Uncompromising Pursuit

I was twenty-one when I 'fell in love' for the first time. We were working at a summer camp together, and it was one of the funnest times of my life. He had so many of the characteristics I'd always dreamed of one day marrying a guy with. But there was one thing that really bothered me throughout the summer and even spurred me on to tell him no to dating as the summer drew to a close. I was very imperfect in my relationship with God, I still very much so am, but it was a deep passion of mine to be known by Him, to press on to know Him, and to make Him known. I tried to spend time with Him daily, I tried to spend time in prayer, I tried to talk about Him often, etc. As broken as I was, I wanted to fight hard to pursue Him. He was my Treasure! This guy I liked sort of was all those things, but it wasn't his primary focus. He was a more 'go-with-the-flow' Christian, not a fighter or pursuer. Though I was young and blinded by love, I did recognize this was a problem. So, I went to the Lord in prayer over it. I knew He'd brought this guy to me for some reason, and I was hoping it was marriage. My prayer went something like this: "Okay God, I know that this guy is perfect for me in so many ways. I really like him! But I feel a bit unequally yoked with him regarding loving and following You. Maybe I can just back off a bit and wait for him to catch up to me. I mean, spiritually the guy is supposed to lead, right? So, if I just don't climb any higher right now, then he can be able to lead eventually. Is that what You're wanting me to do?"

There wasn't an audible voice that spoke to me, but I remember it as vividly as if there had been. God told me NO. He told me that I should NEVER sacrifice my love and desire for Him for anything in this world, even when it looks like a good thing. That my purpose in life is to pursue hard after Him. Anything that calls me to compromise this is not a good thing and should be let go of. So, I sacrificed 'my Isaac' on the altar before the Lord, and He didn't raise him from the dead... and looking at my life and this guy's life now, I am forever grateful He didn't. There have been a few other 'Isaacs' sacrificed through the years. Each one extremely pain-filled, but always I could look back with a grateful heart that God stripped them away.

This morning I received an email from a guy friend who got married a few years back. We'd struggled through being single missionaries on the same field years ago, and he understands the difficulty of this. He closed his email to me with a line that flashed me back to being twenty-one: "I pray God brings you a man worthy of your company and spiritual capacity." More than anyone else, I am very aware that my spiritual capacity is small, and that I am a wretched mess of sin and idolatry! But my desire for and pursuit of the Lord is strong. And so I sit at the age of thirty-two still single, bound and determined to never fall into compromise... having watched too many friends do so throughout the years. Yes, I eagerly want to be married, but I wouldn't trade my life for theirs of backslidden complacency. I'm glad eleven years ago God told me a loud and strong NO!

I have a lot of single friends. It's been hard to personally go through singleness, but for some reason it's even harder for me to watch them face it. I hate the loneliness they feel. I hate the doubts that arise. I hate the lies that circle in their heads. I hate the temptations that come. I want so much to take it all away! But the One who can doesn't, and He doesn't slacken His standard of uncompromising devotion to Him. He continuously calls them to climb higher and swim deeper into the vastness of Him, not beholding the fact that there is no one of the opposite sex around doing the same thing. He calls us all to trust Him. To rely on Him. To give whatever is in our hands over to Him, letting go so that we can embrace what is better: Himself. Maybe one day I (and they) will marry- who knows, but I want to walk down that aisle knowing that He is still my everything and I am getting more of Him through this union. If not, I'll still have a Wedding some day... and for sure I will get more of Him there, because He'll be the One waiting for me with His hand outstretched for mine!