Inner Struggles

These last 2 years I have been battling a lot of internal junk- things I was raised with, things that are part of my culture, things that are just simply accepted and not thought about, religious things, and a whole slew of stuff! It has been rough, but something I wouldn’t trade anything in this world for… So here’s a glimpse into one of the many struggles- feel free to send me an email or Skype with me about it. I know I am blunt and judgmental so often.

Before I begin, I want to quote John Piper from his book: The Roots of Endurance (about John Newton, Charles Simeon, and William Wilberforce). “There is a mind-set in the prosperous West that we deserve pain-free, trouble-free existence. When life deals us the opposite, we have a right not only to blame somebody or some system and to feel sorry for ourselves, but also to devote most of our time to coping, so that we have no time or energy left over for serving others.

This mind-set gives a trajectory to life that is almost universal—namely, away from stress and toward comfort and safety and relief. Then within that very natural trajectory some people begin to think of ministry and find ways of serving God inside the boundaries set by the aims of self-protection. Then churches grow up in this mind-set, and it never occurs to anyone in such a community of believers that choosing discomfort, stress, and danger might be the right thing—even the normal, biblical thing—to do.”

If I would have read this quote a few years back, I would have freaked out. Suffering? Me? Yikes! And yet, here I am, living and working in Kosova for nearly 2 years, and I would say now: “Sign me up!” Not cuz I am a sick, twisted human being who likes suffering and pain, but rather I embrace it and to some extent long for it, because I know where it takes me: nearer to my precious Saviour! And so the thought that continually floats back into my mind is this: if we truly believed, truly believed the Word of God, how vastly different our lives would look!

Why am I seen as weird or abnormal, leaving my family and home country, in the church? Why am I the person who stands out as slightly odd and different from others? Why is it that one of the most common questions that I receive in emails is this: ‘When are you coming home?’ Read through the Word- I am not odd. I am not so different. Most of the stories in the Bible have people who leave their home countries, who aren’t near their families, who invest their life and all into a cause that God placed on their heart.

Now, before I proceed, hear this: I am not saying I am holy or amazing or even more special. What I am saying is that I am struggling with these issues. I am just a broken seeker, trying to follow God’s path for my life. Right now it is in Kosova; maybe next year I will be back in America- who knows!

But my issue is this: why, if we say we believe in the entire Word of God, don’t we live it out? Why don’t I give everything to know Him? To be known by Him? To use my life as a tool for others to know Him? Why don’t I wake up each morning, thinking not about me, but in prayer? How in the world did an entire nation of people come to a place where they think they are loving and following God, and yet they live each moment and second of their lives for their own gain, their own worth, and their own agendas?

I have reached a point in my life where you could offer me a mansion, the nicest of all cars, a stable job, or anything that the flesh could long for and I would honestly want to turn it down. Why? Not because I have walked those roads already, but merely because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that none of those things bring the richness I’ve found in life here. I am not saying I live in squalor- my house is pretty nice. I have amazing food. Good friends. And most days I am utterly happy. But compared to my life in the US, in regards to comforts, life here lacks severely! So, why stay? Because I know and I am convinced that life is about 3 things I mentioned earlier: knowing Him, being known by Him, and leading others to know Him. Right now, Kosova is where I have found myself driven to knowing Him in the most intimate of ways. Right now, I am finding it is the most beautiful thing to sit before Him and allow Him to search the depths of my heart. And right now, I am surrounded by thousands of people who don’t even have a clue who He is or that He loves them.

I am not saying you should pick up your feet and get on a plane and join me here (unless God has told you that). But what I am saying is this: are you seeking out suffering? Have you insulated your life with comforts and ease? Do you seek to know Him daily, be known by Him, and make Him known in your sphere of life? What fills your thoughts and heart?

God is waking up this world to His name and His renown; of this I am sure. Are you ready to be His witness? If you hesitate in answering that question, it may be time to do a bit of heart (and possession) surgery! I pray for you all, and I know each of you in the US has a journey in front of them that is more difficult to walk and live than mine. To follow Him wholeheartedly in a posh, prosperous place…now that is just about like a camel going through the eye of a needle! ;-)