...it was when I carried you!

Three years ago, as I planned to go to Albania to work with street kids, I was so young and so sure of how everything would go. I remember vividly sitting out on the deck in my backyard, planning what I would do and say, who I'd become, and where it would lead me. The following month, January 2008, was the first of many things that knocked me to my knees. During my required physical it was discovered that I had a heart condition. These past 3 years it has been up and down, mainly the doctors don't know much about my problem. But there was one night, right after it had been discovered, that I can see and feel perfectly; even now. I was 100% sure that I wouldn't make it through the night; that if I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up. I remember setting my room up so that whoever found me would not have so much stuff to take care of. And I laid in my bed and wept for hours. I pleaded and begged God: "Please, let me live! I want so much to be with You, but at the age of 23 I haven't done anything yet..."

Well, as we all know, I lived through the night, and the next 3 years. My heart is still going strong, but nothing that I planned and pleaded with God for has come about. Oh, I went on the mission field and have had a busy last few years. But the only thing I know now is this: I feel very much aged and unsure of everything.

I could depict the past years, or even months, and the pain and sorrow that has taken place in my life. I could fill pages upon pages of difficult things, people who've betrayed me, and all the tears I've wept. And truly that is where my heart has been focused these past months. I've been really burned out and pretty depressed. The one thing I keep pleading with God for is a restoration of my joy. It hasn't happened yet.

These days I cry a lot. Part of that is good; the Lord has softened my heart so much. But mostly there is just this emptiness and overwhelming sorrow engulfing me. Where do I go? Who do I turn to? What's the next step? What am I doing? Is it worth it all??

I guess I don't have answers to any of those questions at the present. I'm just asking you to pray for me. Pray for my focus to get off myself, what has transpired, and the "woes" I spend my time meditating on. Pray for God to reveal the next step for me. Pray for me to listen to Him; to be near His side and not running away like I so often am doing. Pray for my heart to heal- there are many things I've been wounded by and in some ways am struggling with bitterness. Pray for a friend for me- I am so utterly lonely on the inside. And pray for rest and restoration to my soul.

Thanks for journeying these past 3 years with me. It has been your prayers and support that carry me onward. And I need them again, now more than ever.

Much love...