Leaving Eastern Europe

When I started out this year, I never dreamed that most of it would be spent on a different continent than I was currently residing. Once you've called another place home, it's hard to not miss it whenever you leave there. Eastern Europe was my home for three years in what had felt like a previous lifetime as I spent the past four years back in my hometown. A distant memory in so many ways. So many skills learned that had no merit upon my life in the US. A language spoken that could only be used in a minuscule pocket of the world. Friends from all over the planet that I thought I'd never see again this side of heaven. And then, all the sudden, here I was, back in this place in a way that felt incredibly surreal.

Suddenly part of me that had felt dead rose up inside of me again. I was home! I grinned whenever little men on tractors crawled past me on busy roads. Tears sprung to my eyes as I walked among the foothills of the rugged mountains. My heart felt warmed by the sight of communist block style housing and unfinished buildings dotting the landscape. I even (sort of) welcomed being stared at everywhere I went, because it meant I was back in these closed countries.

People think I'm absurd, traveling around to these places that most people never want to step foot into. Things are so backwards, so corrupt, so difficult, and so crazy on so many levels here. But to me, all I can respond with is that I love each country, because I've fallen in love with so many people in each location. Yes, I know that Greece doesn't like Macedonia, and that Macedonia doesn't like Kosovo, and that Kosovo doesn't like Serbia, and that Serbia doesn't like Bosnia, and that Montenegro doesn't like Albania... But I deeply love people from each of these places, and to me, that makes each of them special, worth visiting, and definitely a beautiful part of my heart.

In three days I'm leaving here. I don't know what the immediate future holds for me. I just know that I'm headed back to the US soon. Will I be back here anytime soon? Can I see my friends again? Is part of me going to die again as I leave this time? I don't know, and I have no answers. It's hard to leave these places and people I dearly love! I know I get to see my family and friends soon, and that is worth a lot. But it's hard that being with them now always means painful goodbyes.

I guess I'm just longing for heaven tonight. No more tears, no more goodbyes, Light causing all darkness to be banished, and hopefully some little men riding by on tractors in the shadow of gorgeous mountains!

The Prayer of Hannah

She sat on the steps of her church, weeping uncontrollably, unable to even summon the courage to go any further. Silent prayers flowed over her lips up to the unfailing ears of God. Years of painful desire streamed down her cheeks in the form of tears. Where was He? Why hadn't He responded to her pleas? Was He even caring right now?

Haven't we all been Hannah at some point or another? Pleading for the life of a loved one, crying out for the soul of someone we care about, begging for the birth of a child, longing for different circumstances, asking for healing, or whatever your burden in your season happens to be. I've had many times of weeping, of longing and suffering filling my heart to the point of being laid out before the Lord. Sitting in the stillness now, many of them come flooding back to me now. Gapping holes I thought that would never be filled that did. Wounds I thought could never be healed that mended. Sins I thought I'd never be forgiven that were erased. Only one thing continues to remain, despite the number of times I've begged for the desire to be wiped away if the hope was to remain unmet. 

I've lost count of how many times I've written about singleness, but each time I do, inevitably I get a response from someone thanking me and asking me to continue to do so. It's the hardest topic for me to crack open my heart and expose, because it is the deepest. I can't say that my longing for a spouse is any more difficult than another's, but I will say that the life God has led me to has exaggerated the loneliness. Contrary to what it may seem as I travel the globe, I long for stability. I long for someone to know all of me- the me here, the me there, the me of my past, the me of my hopes, the me of ugliness, the me of beauty, the me of pain, the me of joy... I'd say nearly everyone in my life only knows but a small part of what makes me me. Even though I may appear to be so strong and can spend a lifetime fighting for justice and help for others, I so much long for someone to fight for me (and with me). Just because I don't sit still waiting for love to enter my life, doesn't mean I don't long everyday for those words to come true. 

God answered Hannah's prayers and brought a son (and more children) to her life, but the verses that continue to challenge my heart are 1 Samuel 1:5-6 where it talks about God being the One who closed Hannah's womb in the first place. I know God is the One who has allowed me to be single all these years. As my friend reminded me, "He's answered crazy prayers for me, so I know He cares and listens. Just in this area He says no for now." I don't understand His ways. I can't pretend to know the mind of the Lord. But, just as Hannah, I will continue to enter His presence and ask. And maybe one day this will be part of the category of holes filled, wounds healed, and sins erased. Maybe one day all this will make sense, but until then, you can find me on the steps of the church, "speaking in [my] heart... pouring out my soul... and speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation."