Surprises from God

I have an intense personality- lots of thinking transpires inside my little head (ha). I love to figure out stuff, discern things, and utilize wisdom. Sometimes really great.. sometimes not so much! The not so much part is due to mixing what has been a gift from God, to be used for His kingdom and glory, with sin; namely for me it would be either pride or fear. When discernment gets mixed with pride, it results in trying to attain the praise and glory of man for how 'wise' or smart I am. Horrific things happen when I find myself on the throne of my heart! People around me, usually the ones I love most, are hurt. It's all around messy and disgusting! I probably could write another post on another day about such sins and atrocities found in my heart.. However, the thought for today is mixing my God-given gift of discernment with fear. Control. Manipulation. Not waiting. And other ugly stuff is what erupts from this.

I think often of the story of Abraham. The promise of Isaac had been given; such a seemingly impossible thing! And yet he trusted.. for years he trusted (more than I can usually say for myself). But Sarah and Abraham began to think and talk and use human wisdom and logic to tackle the problem of no son coming. A messy situation was born; not one that God didn't redeem and use for His glory, though. But if you read closely in the passage, you can see and feel the fear. The 'what-if's'. The doubts. Lack of trust.

I'm not really a person that does well with surprises. I like to know things beforehand and be able to be prepared and plan accordingly. I struggle to trust others. I approach life the same way. Okay, God said this, promised this, or has led me in this way in the past. So, logically I can deduce that this is what He's planning to do with my future, and He's going to shape me in this way, we're going to go here, do this, and blah blah blah.. on and on my mind runs and goes! When my brain actually stops for a minute, sadness creeps in. How and why do I feel the need to 'one up' God? To figure things out before He reveals it to me? To 'help' Him out in my life? It's fear. It's a lack of trust. It's a doubt that He's really, truly good. And it results in weary-carrying-of-burdens-that-aren't-mine-to-carry.

So, this season of life has been one of attempted rest. One of trying to sit at the back of the boat with the One who's the only One on board capable of calming the raging storm, not rushing about in meaningless, wearisome activity. A season of deep trust. Of trying to learn to enjoy and love surprises- especially ones from my sweet Abba.

Precious Father, You most certainly are good! Forgive my doubts, lack of trust, and constant companionship with fear. You will never give me a stone or a snake when I'm needing a bread or fish! You enjoy my simple delight in Your gifts after waiting upon You. It's a beautiful thing! Help me to remember this day in and day out. May I not pick up heavy burdens that were and are never mine to carry. Teach me patience and trust. My heart is Yours and Yours alone! Amen