Blonde Moment

Yesterday I was returning home from Albania. For those of you that have never traveled in Europe by car, when you cross a border you must wait in a long line for a border guard to check your documents and car. I was waiting in that long line but there was a semi (lorry) in front of me and I couldn't see much. It seemed like the cars were passing through the border without checking their documents, so I assumed the border was closed and they'd check both for Albania and Kosovo at the next check point a few yards further...So, I just drove right on through!

That got all the guards up in arms (literally) and they started yelling and shouting at me. Oh man, I've never seen such angry policemen! I stopped and a border policeman approached speaking Albanian. At this point I felt really dumb, so I decided to play the stupid American and greeted him in English. He asked in Albanian if I spoke his language to which I said no (looking back that was a lie, but at the time it didn't even cross my mind to say yes). He then asked me in very broken English if I knew what this was; with a smirk on his face. He took my documents and then came back to make small talk- stupid American and South Korean girls, sounds like fun, eh? He asked where I worked, what I was doing, etc. And then I responded in Albanian...and blew my cover. If you're going to lie about something, you need to follow through!

Well, there was no lasting damage- just on my pride. But I will never, ever drive through a border again! Whew...

The Christmas Story (HD version)

...it was when I carried you!

Three years ago, as I planned to go to Albania to work with street kids, I was so young and so sure of how everything would go. I remember vividly sitting out on the deck in my backyard, planning what I would do and say, who I'd become, and where it would lead me. The following month, January 2008, was the first of many things that knocked me to my knees. During my required physical it was discovered that I had a heart condition. These past 3 years it has been up and down, mainly the doctors don't know much about my problem. But there was one night, right after it had been discovered, that I can see and feel perfectly; even now. I was 100% sure that I wouldn't make it through the night; that if I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up. I remember setting my room up so that whoever found me would not have so much stuff to take care of. And I laid in my bed and wept for hours. I pleaded and begged God: "Please, let me live! I want so much to be with You, but at the age of 23 I haven't done anything yet..."

Well, as we all know, I lived through the night, and the next 3 years. My heart is still going strong, but nothing that I planned and pleaded with God for has come about. Oh, I went on the mission field and have had a busy last few years. But the only thing I know now is this: I feel very much aged and unsure of everything.

I could depict the past years, or even months, and the pain and sorrow that has taken place in my life. I could fill pages upon pages of difficult things, people who've betrayed me, and all the tears I've wept. And truly that is where my heart has been focused these past months. I've been really burned out and pretty depressed. The one thing I keep pleading with God for is a restoration of my joy. It hasn't happened yet.

These days I cry a lot. Part of that is good; the Lord has softened my heart so much. But mostly there is just this emptiness and overwhelming sorrow engulfing me. Where do I go? Who do I turn to? What's the next step? What am I doing? Is it worth it all??

I guess I don't have answers to any of those questions at the present. I'm just asking you to pray for me. Pray for my focus to get off myself, what has transpired, and the "woes" I spend my time meditating on. Pray for God to reveal the next step for me. Pray for me to listen to Him; to be near His side and not running away like I so often am doing. Pray for my heart to heal- there are many things I've been wounded by and in some ways am struggling with bitterness. Pray for a friend for me- I am so utterly lonely on the inside. And pray for rest and restoration to my soul.

Thanks for journeying these past 3 years with me. It has been your prayers and support that carry me onward. And I need them again, now more than ever.

Much love...

the Need

Tonight my roommate and I watched (yet again) the movie made about William Wilberforce called: Amazing Grace. Powerful film! I've read a bit on Wilberforce, not a lot, but enough to know that he was a pretty incredible man. And every time I watch that movie, I finish it wanting so desperately to be him. To give my life for something beyond me. To fight injustice that surrounds. To love the Lord, serve Him, and invest this gift that has been given me in hope of seeing the Kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven. I get this same feeling when I watch movies like: Schindler's List, Hotel Rwanda, End of the Spear, etc. Or read countless other biographies of faithful men and women that loved the Lord and gave their all for Him.

However, the older I get, the more realistic I become about such things. I listen to other people. The loudness of passion has begun to fade. I am but one small, very small, person. And more than that- who am I? Pretty humble origins. Really have nothing worthy in my character or talents worth boasting about...even if I wanted. I will be the first to say that I'm a nobody in all regards.

And yet... here I sit. Tears running down my cheeks. Feeling shattered over the poverty, injustice, abuse, suffering, and despair that haunt every corner of this world. There isn't a country on this globe that isn't in need of someone sensitive to the Lord's heart for compassion and love to those in need. Slavery lives on still! Trafficking of girls and boys, young and old, is taking place in staggering quantities everywhere! People lack clean water, simple medications, a safe place to live... I could go on and on with thoughts and images that plague my heart. But I believe that you yourself know these things- maybe not on the surface, but deep inside.  And they plague you too.

The question is this: what are we going to do?

The Need surrounds

It oppresses the one who

With eyes and ears wide open

Feels and gives attention

Many a man spends

Day & night, night & day

A lifetime of moments

Patching justice

The Need is fluid

Ever-changing

Sucking dry and enveloping

The one who gave their all

Many give everything

To a cause or hope

With baited expectation

Only to be used and left empty

Martha, Martha

The need is always present

But one Thing remains

Chose Me

I wrote this poem last week, as I felt this war raging inside me. I know that I'm not a poet, but these words express my heart and the things that feel overwhelming in so many ways right now. Maybe I'm not the one to go- maybe it is you. But either way, let's pray to the One who has all things under His control. I'm sure He has a plan already formed!

"You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know."

“If to be feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large.”

-William Wilberforce

Bringing Hope

This was supposed to be at the end...But alas I can't figure out the new Blogger, so it remains at the beginning. But this was a little girl's reaction to the childrens' Bible we'd just given her and her friends that were eagerly waiting. Soooo precious!

This picture is just for fun. It has been rainy and cold for over 1.5 months! Not to mention the wind...

This summer my team (all but one pictured here) decided that, once a week, we would take up a post in different villages and distribute books to the children, men, and women we can find outdoors. Totally outside my comfort zone... (that is so often where the Lord wants me!)

They load up their backpacks with Bibles and other relevant books and begin the 2+ hour trek through the remote parts of the village. This week they were invited into 3 Roma homes.

And my roommate and I stand guard at the jeep, with a table set up, and patiently wait for the mob of children that always results when the nearby school lets out.

Nearly everyone on my team loves this craziness. Me, well, I just think they're crazy! But God is blessing this ministry, and I have to admit it has been exciting to partake in it.

 

My favorite picture from the village today. The devastation from the war isn't just in the landscape. It is in hearts and lives all around this nation. Please pray that the Truth in the books we pass out will take root, and that restoration, healing, and hope will find their anchor in those hearts and lives!