All Alone!

Holland 2008

"All alone! Whether you like it or not, 

alone is something you'll be quite a lot!" 

-Dr. Suess

Loneliness is hard. It feels ugly, because we are created to be in relationship with others. Sin affects that a lot! We hurt other people, they hurt us, we grow up in broken homes, fear keeps us from stepping out, we lose someone we love, others wall us out, and so many other scenarios. I've spent a lot of my life being alone, and even when I'm not physically alone I often still feel alone inside. (Fun how that works, huh?) I wouldn't say I'm any sort of expert on loneliness, but I do have some thoughts...

Though the media paints alone-ness as one of the worst things that can happen to a person, being alone isn't all bad. Some of my most inspired thoughts came out of periods of being alone with the Lord. I've learned to treasure friendships and family all the more, because I know what it's like to not have them in my life. God has a special place in His heart for lonely people (Psalm 68:6- "God sets the lonely in families..." and oodles of verses on the widow and orphan), so being alone provides a beautiful backdrop to see God moving and providing in our lives.

But the truth be told, I hate the word, and I feel so sad for people who must go through life solo. This last season of life has involved a lot of isolation and instability in the relational department as I've moved around a lot. So, Netflix has become a good friend, as has the Internet, and seeking pseudo friendships through social media. But the reality is that all those make you feel worse, if we're being honest... And at the end of the day, we go to bed hating that no one wrote us an message back, that the movie seemed boring because no one was there to laugh or cry with, or that you can't recall any of the things you watched on Youtube. It's a pursuit of emptiness, a chasing after the wind, and I'm tired of being really bad at this whole loneliness thing!

This world is full of adventures, of knowledge and skills to be gained, of people to bless, of a God to fall in love with, and oodles of other things. I don't have a husband I have to spend time with, or children to feed, or a dog to walk, or a house to clean... I'm free to pursue lots of crazy things, if I can only convince my heart to no longer chase after empty cisterns that don't satisfy. So, here's to taking steps toward valuing and treasuring our loneliness!

I Wish I Was in Aleppo

The world watches as the fight between the Syrian Army (and Russia) and the rebel forces for Aleppo nears an end. The news is filled with stories that have been leaked out through various sources onsite (BBC, CNN, FOX, etc.), but it's hard to know what exactly is happening. Quotes like this one give glimpses: "the UN children's agency cited a doctor as saying a building housing as many as 100 unaccompanied children was under heavy attack." (from the BBC article) Bodies fill the streets, soldiers are going door to door and massacring everyone, and places where the weak and vulnerable congregate (like hospitals) are being targeted. Apart from scenes I've viewed in films, I can't picture this... 

The stench of death filling the air, along with gun powder and charred rubble. Weeping and wailing until that too is silenced. Laughter as hardened soldiers, tired of fighting and brainwashed by war, seek to annihilate their victims and claim victory. Women being raped openly in the streets as a sign of public humiliation and domination. Children dangling from ropes wrapped around their necks, as a warning that there will be no next generation for their enemies. I've seen enough pictures and heard enough firsthand stories to fill in the gaps of what isn't being said in the news. 

This morning I woke up after sleeping in a warm bed, in cozy room, in a safe house. I ate fresh food for breakfast as I sat in a quiet kitchen. I checked my email and social media with my fast internet access... And I felt sick in my heart! I didn't want to read anything more about Aleppo or Syria or the refugee crisis. I don't want to know, because I feel powerless sitting here in America where life is easy, comfortable, and free. I'd so much rather be in a refugee camp, sitting in that house with the 100 unaccompanied children, or doing something! I want to enter in, I want to sit with people, I want to share in their suffering, I want to offer them Love, Life, and Hope! But here feels like nothing...

And that's the lie I'm believing. Here is something. Here is a prayer to the Almighty God of the universe who is there, who is 'El Roi'- the God who sees, who is entering in, who is powerful, who is love, and who cares. Here is building awareness by sharing the emotions I have as I thrash about trying to make sense of this world. Here is celebrating Immanuel, the example we all have to enter the fray. Here is rest, being filled up again, and gaining skills and perspective to be better equipped. Here is right where God has me for this season.

"Arise, cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night watches! 

Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord! 

Lift your hands to Him for the lives of your children, 

who faint for hunger at the head of every street." 

Lamentations 2:19

Jehovah Jireh

One of my all time favorite men from days past is George Mueller. What incredible faith he had! Through his incredible petitions of God, he fully funded five orphanages and countless other ministries in the countryside of England. His vow to the Lord was to never ask a man to meet his need, but rather pray and wait for the Him to provide. Absurd things happened, such as having no food in the house for breakfast for the orphans, but sitting down to pray anyway, and then the milk truck would break down outside or the bread man would have too many loaves. Mr. Mueller kept a detailed journal of all the money the Lord brought in throughout the years, and it is crazy the ways how God delighted in providing for His servant.

I was in college when I first read his biography, and my first response was that George was superhuman and experienced a level of faith that I'd never be able to tap in to. God brought him back into my life every few months through random ways, but each time something was chipped away a bit in my thoughts regarding Mr. Mueller. The more I studied him, the more I saw how big our God is that we serve! And the more I saw God in this light, the more I realized that God wants to be seen for who He truly is by how we live our lives.

In 2008 I moved overseas and experienced my first encounter with really, truly needing God. You see, I come from America. When I was sick, I went to the doctor. When I needed to talk, I called up a friend. When I needed money, I found a job. Many of those things weren't perfect or even easy, but I had the means to take care of myself. In Kosovo, I had nothing but God. When I was sick, I prayed. When I needed to talk, I prayed. When I needed money, I prayed. Everything needed to be met with prayer, because I was powerless to help myself! But my flesh hated, hated, hated this. I wanted to take care of myself, so I fought against dependency on the Lord.

A lot of life has happened since then, and God has continued to chip away at my independent nature. When I quit my job a year ago, I felt God speaking to my heart that it was time to live like Mueller. You can imagine my skepticism and reluctancy there, but I plunged forward in faith. I've been utterly humbled at how God has swooped me up on His wings of care and provided intimately for every step of the way. I want to share a bit of that with y'all, not because my faith is strong, but because it is so weak, and God still works through my feeble prayers.

Every year my church selects organizations and individuals to bless with a monetary donation at Christmas time- last year I surprisingly received enough money to help pay for a flight to Serbia. A friend offered to help pay for a plane ticket to Dubai if I went and visited our mutual friend. A few other plane tickets were paid for by money coming in to help refugee ministry. Friends sent money through Paypal so I could help some Syrian friends that were struggling in the camps. Another friend sent a few hundred dollars to help with travel expenses. God brought three families to my doorstep that needed a nanny, which supplied just enough to pay the rest of my tickets. Another friend felt led to send some money, which has helped cover medical expenses. Last week alone I received close to $800 through some work that God provided and friends whose hearts were stirred to give. Yesterday someone noticed my windshield wiper was breaking, so they handed me $20 to fix it. And today I was out walking and spotted $20 laying in the rain-covered grass. 

I want to emphasize that all these things did not come to being because I said a word to anyone in hope of them meeting my need or raised support in any way. I prayed, and God heard from heaven and answered. I am not living in luxury, but every single one of my needs has been met in His timing and in His way. These are just a few of the countless ways I've been now in tune with God's hand working these days. The God we serve is so big, and He so much longs for us to be dependent on Him. Not finding ways to not need Him or anyone else, like American culture teaches us, but delighting in His love and care. It's a bit scary at times, and I'm often freaking out... But He need not take me too far back to see how He unquestionably is providing and carrying me, His precious daughter He delights in.

Do you believe these verses?

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6

I Know God Loves Me, Because I'm Single

I can't say that I've heard anyone say the words I titled this blog... ever! The truth of the matter is that it goes countercultural to most every society I've witnessed, perhaps even contrary to human nature? The more likely scenario is: "I know God loves me, because He brought me this amazing spouse and kids!" Now that is what I see, hear, and experience on a daily basis.

I think in most hearts and minds there is an innate desire to be married- to be known intimately and loved. So, singleness seems like a disease that someone would never choose unless they'd been hurt and wanted to hide away. To be honest, most ounces of my being hate singleness, for myself and for others. It's lonely. It's unstable. It's awkward. It's fearful. And the list can go on! But countless millions of people find themselves in those shoes. Did we get forgotten when God gave out His gifts of love and goodness to people? Have I been left behind or robbed of something? My mind would've told you 'no' to both of those questions, but the reality I've spent my life living is that my heart believes 'yes' to both of them. Oh, I can conjure up the benefits of singleness like anyone can, but on the lonely, tearful days that come often, those words bring no consolation to my railings against the Lord. Why am I single?

You know, I don't fully know the answer to that question, but what I do know is that my heart is shifting as I try to respond to answering it. What do I know about the Lord? He is good- ALWAYS, He loves me, He promises to never abandon, forsake, or forget me, He has a beautiful plan and purpose for my life, and I am His beloved daughter. What do I know about me? I am His image bearer, I've been bought with a great price, Jesus lives inside me, I've been redeemed to be in the business of reconciliation, and there are unique ways that God has wired me to enter into the fray. For the past 32 years and the foreseeable future singleness corresponds to each and every one of those things! It does NOT negate them. I'm not leftover goods, I'm not to spend my life waiting for someone to come help me achieve my purpose, I'm not forgotten or discarded!

Singleness isn't a disease that needs to be cured. It's is a beautiful thing that is to be rejoiced in! It saddens me that the Church doesn't teach this. That God, in His infinite wisdom and sovereignty, looked down on my life and developed a PERFECT plan: "She will be single, and it is good."

My life is flooded with opportunities that married people cannot easily act upon: I can stay overnight to watch kids when someone is hospitalized, I can pack up and travel the world at a moment's notice, I can use the desires I have to help others with their realities: planting gardens, cleaning their house, watching their babies, painting rooms, cooking meals, etc. I'm free to enter into the chaos of others because I don't have the obligations many have. And in doing so, I get to model Jesus as He entered in, loved, and gave of Himself.

There's always been a thought at the back of my mind since I was in high school babysitting and cleaning house for people around me: "When I reach this place in life, I sure hope God brings a 'me' to minister to my needs in the craziness of life!" For the last 15 years that thought has circled in my brain as I've done various acts of service, until today when I put a stop to it. I get to be that person over and over and over, not just waiting for it to be my turn to reap the harvest of what I invested, but because He allows me to be a tangible representation of His love over and over and over. There's never a place where we 'arrive' and get to stop blessing others and wait for them to bless you.

If you're single and reading this: stop waiting, stop believing you've been gypped, stop thinking the grass is greener! You have a beautiful life that God perfectly ordained for you down the most minute details. He planned your singleness for His glory and your good- are you living out and believing that truth?

If you're married reading this: don't assume something is wrong with your friends because they are single, rejoice with them in the wonderful things they have and can be (just like how they came to your wedding/baby shower and rejoiced with you), and give them a big hug! God created His Body to be multi-facitated. When we work together in community, loving and serving one another where we're at, God is honored and represented in a powerful way to this world!

So, here's to being single and
all the joys that come with it!