When I was a little girl, life was pretty difficult, and I found myself living in survival mode most of the time. When one enters this place of simply making it through to the next day, the part of the heart that forms dreams and hopes somewhat dies. So, the fairytale daydreams that most little girls develop never captured my heart. However, a dark idol came to roost instead. Falling in love and getting married weren't dreams of mine, they somehow along the way became a picture of a savior to me. It wasn't "Prince Charming and Christina lived happily ever after," but rather more of a "if only I could be married, then..." Marriage and this elusive perfect man would right all wrongs and solve all problems! He would come and rescue me in every way I could imagine, and while outwardly I seemed content to be single and very independent, there was this unquenchable hunger to be found by him.
In case you didn't just read that and think: "that's a formula for a disaster," let me inform you: that's a formula for a huge disaster! And praise my Almighty Lord God that He didn't allow any such man to come along! There were snippets of wisdom that God used in massive ways to protect my foolish heart. There were men and women who spoke Truth into my life as I veered along life's path in a crazy pattern. And there were Scriptures that I clung to when I couldn't see or understand my Jesus' ways. Psalm 37:4 was one such passage.
The first time I recall meditating on these beautiful words was in high school. I couldn't figure out what it meant to be delighted in God. Step by step, I begged Him to teach my silly heart to find Him as my Treasure and to show me how to be fully satisfied and enraptured in Him alone. Later I began to examine what it meant to have "desires of your heart." Oh, I could see many people around me wanting temporal things that they would implore the Lord for, but watching as they quickly turned to dust in their hearts when they received them. There had to be something different meant by those words! Slowly over time, I began to understand that being delighted in Him means that He defines what those desires in my heart are, and that He is a GOOD Father! To be delighted in God means to be content in His presence. To find rest and joy in Him, not what He gives.
As you can imagine, this journey had dramatic influence upon my searching for "the man who would come rescue me." God became that Man to me in every sense: my Savior, my Rescuer, my Friend, my Beloved, and the One my heart found its fullest delight in. I don't know how to fully describe that feeling for you, but I'll just say this last two years of being homeless, moving every few weeks, volunteering in refugee camps, and being unemployed has been some of the richest times I've ever felt because He became more than just enough for me. He became my sole delight.
Please don't read the next section of what I'm writing as a sequel following that lesson of contentment, as if what I learned from God unlocked some formula to bring a man into my life! That isn't how God works, and that isn't at all what I mean...
God crossed my path with Matt on May 22, 2011 :) He came to my city in Kosovo, and we went out for coffee to debrief about some things. This blue-eyed South African guy became a good friend of mine in the months (and later years) that followed. We connected over loving the Lord, reading biographies, laughing together, exploring the outdoors, talking about monkeys, and other such things. But, because my heart was searching for a fictional super-rescuer-type-dude, Matt only ever was seen as my friend. I know that our sins don't thwart the plans of our Big God, and I can see all the ways that Matt and I needed to grow up over the next six years, but it is a bit funny how aimlessly my restless heart was searching for something that was indeed right in front of me! It wasn't until God helped me to be fully delighted in Him that I was able to see that Matt was exactly the man I was needing- loving, gentle, patient, forgiving, and an extremely humble leader.
I would never have seen Matt as more than a friend if God hadn't first shattered my silly idol, if He hadn't taught my heart to be fully delighted in Him. I am thirty-three years old. Most people categorize that as old to be getting married, but God knows best, and I couldn't be more thankful for my single years and more excited about the adventure that lays ahead. Praise God that He continuously pursues my heart even now to be delighted solely in Him and that He continues to reveal to me the beautiful desires He's placed within me (and how He fulfills them all). Here's to the next season of life and the beauty found therein!
1 comment:
My dear Christina,
As someone who has known you since you were a little curly-haired toddler, who somehow even then had God's hand upon you in a way that could be seen and felt, I am so happy to see that God has brought you and Matthew together. I am excited to see how you two serve God together somewhere in the world, and with the love and joy you both have in serving Him and loving each other. You and your siblings are so, so dear to those of us who have known you since childhood, and loved your mother through those years, as well. You are such a testimony, and a witness, to how God can, and does, bring you through the fire and into the exact place He has for you. I can't wait to see what lies ahead for the two of you as you serve together with such open hearts and such love for Him and for each other!
Hugs! Marjie
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