i'm in love...

-a blog on singleness-

We've all had it happen. You spot a potential one. You know, a Candidate. Someone who might be on your list- hasn't been ruled out but also is only in the observing phase. *GASP* They could be...the one! But you don't know yet. So, you find yourself in this place of watching, waiting, wondering, willing God to grant this to you...maybe. Been there? Hm, well, I have (more times that I care to share!) and I found myself there, once again, this past weekend at church. Only this time it wasn't avoidable: he was on stage; leading worship.

Here's how my thought process went:

-song 1-

'Okay God, I came here to worship You, but my mind isn't concentrated on the words of this song and my eyes keep drifting in the direction of Stage Left.. for some reason. Maybe I just won't sing if my heart can't fully follow or love You through these words...'

-sermon on idolatry-

(yes, that was an OUCH)

-song 2-

'I'm just going to close my eyes and listen to these words. Less distractions...'

-song 3-

'What in the world?!?! Here I am standing before You and my heart is elevating something (it was the something of a potential relationship; really having nothing to do with the guy whatsoever) that is empty and worthless! I have the opportunity to be romanticized by the God who made the moon at this very moment (yes, this was my thought) and I'm settling for thinking about a thing that will never come to be. I keep glancing in his direction- for what?? The One who has created, fashioned, knit, and orchestrated EVERY beautiful thing I've ever beheld is HERE with me! I have the chance to be sold out, passionate, worshipful, and utterly IN LOVE at this very moment and I'm not. What an idiot!'

-song 4-

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

(by Hillsong United)

It was hard to be single while I was overseas because it was enormously lonely. But coming back Stateside produces a whole new challenge. There is almost this floating, overwhelming, consuming expectation from nearly everyone that I at least be looking, searching, or trying to find someone. It goes against all that I find is Biblical: contentment, trust in God's provision and grace, peace... And it feels suffocating! There's not a doubt that I would love to get married. But the truth is that I'm already in love (see above) and mostly that interferes with this imposing expectation from others. It doesn't have to, and most likely won't someday, but for now, and the guys surrounding me, it does. Which I'm more than okay with!

I don't know where you're at today or what you're facing, but let me just remind you of something I find mind boggling:

The Maker, Keeper, and Sustainer of the moon looks deep into your heart and loves you. I mean, really loves you- more than any guy/girl can or will. And if you go outside this evening, I guarantee He's going to paint a sunset for you and wait for you to light up and soak it all in. And as you go to sleep tonight, I promise He'll be there, arms surrounding you, gently singing a love song over your soul. What more could your romantic heart ever want??

And yes, the moon shone brightly, peeping into my soul, guiding my entire way home that night. And has continued to tap against my windowpane each night as I drift off to sleep...

WHAT A LOVER