Flash Back: Feb 3, 2009

Found this while going through old files on my computer (this was 6 months after leaving the US)...

My heart hasn’t been in journaling lately, so I thought I’d try pouring out my heart on here and see if that helps me. I do have much to write about; so much has gone on in my heart and in my life as of late. Honestly, I am angry on the inside most of the time lately. Today I was reading through Romans 12 trying to discover the root of my problem. I think I found it: me and my own foolish pride. I know that sounds simple, but really it is the problem.

I came here to Kosove thinking one thing; my ministry was going to be this and that and not this or that. Well, I got here and nothing has been like planned. I find myself feeling trapped in a place and expected to do things I don’t want to. The story of someone at my conference in Holland keeps coming back to my mind. He joined my organization thinking he’d learned so much and done so much already in life; he had much to offer. Well, he got put in the kitchen peeling potatoes and washing dishes- hardly anything fit for one of his expertise. I sort of laughed the story off back then, but now it rings true. I have been through Bible school, have a degree in Psych, been raised in the church, had oodles of experience working with children, etc. And yet here I am: assisting in an Art class, speaking words that I am told to speak to give them a proper accent in an English class, leading the motions for songs for the children’s meeting, sitting in on a girl’s meeting- not knowing what questions they are asking or what is being said, and sitting alone in the library for 4 hours once a week. Hardly worth me coming all the way to Kosove for, right? Well, that is the root of my heart problem: why am I here? Anyone can do the things I am doing. There is no creativity, no real heart involvement, no making any decisions or choices on my own. So, due to that root problem, another one arises. Why in the world am I putting myself through sheer torture of being here and being a part of this team if I am not being effective? That menial amount of ministry isn’t worth the painfulness of all the rest. But as I met with You today, I heard You say: 'maybe ministry isn’t the important thing in your life right now.' So, I guess I am in training right now...


Guess I was! Looking back, it provided a good foundation of humility for all that laid ahead next. The story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with the little boy's lunch rings so true of my heart during this time. The little boy gave all he had, and then watched as Jesus turned away...and broke it all into pieces! How he must have felt. He'd given everything as a blessing to the Great Teacher, the Master he'd traveled miles to see. And his gift, his offering was seemingly treated with disdain. But the thing unknown was that that gift, that offering was being broken to be multiplied- to bless and feed many. 


How often that is our lives. We give them to God as an offering. But we give them with some expectations or hopes attached. We have our dreams and plans, often unbeknownst to us even. But then things often get uncomfortable, hard, or even painful. And we wonder how God could take that gift, everything we humanly possess, and break it or abuse it. But God isn't just after the temporary; for that moment. He's after our ultimate good and His glory... and to achieve that often takes brokenness and pain.


In some ways I find myself here again- in a painful season of life; wondering what in the world God's doing with 'my gift'... And yet the truth of this lesson (accompanied by the hundred others learned while overseas) provides patience, trust, and joy in the middle of difficult circumstances.


Guess I'm in training right now... again :)


(sometimes blogging makes me want to throw my computer across the room- I just spent 20 mins trying to get the font to all look the same...and now I'm done cos I'm done, not cos it looks any better...Boo!)