It's been 2 months since I posted! That's surprising for this blog...however, not so much for where I'm at in life. There's so much to say, and yet nothing at all. These past months have been spent seeing family, doing random things for cash, looking for a job, praying a lot, and trying to follow Him towards what's next. The hardest part has been feeling young, 'just out of college' again... Only back then I had a big dream (to move overseas), and now I have a shattered dream (great book: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb). It's not at all a bad place to be; just rough. And it makes searching out God's heart and His dream a bit more difficult, and me a bit more hesitant. It's just a season, though- that's my motto at the moment! A season to be learned from. A season to be treasured, as hard as that is. A season to be well spent. A season to share with others- now and one day with maybe a deeper wisdom.
So, as I struggle to believe that all the things from the past 3 years were true and really, indeed happened. As I wrestle with not being able to look through any pictures of friends and kids I worked with. As I weep over what was and no longer is. As I remember the hard lessons God taught and who I am because of that. As I try not to block it all out cos it doesn't fit in with society here so well, and I often feel different and awkward... God is here! He was here 4 years ago. He knew these moments before they even began. He's outside of time. And He's in tomorrow- even though I have no clue what will transpire then!
Trust... Guess that would be the one word I could sum up this reentry process in. Do you trust Me? Do you entrust yourself, your doubts, your fears, your failures, your pains, your joys, your triumphs, your anxieties... to Me? Do you believe I'm after your good? Do you believe that I'm loving? Will you let your heart be held fully by Me...whatever comes? Trust!
"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, BUT you would have none of it.'"
-Isaiah 30:15 (my cling-to verse during these past weeks)
The choices before and after this passage were walling yourself in or fleeing- I've been guilty of both. But what freedom I've found in repenting, resting, being still and quiet, and simply trusting! :)
1 comment:
I believe that there is a lot of wisdom, a lot of treasure in what the Lord has done in your life in the past couple of years.. and as you struggle through it, I am confident that He will unpack it for you in one way or another. I'm sure the healing and joy are in that package somewhere, too.
In the words of that great fish philosopher "just keep swimming..."
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