I don't think most people would look at my life and be envious. But I have to say my life has been exciting.. granted, not the sort of excitement the world sells and passes off as 'adventurous'. Rather, God's sort of exciting adventure!
When I moved home from Kosovo nine months ago, my brother-in-law gave (yes, gave) me his car! Pretty much a God-thing and massive blessing to me. It's a really nice vehicle, but it's had a lot of ups and downs. Mainly more in the down department lately. About a month ago Jed (as he's come to be known to me) was smoking under the hood, dripping fluid, and not running so well. He went to the shop.. 2,400 and something dollars later he was returned to me. As you can imagine, having only been working for about 6 months in a 'ministry' sort of job, that wiped out my entire savings account. I was devastated! God and I had a lot of words. Okay, so I did the yelling, and He patiently waited until I was finished. That was going to be my money to go back and visit all my friends in Europe- not such a bad thing, right? Well, it was gone, and I had about $50 to my name.
After I finished complaining and arguing with God over the direction of life He was taking me, He began to speak.. or rather, I finally began to listen. "Just as you lived by faith in Kosovo for 3 years, not knowing where your money was coming from or how you were always going to make ends meet, I want you to continue to live by faith here in the US. Trusting Me, taking care of your immediate needs, and giving the rest away to My work around the globe and in your city."
Humpf.. so much for my savings account. For my thrifty personality. I hate, hate, hate being dependent on others! My pride shudders when people imply that I live in refugee housing because I'm poor. I want to be successful. Self-sufficient. Prove to people I can stand on my own two feet. I hate friends buying meals for me when we go out. They view it as a blessing; my heart cringes because it feels like pity (ugh- my wicked heart is awful to confess!). I seriously make jokes all the time about being DONE living off of support for right now. It's not a fun place to be! And so, you can imagine my frustration over God calling me back to this place..
I won't detail the entire process, but I do want to share my 'Yay, God' moment. A friend who's serving the Lord in the Philippines logged into Facebook, shared a need, and was needing an immediate response because her internet access was limited. I logged in at the same time, had just been praying about who to give and how, and saw her post. Wham! Bam! Bang- sealed envelope floating her way for $150. Tears of joy flowing down my cheeks. How awesome God was to provide that, and bless even me who was so reluctant to give out of the abundance I have been given. The next day I was at my home group. A friend walks in and hands me a check. Okay, so that used to be the norm for my life. I had told myself that I was soooo done with that! My face flushed as I tried to hand it back and asked why. He quietly replied: "I wanted to help out with your car." I pretty much wanted to cry, but I eeked out a small thank you. I later opened the check: $200. Humbling!! God not only provided for me what He'd asked me to give away, but gave more back in return.
Life doesn't always happen like that. Ha, I'm very well aware of that. But I do know that God is merciful, gracious, and kind. He longs for us to give Him all we have, and waits patiently until we do so. Blessings aren't always in monetary gifts. In fact, I thought I'd already received my blessing in being able to help the surgery of some children with cleft palates. I don't know why He chose to bless me again. But it does stick out as a constant reminder to open my hands and give without worry or fear. He will provide all I'll ever need!! And it's really okay to be dependent on other people.. in fact, that's sort of how He designed His Body to be lived out ;)
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