FREEDOM!

I recently was reading something a mother had written about her young son. He was often frustrated about 'unfairness' and as a result pouted quite a bit. She was talking about how his sweet heart was molded and shaped for justice and things happening in an upright, honest way. And while he often sat on the sidelines being discouraged, she was trying to remember that it's hearts like that that change the world, that buck the systems of inequality and injustice, that fight for causes that are bigger than themselves, and aren't content to sit by while wrong happens to others. I love this perspective!

I've known quite a number of such children, and I've never thought about it like this.. Okay, okay- so, I was said child! I would rage inside when something unfair would happen around me (usually, in my childish selfishness, it was against me). I would mope, sit on the sidelines to 'teach others their lesson' for being unfair, and many other things that one shouldn't admit to on a public blog! But now that I'm old (yes, people, I am getting there!), I can see how that heart is the same heart I have now.. just with a lot of refining and shaping  by my sweet Abba!

Nothing makes me more angry than injustice! Whether it's done by someone to themselves; in selling themselves short and settling for merely existing or surviving. Whether it's the exploitation of a child for someone else's sick 'pleasures'. Whether it's not tapping into the freedom, life, joy, fullness, love, hope, peace, etc. that Christ offers you at the foot of the cross. Whether it's abuse, living in shame or guilt, being paralyzed by fear, or whatever.. I get angry. And when I say angry, I mean my heart rages! Most people never see this side of me, because God has taught me much in taking this pain, anger, grief, sorrow, and frustration to Him and leaving it at the foot of the cross- trusting, hoping, and waiting for Him to move in His timing and His way. But it's still very much inside me each day. I feel the weight of it daily. I am and probably always will be a fighter. Recently I can't get this scene from Braveheart out of my heart and mind:

I think of people who spent their all, bled, suffered, and died for causes (the ones who did it for Christ stand out most to me). We love these stories, we long to be people like them! William Wilberforce, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Stephen, and I could go on and on.. But even though the fight in me is strong, my daily prayer is for Him to refine it. For it to not be about me and my agenda. For it to not be in my plans or timing. For it to center and rest solely on the power and glory of Him who alone is worthy. So, I find myself internally screaming: "FREEDOM!!" these days, but the Lord says, so sweet and gentle, "Wait upon Me." In the past I was too busy rushing into the battle to hear that. But I'm learning! And if I'm learning this, well then, I'd say there's definitely hope for us all!

Surprises from God

I have an intense personality- lots of thinking transpires inside my little head (ha). I love to figure out stuff, discern things, and utilize wisdom. Sometimes really great.. sometimes not so much! The not so much part is due to mixing what has been a gift from God, to be used for His kingdom and glory, with sin; namely for me it would be either pride or fear. When discernment gets mixed with pride, it results in trying to attain the praise and glory of man for how 'wise' or smart I am. Horrific things happen when I find myself on the throne of my heart! People around me, usually the ones I love most, are hurt. It's all around messy and disgusting! I probably could write another post on another day about such sins and atrocities found in my heart.. However, the thought for today is mixing my God-given gift of discernment with fear. Control. Manipulation. Not waiting. And other ugly stuff is what erupts from this.

I think often of the story of Abraham. The promise of Isaac had been given; such a seemingly impossible thing! And yet he trusted.. for years he trusted (more than I can usually say for myself). But Sarah and Abraham began to think and talk and use human wisdom and logic to tackle the problem of no son coming. A messy situation was born; not one that God didn't redeem and use for His glory, though. But if you read closely in the passage, you can see and feel the fear. The 'what-if's'. The doubts. Lack of trust.

I'm not really a person that does well with surprises. I like to know things beforehand and be able to be prepared and plan accordingly. I struggle to trust others. I approach life the same way. Okay, God said this, promised this, or has led me in this way in the past. So, logically I can deduce that this is what He's planning to do with my future, and He's going to shape me in this way, we're going to go here, do this, and blah blah blah.. on and on my mind runs and goes! When my brain actually stops for a minute, sadness creeps in. How and why do I feel the need to 'one up' God? To figure things out before He reveals it to me? To 'help' Him out in my life? It's fear. It's a lack of trust. It's a doubt that He's really, truly good. And it results in weary-carrying-of-burdens-that-aren't-mine-to-carry.

So, this season of life has been one of attempted rest. One of trying to sit at the back of the boat with the One who's the only One on board capable of calming the raging storm, not rushing about in meaningless, wearisome activity. A season of deep trust. Of trying to learn to enjoy and love surprises- especially ones from my sweet Abba.

Precious Father, You most certainly are good! Forgive my doubts, lack of trust, and constant companionship with fear. You will never give me a stone or a snake when I'm needing a bread or fish! You enjoy my simple delight in Your gifts after waiting upon You. It's a beautiful thing! Help me to remember this day in and day out. May I not pick up heavy burdens that were and are never mine to carry. Teach me patience and trust. My heart is Yours and Yours alone! Amen