone else. These two 40 year periods inspire little hope for me when I think about the work that's to be on his plate soon. I mean, look at his reluctant trek to Egypt- God almost kills him for failing to obey His law of circumcision. His wife saves his life- what a great beginning! End of Season Two!
You guys already know the details of the Exodus, which is the essence of Season Three. But I'm just fascinated by our culture and my own heart laying such great focus upon ministry and not on training. We like to rush into some place after 4 years (8 if we decide to do seminary) of schooling and wonder why things go badly. 'Hey God, why do I still struggle with so many things? Why am I constantly failing? Why aren't things happening as I planned out?' MOSES WENT THROUGH 80 YEARS OF TRAINING BEFORE MARCHING UP TO PHARAOH.. and he still wasn't fully ready! What in the world am I thinking about how slow I am, about how far I have to go, etc?
Reading and thinking about these 'heros' of the Bible inspires grace and patience within my heart, and I'm finding these days I'm needing both in big measures!
I realize in my last post (wayyy back in August) I made some comment about feeling old. Well, today's post will deal with me being young. Ha, honestly since I'm right in the middle of things, it's a toss up each day whether I feel old or whether I feel young!
Lately the battle and struggle in my heart has been one of feeling like a failure- yikes, who wants to blog such words?! But God has been so sweet and gracious in revealing to me sins lately, and with that, the ugly state of my wicked heart. (Side note: one of my favorite Tim Keller quotes says something about for every look at our sin we must take 7 looks at the grace of the cross or we will become overwhelmed- good stuff!) Not only has this been immensely humbling, but it also has been discouraging as I feel I have such a long, long way to go in this whole sanctification process. But as I was reading through Moses' story I started paying attention to his mistakes, his wisdoms, and his age. I believe he was 40 when he fled Egypt for the desert, and I also believe he was 80 when he went back to Egypt. He was 120 when he died. Forty years seems like such a long time (maybe cuz I've not yet reached 40 years on this planet..), but when I think about all that Moses accomplished in the last 40 years of his life it seems so short.
I think about the first 40 years of living in wealth and prosperity. We don't know much about it, except that it ended poorly with him killing an Egyptian. I can almost see Moses, the youth, wrestling with his identity, wanting to fight for the injustice of his people, and battling with so many things on the heart level for years. The murder he committed probably was just the boiling over of his frustration and angst. And, in great fear, like a coward, he fled to the desert. End of Season One!
Season Two also doesn't contain much info, apart from our man, Moses, living among sheep- talk about trying one's patience.. not to mention he lived in the desert! As I read about that, I think one thing: training ground! And the funny thing is that even after 80 years he's still not ready. He argues quite extensively with God, which concludes in him begging for God to not send him and find someone else. These two 40 year periods inspire little hope for me when I think about the work that's to be on his plate soon. I mean, look at his reluctant trek to Egypt- God almost kills him for failing to obey His law of circumcision. His wife saves his life- what a great beginning! End of Season Two!
You guys already know the details of the Exodus, which is the essence of Season Three. But I'm just fascinated by our culture and my own heart laying such great focus upon ministry and not on training. We like to rush into some place after 4 years (8 if we decide to do seminary) of schooling and wonder why things go badly. 'Hey God, why do I still struggle with so many things? Why am I constantly failing? Why aren't things happening as I planned out?' MOSES WENT THROUGH 80 YEARS OF TRAINING BEFORE MARCHING UP TO PHARAOH.. and he still wasn't fully ready! What in the world am I thinking about how slow I am, about how far I have to go, etc?
Reading and thinking about these 'heros' of the Bible inspires grace and patience within my heart, and I'm finding these days I'm needing both in big measures!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
FREEDOM!
I recently was reading something a mother had written about her young son. He was often frustrated about 'unfairness' and as a result pouted quite a bit. She was talking about how his sweet heart was molded and shaped for justice and things happening in an upright, honest way. And while he often sat on the sidelines being discouraged, she was trying to remember that it's hearts like that that change the world, that buck the systems of inequality and injustice, that fight for causes that are bigger than themselves, and aren't content to sit by while wrong happens to others. I love this perspective!
I've known quite a number of such children, and I've never thought about it like this.. Okay, okay- so, I was said child! I would rage inside when something unfair would happen around me (usually, in my childish selfishness, it was against me). I would mope, sit on the sidelines to 'teach others their lesson' for being unfair, and many other things that one shouldn't admit to on a public blog! But now that I'm old (yes, people, I am getting there!), I can see how that heart is the same heart I have now.. just with a lot of refining and shaping by my sweet Abba!
Nothing makes me more angry than injustice! Whether it's done by someone to themselves; in selling themselves short and settling for merely existing or surviving. Whether it's the exploitation of a child for someone else's sick 'pleasures'. Whether it's not tapping into the freedom, life, joy, fullness, love, hope, peace, etc. that Christ offers you at the foot of the cross. Whether it's abuse, living in shame or guilt, being paralyzed by fear, or whatever.. I get angry. And when I say angry, I mean my heart rages! Most people never see this side of me, because God has taught me much in taking this pain, anger, grief, sorrow, and frustration to Him and leaving it at the foot of the cross- trusting, hoping, and waiting for Him to move in His timing and His way. But it's still very much inside me each day. I feel the weight of it daily. I am and probably always will be a fighter. Recently I can't get this scene from Braveheart out of my heart and mind:
I think of people who spent their all, bled, suffered, and died for causes (the ones who did it for Christ stand out most to me). We love these stories, we long to be people like them! William Wilberforce, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Stephen, and I could go on and on.. But even though the fight in me is strong, my daily prayer is for Him to refine it. For it to not be about me and my agenda. For it to not be in my plans or timing. For it to center and rest solely on the power and glory of Him who alone is worthy. So, I find myself internally screaming: "FREEDOM!!" these days, but the Lord says, so sweet and gentle, "Wait upon Me." In the past I was too busy rushing into the battle to hear that. But I'm learning! And if I'm learning this, well then, I'd say there's definitely hope for us all!
I've known quite a number of such children, and I've never thought about it like this.. Okay, okay- so, I was said child! I would rage inside when something unfair would happen around me (usually, in my childish selfishness, it was against me). I would mope, sit on the sidelines to 'teach others their lesson' for being unfair, and many other things that one shouldn't admit to on a public blog! But now that I'm old (yes, people, I am getting there!), I can see how that heart is the same heart I have now.. just with a lot of refining and shaping by my sweet Abba!
Nothing makes me more angry than injustice! Whether it's done by someone to themselves; in selling themselves short and settling for merely existing or surviving. Whether it's the exploitation of a child for someone else's sick 'pleasures'. Whether it's not tapping into the freedom, life, joy, fullness, love, hope, peace, etc. that Christ offers you at the foot of the cross. Whether it's abuse, living in shame or guilt, being paralyzed by fear, or whatever.. I get angry. And when I say angry, I mean my heart rages! Most people never see this side of me, because God has taught me much in taking this pain, anger, grief, sorrow, and frustration to Him and leaving it at the foot of the cross- trusting, hoping, and waiting for Him to move in His timing and His way. But it's still very much inside me each day. I feel the weight of it daily. I am and probably always will be a fighter. Recently I can't get this scene from Braveheart out of my heart and mind:
I think of people who spent their all, bled, suffered, and died for causes (the ones who did it for Christ stand out most to me). We love these stories, we long to be people like them! William Wilberforce, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Stephen, and I could go on and on.. But even though the fight in me is strong, my daily prayer is for Him to refine it. For it to not be about me and my agenda. For it to not be in my plans or timing. For it to center and rest solely on the power and glory of Him who alone is worthy. So, I find myself internally screaming: "FREEDOM!!" these days, but the Lord says, so sweet and gentle, "Wait upon Me." In the past I was too busy rushing into the battle to hear that. But I'm learning! And if I'm learning this, well then, I'd say there's definitely hope for us all!
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Surprises from God
I have an intense personality- lots of thinking transpires inside my little head (ha). I love to figure out stuff, discern things, and utilize wisdom. Sometimes really great.. sometimes not so much! The not so much part is due to mixing what has been a gift from God, to be used for His kingdom and glory, with sin; namely for me it would be either pride or fear. When discernment gets mixed with pride, it results in trying to attain the praise and glory of man for how 'wise' or smart I am. Horrific things happen when I find myself on the throne of my heart! People around me, usually the ones I love most, are hurt. It's all around messy and disgusting! I probably could write another post on another day about such sins and atrocities found in my heart.. However, the thought for today is mixing my God-given gift of discernment with fear. Control. Manipulation. Not waiting. And other ugly stuff is what erupts from this.
I think often of the story of Abraham. The promise of Isaac had been given; such a seemingly impossible thing! And yet he trusted.. for years he trusted (more than I can usually say for myself). But Sarah and Abraham began to think and talk and use human wisdom and logic to tackle the problem of no son coming. A messy situation was born; not one that God didn't redeem and use for His glory, though. But if you read closely in the passage, you can see and feel the fear. The 'what-if's'. The doubts. Lack of trust.
I'm not really a person that does well with surprises. I like to know things beforehand and be able to be prepared and plan accordingly. I struggle to trust others. I approach life the same way. Okay, God said this, promised this, or has led me in this way in the past. So, logically I can deduce that this is what He's planning to do with my future, and He's going to shape me in this way, we're going to go here, do this, and blah blah blah.. on and on my mind runs and goes! When my brain actually stops for a minute, sadness creeps in. How and why do I feel the need to 'one up' God? To figure things out before He reveals it to me? To 'help' Him out in my life? It's fear. It's a lack of trust. It's a doubt that He's really, truly good. And it results in weary-carrying-of-burdens-that-aren't-mine-to-carry.
So, this season of life has been one of attempted rest. One of trying to sit at the back of the boat with the One who's the only One on board capable of calming the raging storm, not rushing about in meaningless, wearisome activity. A season of deep trust. Of trying to learn to enjoy and love surprises- especially ones from my sweet Abba.
Precious Father, You most certainly are good! Forgive my doubts, lack of trust, and constant companionship with fear. You will never give me a stone or a snake when I'm needing a bread or fish! You enjoy my simple delight in Your gifts after waiting upon You. It's a beautiful thing! Help me to remember this day in and day out. May I not pick up heavy burdens that were and are never mine to carry. Teach me patience and trust. My heart is Yours and Yours alone! Amen
I think often of the story of Abraham. The promise of Isaac had been given; such a seemingly impossible thing! And yet he trusted.. for years he trusted (more than I can usually say for myself). But Sarah and Abraham began to think and talk and use human wisdom and logic to tackle the problem of no son coming. A messy situation was born; not one that God didn't redeem and use for His glory, though. But if you read closely in the passage, you can see and feel the fear. The 'what-if's'. The doubts. Lack of trust.
I'm not really a person that does well with surprises. I like to know things beforehand and be able to be prepared and plan accordingly. I struggle to trust others. I approach life the same way. Okay, God said this, promised this, or has led me in this way in the past. So, logically I can deduce that this is what He's planning to do with my future, and He's going to shape me in this way, we're going to go here, do this, and blah blah blah.. on and on my mind runs and goes! When my brain actually stops for a minute, sadness creeps in. How and why do I feel the need to 'one up' God? To figure things out before He reveals it to me? To 'help' Him out in my life? It's fear. It's a lack of trust. It's a doubt that He's really, truly good. And it results in weary-carrying-of-burdens-that-aren't-mine-to-carry.
So, this season of life has been one of attempted rest. One of trying to sit at the back of the boat with the One who's the only One on board capable of calming the raging storm, not rushing about in meaningless, wearisome activity. A season of deep trust. Of trying to learn to enjoy and love surprises- especially ones from my sweet Abba.
Precious Father, You most certainly are good! Forgive my doubts, lack of trust, and constant companionship with fear. You will never give me a stone or a snake when I'm needing a bread or fish! You enjoy my simple delight in Your gifts after waiting upon You. It's a beautiful thing! Help me to remember this day in and day out. May I not pick up heavy burdens that were and are never mine to carry. Teach me patience and trust. My heart is Yours and Yours alone! Amen
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Waiting- part 2
A year has slipped past since my last post, and the hilarious part of it all is that what drew me back to write on here was a topic I'd already written about (and forgot): waiting! How I've come to have such a love hate relationship with that word and topic!
This morning, with said topic heavy on my heart, my thoughts were flung back to Scripture as I battled and wrestled with discontentment in life and weighty doubts. Who else waited that I want to learn from? HA.. oh, just about only everyone that's written about on those pages!! But the two instances that strike me the most are Abraham and the story of the Exodus with Moses.
Abraham, you baffle me! How does someone wait upon the Lord for the impossible for so many years? Well, the reality and truth is that he didn't do so great of a job.. enter Hagar and Ishmael and a BIG mess. But placing myself in the mentioned situation- hmm, well, we maybe don't even want to go there! How many 'trusting-in-my-flesh-and-eyes-can-see' messes Christina could come up with?! I mean, look at my own life story, which can in no way compare with Abraham's lot (no pun intended- haha), and it has been marked with many 'Hagars' which produced messy 'Ishmaels' throughout!
As I pray through and meditate on his life and story, I must pause to ask many why questions. Why would God want Abraham to wait so long? Why didn't He just provide the son He'd promised? Why must I always wait, wait, wait, God..?! Oh, oops- I got sidetracked from Abraham and started throwing a small temper tantrum.. excuse that!
I think the answers to my why questions about Abraham can be seen in the story of God calling His people out of Egypt and into Canaan. I've wrestled much with this story too.. On close examination of a map, from the get-go God took them the long way through the desert! The actual journey from Egypt to Canaan wasn't that long. It wasn't that hard. It wasn't as rough as it originally became. So, enter my many why questions again! As I searched and yelled (the yelling was due to relating it personally) and finally prayed, God showed me something. The truth is that this 'something' is always the 'something' He's interested in. The Israelite's hearts! Examine the story closely. God reveals their hearts with His leading them the long way. Bitterness, grumbling, complaining, deceit, wickedness, and so much other junk had taken root and infested His people. With such a heart, there would be no way for them to enjoy and worship Him for the blessings of the Promise Land. So, He took them PURPOSELY out to the desert to refine, to strip, to lay bare their hearts for their ultimate joy. Have you ever seen a spoiled little kid get an expensive gift and despise it and throw a temper tantrum? Why? Because of a wicked heart they don't know how to appreciate and find joy in that moment or item.
Back to Abraham.. He had some trust issues. Stories of him giving away his wife to save his life ring in my head. And while the dude was way up on me and you, God saw his heart and knew that should He provide Isaac immediately it wouldn't be best. Best for Abraham and His plan and glory. So He said wait to Abraham, to David, to Hannah, to Joseph, to Mary, and the massive list goes on (see the end of Hebrews 11- most didn't even receive what they'd been promised and were waiting on.. blows my noggin!). And I guess I loathe the waiting because it refines my heart, it puts me in the fire, and it exposes what I like to pretend isn't there. Thus the hate part in this relationship. But it also brings about great joy; which is my heart's deep pursuit. It brings forth trust in Him and His people. And ultimately it creates a worshipper's heart that is about God's glory and not my own. So, even though I do complain.. I can't and shouldn't in light of this knowledge!
Oh sweet El Roi, You are the highest prize! And I would wait a lifetime to gain that great pearl. How quickly my words and head agree to such things, but often how far my heart is from that! Make them align to serve You faithfully; especially in the waiting and hoping periods. Give me eyes to see the eternal and how to make that my treasure. Give me patience and faithfulness. May the messes I make be minimal and less and less as I grow. Help me, oh please help me, for all these things are well beyond my small abilities, but so very worth pursuing!
This morning, with said topic heavy on my heart, my thoughts were flung back to Scripture as I battled and wrestled with discontentment in life and weighty doubts. Who else waited that I want to learn from? HA.. oh, just about only everyone that's written about on those pages!! But the two instances that strike me the most are Abraham and the story of the Exodus with Moses.
Abraham, you baffle me! How does someone wait upon the Lord for the impossible for so many years? Well, the reality and truth is that he didn't do so great of a job.. enter Hagar and Ishmael and a BIG mess. But placing myself in the mentioned situation- hmm, well, we maybe don't even want to go there! How many 'trusting-in-my-flesh-and-eyes-can-see' messes Christina could come up with?! I mean, look at my own life story, which can in no way compare with Abraham's lot (no pun intended- haha), and it has been marked with many 'Hagars' which produced messy 'Ishmaels' throughout!
As I pray through and meditate on his life and story, I must pause to ask many why questions. Why would God want Abraham to wait so long? Why didn't He just provide the son He'd promised? Why must I always wait, wait, wait, God..?! Oh, oops- I got sidetracked from Abraham and started throwing a small temper tantrum.. excuse that!
I think the answers to my why questions about Abraham can be seen in the story of God calling His people out of Egypt and into Canaan. I've wrestled much with this story too.. On close examination of a map, from the get-go God took them the long way through the desert! The actual journey from Egypt to Canaan wasn't that long. It wasn't that hard. It wasn't as rough as it originally became. So, enter my many why questions again! As I searched and yelled (the yelling was due to relating it personally) and finally prayed, God showed me something. The truth is that this 'something' is always the 'something' He's interested in. The Israelite's hearts! Examine the story closely. God reveals their hearts with His leading them the long way. Bitterness, grumbling, complaining, deceit, wickedness, and so much other junk had taken root and infested His people. With such a heart, there would be no way for them to enjoy and worship Him for the blessings of the Promise Land. So, He took them PURPOSELY out to the desert to refine, to strip, to lay bare their hearts for their ultimate joy. Have you ever seen a spoiled little kid get an expensive gift and despise it and throw a temper tantrum? Why? Because of a wicked heart they don't know how to appreciate and find joy in that moment or item.
Back to Abraham.. He had some trust issues. Stories of him giving away his wife to save his life ring in my head. And while the dude was way up on me and you, God saw his heart and knew that should He provide Isaac immediately it wouldn't be best. Best for Abraham and His plan and glory. So He said wait to Abraham, to David, to Hannah, to Joseph, to Mary, and the massive list goes on (see the end of Hebrews 11- most didn't even receive what they'd been promised and were waiting on.. blows my noggin!). And I guess I loathe the waiting because it refines my heart, it puts me in the fire, and it exposes what I like to pretend isn't there. Thus the hate part in this relationship. But it also brings about great joy; which is my heart's deep pursuit. It brings forth trust in Him and His people. And ultimately it creates a worshipper's heart that is about God's glory and not my own. So, even though I do complain.. I can't and shouldn't in light of this knowledge!
Oh sweet El Roi, You are the highest prize! And I would wait a lifetime to gain that great pearl. How quickly my words and head agree to such things, but often how far my heart is from that! Make them align to serve You faithfully; especially in the waiting and hoping periods. Give me eyes to see the eternal and how to make that my treasure. Give me patience and faithfulness. May the messes I make be minimal and less and less as I grow. Help me, oh please help me, for all these things are well beyond my small abilities, but so very worth pursuing!
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