A year has slipped past since my last post, and the hilarious part of it all is that what drew me back to write on here was a topic I'd already written about (and forgot): waiting! How I've come to have such a love hate relationship with that word and topic!
This morning, with said topic heavy on my heart, my thoughts were flung back to Scripture as I battled and wrestled with discontentment in life and weighty doubts. Who else waited that I want to learn from? HA.. oh, just about only everyone that's written about on those pages!! But the two instances that strike me the most are Abraham and the story of the Exodus with Moses.
Abraham, you baffle me! How does someone wait upon the Lord for the impossible for so many years? Well, the reality and truth is that he didn't do so great of a job.. enter Hagar and Ishmael and a BIG mess. But placing myself in the mentioned situation- hmm, well, we maybe don't even want to go there! How many 'trusting-in-my-flesh-and-eyes-can-see' messes Christina could come up with?! I mean, look at my own life story, which can in no way compare with Abraham's lot (no pun intended- haha), and it has been marked with many 'Hagars' which produced messy 'Ishmaels' throughout!
As I pray through and meditate on his life and story, I must pause to ask many why questions. Why would God want Abraham to wait so long? Why didn't He just provide the son He'd promised? Why must I always wait, wait, wait, God..?! Oh, oops- I got sidetracked from Abraham and started throwing a small temper tantrum.. excuse that!
I think the answers to my why questions about Abraham can be seen in the story of God calling His people out of Egypt and into Canaan. I've wrestled much with this story too.. On close examination of a map, from the get-go God took them the long way through the desert! The actual journey from Egypt to Canaan wasn't that long. It wasn't that hard. It wasn't as rough as it originally became. So, enter my many why questions again! As I searched and yelled (the yelling was due to relating it personally) and finally prayed, God showed me something. The truth is that this 'something' is always the 'something' He's interested in. The Israelite's hearts! Examine the story closely. God reveals their hearts with His leading them the long way. Bitterness, grumbling, complaining, deceit, wickedness, and so much other junk had taken root and infested His people. With such a heart, there would be no way for them to enjoy and worship Him for the blessings of the Promise Land. So, He took them PURPOSELY out to the desert to refine, to strip, to lay bare their hearts for their ultimate joy. Have you ever seen a spoiled little kid get an expensive gift and despise it and throw a temper tantrum? Why? Because of a wicked heart they don't know how to appreciate and find joy in that moment or item.
Back to Abraham.. He had some trust issues. Stories of him giving away his wife to save his life ring in my head. And while the dude was way up on me and you, God saw his heart and knew that should He provide Isaac immediately it wouldn't be best. Best for Abraham and His plan and glory. So He said wait to Abraham, to David, to Hannah, to Joseph, to Mary, and the massive list goes on (see the end of Hebrews 11- most didn't even receive what they'd been promised and were waiting on.. blows my noggin!). And I guess I loathe the waiting because it refines my heart, it puts me in the fire, and it exposes what I like to pretend isn't there. Thus the hate part in this relationship. But it also brings about great joy; which is my heart's deep pursuit. It brings forth trust in Him and His people. And ultimately it creates a worshipper's heart that is about God's glory and not my own. So, even though I do complain.. I can't and shouldn't in light of this knowledge!
Oh sweet El Roi, You are the highest prize! And I would wait a lifetime to gain that great pearl. How quickly my words and head agree to such things, but often how far my heart is from that! Make them align to serve You faithfully; especially in the waiting and hoping periods. Give me eyes to see the eternal and how to make that my treasure. Give me patience and faithfulness. May the messes I make be minimal and less and less as I grow. Help me, oh please help me, for all these things are well beyond my small abilities, but so very worth pursuing!
