Living by Faith

I don't think most people would look at my life and be envious. But I have to say my life has been exciting.. granted, not the sort of excitement the world sells and passes off as 'adventurous'. Rather, God's sort of exciting adventure!

When I moved home from Kosovo nine months ago, my brother-in-law gave (yes, gave) me his car! Pretty much a God-thing and massive blessing to me. It's a really nice vehicle, but it's had a lot of ups and downs. Mainly more in the down department lately. About a month ago Jed (as he's come to be known to me) was smoking under the hood, dripping fluid, and not running so well. He went to the shop.. 2,400 and something dollars later he was returned to me. As you can imagine, having only been working for about 6 months in a 'ministry' sort of job, that wiped out my entire savings account. I was devastated! God and I had a lot of words. Okay, so I did the yelling, and He patiently waited until I was finished. That was going to be my money to go back and visit all my friends in Europe- not such a bad thing, right? Well, it was gone, and I had about $50 to my name.

After I finished complaining and arguing with God over the direction of life He was taking me, He began to speak.. or rather, I finally began to listen. "Just as you lived by faith in Kosovo for 3 years, not knowing where your money was coming from or how you were always going to make ends meet, I want you to continue to live by faith here in the US. Trusting Me, taking care of your immediate needs, and giving the rest away to My work around the globe and in your city."

Humpf.. so much for my savings account. For my thrifty personality. I hate, hate, hate being dependent on others! My pride shudders when people imply that I live in refugee housing because I'm poor. I want to be successful. Self-sufficient. Prove to people I can stand on my own two feet. I hate friends buying meals for me when we go out. They view it as a blessing; my heart cringes because it feels like pity (ugh- my wicked heart is awful to confess!). I seriously make jokes all the time about being DONE living off of support for right now. It's not a fun place to be! And so, you can imagine my frustration over God calling me back to this place..

I won't detail the entire process, but I do want to share my 'Yay, God' moment. A friend who's serving the Lord in the Philippines logged into Facebook, shared a need, and was needing an immediate response because her internet access was limited. I logged in at the same time, had just been praying about who to give and how, and saw her post. Wham! Bam! Bang- sealed envelope floating her way for $150. Tears of joy flowing down my cheeks. How awesome God was to provide that, and bless even me who was so reluctant to give out of the abundance I have been given. The next day I was at my home group. A friend walks in and hands me a check. Okay, so that used to be the norm for my life. I had told myself that I was soooo done with that! My face flushed as I tried to hand it back and asked why. He quietly replied: "I wanted to help out with your car." I pretty much wanted to cry, but I eeked out a small thank you. I later opened the check: $200. Humbling!! God not only provided for me what He'd asked me to give away, but gave more back in return.

Life doesn't always happen like that. Ha, I'm very well aware of that. But I do know that God is merciful, gracious, and kind. He longs for us to give Him all we have, and waits patiently until we do so. Blessings aren't always in monetary gifts. In fact, I thought I'd already received my blessing in being able to help the surgery of some children with cleft palates. I don't know why He chose to bless me again. But it does stick out as a constant reminder to open my hands and give without worry or fear. He will provide all I'll ever need!! And it's really okay to be dependent on other people.. in fact, that's sort of how He designed His Body to be lived out ;)

Waiting

A lot of life consists of waiting. I come from a culture where we aren't very great at this aspect of life. We've been taught, through different aspects of technology, that waiting is pointless, not necessary, and to be avoided. Meals are prepared through an instant box mix or more preferable: purchased at a fast food joint or restaurant. We upgrade our phones every year (or more often) for faster speed, more convenience, etc. We buy things online so we don't have to wait in lines. I can go on and on.. And yet, in the midst of all that, I still find myself waiting quite a bit. Not having been taught how to do that, I confess, I'm pretty bad at it!

I think I don't really grasp the concept. Waiting implies trust and hope. Trust in the person (mostly God here) or thing you're waiting on. And hoping it will one day transpire. Both rub against the grain of my personality to the extreme. I'm not a dreamer by nature; not a hope-r. I'm more of a practical, realist. If I can put my hands on it, have some sort of controlling grasp on things, or see and understand, then I'll be okay to wait. Haha- hope and trust don't work that way.. not at all!

So, in the past I did a great job at sticking around for things I could control or understand, and 'sacrificing to God' that which I didn't (more commonly known as 'walking away'). I thought I was being oh-so-holy when I'd give those things to God. But reality was that God was asking me to climb up on that altar myself and wait on Him. Ouch! Who wants to be a burnt sacrifice?

So, I've been learning what waiting means and looks like. Waiting doesn't mean laying on the ground, watching for the grass to grow. It doesn't mean ramming your head on a wall over and over as you 'pray' (yell) and give things to the Lord. It doesn't mean turning your heart off, ignoring things, and trying to manage life without. It means humble prayers; trust in God. It means remembering that your heart is still beating, there is breath in your body, and life is happening. It means you wait on the Lord, without waiting being the defining factor of yourself and your life.

Have you ever met someone who had received some bad health news in their youth, and they allowed the words of the doctor to control their life, even though it had been 25 years and they were still alive and going strong? Have you ever met someone who fought a hard battle against some odds, only to fail.. but the real defeat was that they gave up and stopped trying? Those sorts of waits mark our culture and our time! Where is our faith, our hope, our fight, our passion, our waiting?

I confess it's hard to be nearly 28 and single. Life hasn't happened as I'd planned or hoped. I often look in the mirror and feel any youth and beauty still left in my body is being wasted- where's my husband to enjoy that? How many childless women wonder why they have all the right 'equipment', motherly personality, and passion for motherhood, but no child? Gifts, talents, skills that go unused and unappreciated. A struggle to 'fit in' someplace after living overseas- where's home now? But I don't want to be 'that person'! Yes, my heart has longings, but my life is wasted if those become my focus in the waiting. One of my all time favorite verses has always been: 'Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.' That's where my waiting is- delighting in the Lord.. He knows my deepest desires- things I don't even know exist. And worshiping Him in the waiting is the only (I repeat: only) way to achieve all that my heart longs for. Sure, I could go out and marry today, have 9 kids, build a large house, and find a way to utilize all my gifts and talents.. But what happens to my heart? How does it not die in the process? How does all my rushing about not leave me emptier than I was in the desert of waiting?

Oh, Abba- how hard it is to wait! How hard to trust You for things my eyes and heart can't see and understand! How I'm so much like Jonah, ready to die when I can't control or get my way.. Why can't I just delight in You, trust You, and live with all my might as I wait on You? Help me, for my eyes are too dim, my faith much too small, and my wandering heart too restless to be still and quiet. You, and You alone, are all I hope for! Remind me..

Prayer

(wrote this ages ago, but for some reason never posted it..)

I realize that the title of this blog isn't catchy or attention grabbing. It's simply one word; a word that most of us don't want to hear about or think about cos it summons guilt. However, it is what has very much been on my heart lately. I'd like to invite you to take a few minutes to watch probably my favorite Youtube video I've ever seen. It's hard, and it's convicting...but it's worth it!

There was a time when I prayed a lot, but none of those prayers were all that legit. You see, I was praying with my head and not my heart. I can vividly remember the day when all that changed. I was sitting in the closet of my dorm room during my senior year of college. I had my list of people and circumstances that needed prayer in front of me. However, I only made it to one of those- a member of my family that was going through a really hard time. As I prayed for deliverance, freedom, hope, restoration, etc. a weird thing began to happen: tears rolled down my cheeks and turned into sobs erupting from my chest. I remember apologizing to God for ruining prayer time with all these emotions... And then He gently spoke to my heart, then and in the days to come, "This is what it's all about; prayer touching your heart to the point of feeling and acting on the behalf of someone else!" Intercession!

That day seems long, long ago, but the lesson learned has stuck with me. It's the lesson spoken of in the video above. Anguish. Discomfort. Grief. Bearing the burden of another. Things that don't come natural to us humans. Especially in this day and age. We're creatures of comfort! Of convenience. And truly we can be; technology affords us any comfort and ease our hearts so desire! We're one of the most selfish people groups this world has ever known, here in the West... But that's a rant for another day and another blog! However, look how that plays out in our prayer lives: We offer prayer like a condolence, a parting of ways when someone's struggling. It sort of reminds me of how I toss out a friendly: "How are you?" when I see someone I know and don't really expect an answer. Both parties know that person will likely not be praying for them or for anything else. I've seen it demonstrated over and over these past few years when someone tells me they'll pray for something or someone in Kosovo and when I see them again they can't even remember me even talking about said thing. I'm guilty of it too. But I think the heart of the issue is a bit deeper...

I remember in high school watching an old war movie (you know, the boring ones they're allowed to show- documentary style) on WWII. Part of it was in regards to the villages surrounding the concentration camps, and how they 'didn't know that one mile (or less) away was one of those camp'. I remembering being in shock over this bit of information. Thousands upon thousands of bodies being burned, the cries of starvation, torture, and death echoing out, people escaping... How could they not know? But there's this part of our brain that shuts off when it gets overwhelmed. A young woman abused as a child with no recollection of the abuse. How's that possible? Her mind blocked it out- it was too horrific and painful to process and feel. We treat this world the same way. People have told me, to my face, "I'd rather not know those things", "I don't know how you lived there, saw those things, or did that", "I can't handle thinking about all that." I've always been sweet and attempted a smile, even changed the subject...all while seething internally. How can you just not know? How can you just not care? How can you try and tune it all out? IT'S THE WORLD! This place where you live. I'm talking about a person; not one ounce made from anything different than yourself! Blows my mind that someone could call themselves a Christian and turn their head away! Read the Old Testament- nearly every rebuke has to do with this same issue. Ignoring the orphan, forgetting the plight of the widow, oppressing the foreigner, not helping, not giving, not caring, being self-focused and driven...What about God? What about His heart? Read the Gospels and see who Jesus loved and spent time with!

I get it. I get that it's overwhelming, uncomfortable, awkward, and requires a lot. And I think God would expect us to do nothing, cos truly we can't, if it was left up to ourselves. But He didn't leave us that way. We have prayer, and we have the Holy Spirit. There is power beyond measure and what I can write on this page in both of those things!

John Hyde, at the end of his life, would pray for God to save 4 souls a day through his life and words. And he would pray each night until God gave him the peace that He was going to do that the next day...and it would happen! George Mueller never let a single request pass his lips except in prayer; he ran 4 homes for hundreds of orphans, pastored a church, and did countless other ministries. No child ever went hungry. And the money that is recorded in his log books is astronomical- all given as a result of Mueller's prayers. Or take the revivals that swept through Europe or the US- they were rooted in people praying night and day. Or Charles Spurgeon, Jonathon Edwards, Charles Finnley...these great men would spend hours (sometimes all day) on their knees in anguish for those around them. Where are these warriors today? Why am I not following in their footsteps? Why do I allow Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, games on my phone, or whatever 'straws' I decide to grasp at to fill my time distract me all day long? Half-hearted prayers fill my life. "God, please save so and so. Please rescue this person from this addiction. Would You provide for him? Be near her..." A mere sentence here and there throughout my day. No, that's not wrong, but where is my heart? Where are my tears? Where's the anguish; the battling for another person on my knees? Where is my love?

I guess it all boils down to this: if I really believe what I say I believe, wouldn't it show up more in my worship of the Lord through prayer? Do I believe in hell? Yes! But am I praying for the lost that encircle my life on a daily basis? Do I truly believe in the freedom and life offered in Christ? Yes! What of those around me that have yet to experience that? Do I love the kids God has put in my path? What about the people my friends serving the Lord around the globe ask for prayer for? How can I pass all this by without letting it penetrate my heart, mind, and soul?

May the Lord raise up a generation humble enough to seek His face in prayer to the point that it's as natural as breathing in and out!!

Passion and Courage

This is one of those blogs that feels like a thought about to explode inside you, and if you don't get it out somehow, it will damage something internally. So, here goes..

At the summer's end I'll have been home a year from Kosovo. What a year it has been! Processing, hurting, growing, learning, wanting to sit down and quit, and an immense amount of prayer. You see, I left Kosovo because I knew the Lord was drawing me home. Part of my 'knowing' that was I felt like I had collapsed and failed at every thing I'd been passionate about doing before I moved there. 'Burn out' is what they call it. That title provided me some comfort as I was wrapping things up, because it helped me to feel not so alone in my retreating back 'home'. But this past year has been a relentless plaguing of my heart and mind over what truly happened.

I've been reading a powerful book called: Chasing the Dragon. It's one woman's story about following the Lord to Hong Kong, loved the people there, and watched the Lord move in a powerful way. But the most impactful portion of the book for me has been her description of the 'long-term' missionaries. People who'd been there for a long, long time. Folks who knew the 'appropriate' way of 'doing church'. Older, more experienced, and quick to share their 'wisdom' with everyone. She talks about her full passion slowly turning into whether it was appropriate to wear this sort of clothes, be seen with these sorts of people, and what she was going to bring to the church's picnic on Sunday afternoon. Not all bad stuff, but missing the point entirely! These older, wise people would often explain how there was sort of 'spiritual cloud' hanging over Hong Kong.. this is why people weren't getting saved.

I read these paragraphs and wept. Almost word for word, I could have written that! One of the girls that joined my team expressed it like this: "I feel like everyone has clipped my wings off once I came here!" Full of life, passion, boldness, and courage people go out, only to encounter a list of 'things that work', 'do this, don't do this', and 'how God is moving here'. Please don't hear me trying to bash older, more experienced missionaries. That's not my heart at all! But I do think that so often there is a rebuke for the youthful, for the passionate, for those who step out in what they think is faith and make a mess. But where is that for the 'wing clippers' in our midst?

Is it any surprise that some of the most awesome miracles of the Bible that we think of and talk about are done by youthful, young, passionate people? People who hadn't had their 'wings clipped' and had God put into a box yet? David. Mary. Joseph. Gideon. Samson. Esther. Yes, there were those like Moses, Abraham, Paul, etc that God put through an intense maturing process before He used them. He uses both! But I think the focus is often put, in the church, on the mature, wise believers as the pillars. But the mistake in that is to only allow them to be the pillars. Too much wisdom, maturity, and experience breeds stagnation!

These last days I have felt the same fears, failures, and discouragements I felt while I was living in Kosovo. You see, I'm fearful enough on my own! The only boldness I have had can't be accredited as coming from within me. It was derived from the Lord, and mostly me following another person. Some brave soul, who knew how BIG and awesome our God was, and stepped out in faith. But when the people around me aren't brave, bold, or living by faith, I find my natural tendency is to want to sit down and join them (probably my own sin). But who is this God I serve? Is it not the same God who parted a sea? Who created the entire universe? Who knit my own being together? Who slayed giants, shut mouths of lions, feeds the tiny sparrows? Who knew what it would take to bring abundance, joy, hope, and life to a broken, lost world, and then died to provide that? Who is this God? Do I even know Him if I'm content to sit on the sidelines??

Stagnation. One of my biggest fears. Because it essentially says I've stuck God into my own box of understanding and am too fearful to embark outside my comfort zone. It says I don't believe that God is who He says He is. That He can do what He says He can do. And that I am who He says I am.

'Surround me, O Abba, with people who remind me of You. Who en-courage (put courage within me) to be bold and powerful in Your Spirit. Who know You as You are and are passionate about spreading that! Strip me of all fears that leave me sitting on the sidelines. Empower me to walk by faith, to expect You to move in might, and believe and pray to that end, even when my eyes and heart don't see or understand! Amen'