Weakness

There are many wonderful verses in God's Word about weaknesses. I've heard them all my life; even memorized a great many of them. But if the truth be told, I don't have a clue what most of them mean. Logically, I can form the equation and make it make sense in my mind. But going deeper than that, truly laying the Scripture over my heart and own life, I don't get them.

You see, I'm a very strong person- stubborn, proud, independent, controlling, perserverant, a fighter...whatever flavor you want it to have. These traits have progressed from possessing a sin nature, remnants of the life I've had, and just the personality God created me with. Ever since I can recall, if there was something I was passionate about or put my heart to pursue, I'd do everything in my power to fight to achieve or win the battle for whatever it was. Example (not me boasting, but rather displaying my own stupidity): my senior year in college. I was determined (for personal, but mainly scholarship reasons) to finish university in 4 years. I took 27 hours (the normal limit is 18) my last semester, taught preschool, was a Resident Assistant to a hall of girls, co-lead a home group at my church, and was the leader of the Habitat for Humanity group on campus... My average night's sleep was around 4 hours, and by the end of all that I crashed. But I was proud of myself- I'd done what I'd set out to do... And life has always been looked at like this for me, through these black and white lenses. If you feel God placing a burden on your heart, go, give it all you have, and don't pay attention to the pain! And so I went, three years ago, to Kosovo with this mindset... what ensued was what has brought me to the broken, more humbled state I'm at today.

I boarded a plan bound for Holland for two weeks of training with a severe stomach virus. The sickness persisted the entire two weeks there and continued (being added to with a nice addition of bronchitis and laryngitis) on into my second two weeks of training in Albania. I lost so much weight, couldn't talk, barely could climb the stairs to where our meetings were being held, or even open a bottle of water. I was utterly pathetic! The mission organization I'd joined had a staff meeting as to whether they thought they should send me home or not (after I'd gotten up to share my testimony and just stood there weeping). Not really someone you'd want on your field, huh? And through the tears and questioning, all God would tell me was this: 'Your outside illnesses are going to match your inside heart issues until you deal with them!' You see, I'd not only boarded a plane to go somewhere, I also boarded a plane to leave somewhere. I was leaving my mom who was about to have a dangerous surgery that the doctors didn't expect her to live through, a brother who was getting married soon, and a whole slew of other things... Going to an unknown place, not knowing a soul in that part of the world. And I was 'okay'- I decided I'd face these things as they came and ignore them in the meanwhile.

I eventually did get better from those awful bugs and illnesses, but that time in training foreshadowed my next three years. God laid me flat! I can probably go back through all those years and take you month by month to huge, painful happenings that knocked me to my knees. I often put it like this in my journal: 'I feel like I stand up, only to have You knock me down again.' And not just certain situations, but it felt like nothing was in my power or reach to achieve. Example: it's always been a dream of mine to be fluent in another language. Now was my chance! I was sooo excited. I started to catch on quick; picking up phrases and words. People even told me I had a perfect accent and if I would stay longer my Albanian would be flawless... In spite of fighting with all my strength for two years to fully learn the language, it didn't happen. Crazy circumstances that were just downright absurd happened instead, and at the end of three years I felt so stupid and like a failure. Or another example: it's also been another dream of mine to have a house that I could decorate and be excited to live in. When I came back home to the US to raise more support, after living there one year, I spent a lot of time finding bargains on light weight things to fill another suitcase with to take back. I'd originally gone over with only one suitcase. Taking two back this time wasn't too much to ask, right? After all, all the other people I'd been working with had brought like 37 crates or even shipped a huge container... In Paris the flight crew wouldn't let me even try to pay to take it- it had to stay in Paris. My friend tried to ship me the stuff, but one box never made it and the other was in a plastic bag with most of the things missing. That blow felt huge- why can someone bring an entire household of things over, and God doesn't allow my one measly suitcase to make it?!?

These are merely two examples of dozens of ridiculous things that happened during the past few years. And it all left me a bit bitter and questioning God last winter. The last straw was water running down the walls of my bedroom (newly painted, nonetheless) and freezing. It was mainly only doing this in my bedroom... I can't express the pain and death I felt inside me at that moment. My failures and shortcomings during my time on the mission field weren't because I wasn't strong or smart enough- it was because Someone had allowed them to come, and I needed to fail! That left me a bit angry and unsettled, asking a lot of questions that began with: 'why...' Through a medical crisis, I ended up back home, going to counseling. During this time God began to remove the blindfold from my eyes.

It's too long to detail all the lessons and things God has revealed to me during the past months of healing and processing. But those verses are beginning to make sense. God didn't take me overseas to become fluent in a language or make a perfect home or be a part of His salvation to millions- He took me there to mold me, shape me to be more like Him, and yes, break me. Break me of my own strength, my independence, my pride, my idol of success... And He's been teaching me to rest, to be still, to quite striving, to release control, and just trust (Him mostly, but also others). It's been a long process, and I'm still quite in the midst of it all. But the verse hanging over my bed, that used to haunt my heart, is becoming my refuge:

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

- II Corinthians 12:9

Flash Back: Feb 3, 2009

Found this while going through old files on my computer (this was 6 months after leaving the US)...

My heart hasn’t been in journaling lately, so I thought I’d try pouring out my heart on here and see if that helps me. I do have much to write about; so much has gone on in my heart and in my life as of late. Honestly, I am angry on the inside most of the time lately. Today I was reading through Romans 12 trying to discover the root of my problem. I think I found it: me and my own foolish pride. I know that sounds simple, but really it is the problem.

I came here to Kosove thinking one thing; my ministry was going to be this and that and not this or that. Well, I got here and nothing has been like planned. I find myself feeling trapped in a place and expected to do things I don’t want to. The story of someone at my conference in Holland keeps coming back to my mind. He joined my organization thinking he’d learned so much and done so much already in life; he had much to offer. Well, he got put in the kitchen peeling potatoes and washing dishes- hardly anything fit for one of his expertise. I sort of laughed the story off back then, but now it rings true. I have been through Bible school, have a degree in Psych, been raised in the church, had oodles of experience working with children, etc. And yet here I am: assisting in an Art class, speaking words that I am told to speak to give them a proper accent in an English class, leading the motions for songs for the children’s meeting, sitting in on a girl’s meeting- not knowing what questions they are asking or what is being said, and sitting alone in the library for 4 hours once a week. Hardly worth me coming all the way to Kosove for, right? Well, that is the root of my heart problem: why am I here? Anyone can do the things I am doing. There is no creativity, no real heart involvement, no making any decisions or choices on my own. So, due to that root problem, another one arises. Why in the world am I putting myself through sheer torture of being here and being a part of this team if I am not being effective? That menial amount of ministry isn’t worth the painfulness of all the rest. But as I met with You today, I heard You say: 'maybe ministry isn’t the important thing in your life right now.' So, I guess I am in training right now...


Guess I was! Looking back, it provided a good foundation of humility for all that laid ahead next. The story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with the little boy's lunch rings so true of my heart during this time. The little boy gave all he had, and then watched as Jesus turned away...and broke it all into pieces! How he must have felt. He'd given everything as a blessing to the Great Teacher, the Master he'd traveled miles to see. And his gift, his offering was seemingly treated with disdain. But the thing unknown was that that gift, that offering was being broken to be multiplied- to bless and feed many. 


How often that is our lives. We give them to God as an offering. But we give them with some expectations or hopes attached. We have our dreams and plans, often unbeknownst to us even. But then things often get uncomfortable, hard, or even painful. And we wonder how God could take that gift, everything we humanly possess, and break it or abuse it. But God isn't just after the temporary; for that moment. He's after our ultimate good and His glory... and to achieve that often takes brokenness and pain.


In some ways I find myself here again- in a painful season of life; wondering what in the world God's doing with 'my gift'... And yet the truth of this lesson (accompanied by the hundred others learned while overseas) provides patience, trust, and joy in the middle of difficult circumstances.


Guess I'm in training right now... again :)


(sometimes blogging makes me want to throw my computer across the room- I just spent 20 mins trying to get the font to all look the same...and now I'm done cos I'm done, not cos it looks any better...Boo!)

Reentry

It's been 2 months since I posted! That's surprising for this blog...however, not so much for where I'm at in life. There's so much to say, and yet nothing at all. These past months have been spent seeing family, doing random things for cash, looking for a job, praying a lot, and trying to follow Him towards what's next. The hardest part has been feeling young, 'just out of college' again... Only back then I had a big dream (to move overseas), and now I have a shattered dream (great book: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb). It's not at all a bad place to be; just rough. And it makes searching out God's heart and His dream a bit more difficult, and me a bit more hesitant. It's just a season, though- that's my motto at the moment! A season to be learned from. A season to be treasured, as hard as that is. A season to be well spent. A season to share with others- now and one day with maybe a deeper wisdom.

So, as I struggle to believe that all the things from the past 3 years were true and really, indeed happened. As I wrestle with not being able to look through any pictures of friends and kids I worked with. As I weep over what was and no longer is. As I remember the hard lessons God taught and who I am because of that. As I try not to block it all out cos it doesn't fit in with society here so well, and I often feel different and awkward... God is here! He was here 4 years ago. He knew these moments before they even began. He's outside of time. And He's in tomorrow- even though I have no clue what will transpire then!

Trust... Guess that would be the one word I could sum up this reentry process in. Do you trust Me? Do you entrust yourself, your doubts, your fears, your failures, your pains, your joys, your triumphs, your anxieties... to Me? Do you believe I'm after your good? Do you believe that I'm loving? Will you let your heart be held fully by Me...whatever comes? Trust!

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, BUT you would have none of it.'"
-Isaiah 30:15 (my cling-to verse during these past weeks)

The choices before and after this passage were walling yourself in or fleeing- I've been guilty of both. But what freedom I've found in repenting, resting, being still and quiet, and simply trusting! :)