Waiting

A lot of life consists of waiting. I come from a culture where we aren't very great at this aspect of life. We've been taught, through different aspects of technology, that waiting is pointless, not necessary, and to be avoided. Meals are prepared through an instant box mix or more preferable: purchased at a fast food joint or restaurant. We upgrade our phones every year (or more often) for faster speed, more convenience, etc. We buy things online so we don't have to wait in lines. I can go on and on.. And yet, in the midst of all that, I still find myself waiting quite a bit. Not having been taught how to do that, I confess, I'm pretty bad at it!

I think I don't really grasp the concept. Waiting implies trust and hope. Trust in the person (mostly God here) or thing you're waiting on. And hoping it will one day transpire. Both rub against the grain of my personality to the extreme. I'm not a dreamer by nature; not a hope-r. I'm more of a practical, realist. If I can put my hands on it, have some sort of controlling grasp on things, or see and understand, then I'll be okay to wait. Haha- hope and trust don't work that way.. not at all!

So, in the past I did a great job at sticking around for things I could control or understand, and 'sacrificing to God' that which I didn't (more commonly known as 'walking away'). I thought I was being oh-so-holy when I'd give those things to God. But reality was that God was asking me to climb up on that altar myself and wait on Him. Ouch! Who wants to be a burnt sacrifice?

So, I've been learning what waiting means and looks like. Waiting doesn't mean laying on the ground, watching for the grass to grow. It doesn't mean ramming your head on a wall over and over as you 'pray' (yell) and give things to the Lord. It doesn't mean turning your heart off, ignoring things, and trying to manage life without. It means humble prayers; trust in God. It means remembering that your heart is still beating, there is breath in your body, and life is happening. It means you wait on the Lord, without waiting being the defining factor of yourself and your life.

Have you ever met someone who had received some bad health news in their youth, and they allowed the words of the doctor to control their life, even though it had been 25 years and they were still alive and going strong? Have you ever met someone who fought a hard battle against some odds, only to fail.. but the real defeat was that they gave up and stopped trying? Those sorts of waits mark our culture and our time! Where is our faith, our hope, our fight, our passion, our waiting?

I confess it's hard to be nearly 28 and single. Life hasn't happened as I'd planned or hoped. I often look in the mirror and feel any youth and beauty still left in my body is being wasted- where's my husband to enjoy that? How many childless women wonder why they have all the right 'equipment', motherly personality, and passion for motherhood, but no child? Gifts, talents, skills that go unused and unappreciated. A struggle to 'fit in' someplace after living overseas- where's home now? But I don't want to be 'that person'! Yes, my heart has longings, but my life is wasted if those become my focus in the waiting. One of my all time favorite verses has always been: 'Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.' That's where my waiting is- delighting in the Lord.. He knows my deepest desires- things I don't even know exist. And worshiping Him in the waiting is the only (I repeat: only) way to achieve all that my heart longs for. Sure, I could go out and marry today, have 9 kids, build a large house, and find a way to utilize all my gifts and talents.. But what happens to my heart? How does it not die in the process? How does all my rushing about not leave me emptier than I was in the desert of waiting?

Oh, Abba- how hard it is to wait! How hard to trust You for things my eyes and heart can't see and understand! How I'm so much like Jonah, ready to die when I can't control or get my way.. Why can't I just delight in You, trust You, and live with all my might as I wait on You? Help me, for my eyes are too dim, my faith much too small, and my wandering heart too restless to be still and quiet. You, and You alone, are all I hope for! Remind me..