I have issues.. lots of them, actually. One of them effects my life greatly. It doesn't really have a name, because it's comprised of many factors: pride, fear, control.. I could list a lot of things out there!! But basically it comes down to telling God 'no' when He lays something on my heart. Sad, right? Okay.. it's honestly more than sad. It's weird, pathetic, and crazy! I mean, my entire life has been devoted to 'following God', so to tell Him no doesn't really fit or make much sense there. But I do still.
The thing is that I know when I do it. I don't know if everyone has that ability, but I sure do! God has given me a sensitive heart to Him and His leading. Mostly I value that and think it's great. Sometimes, like today, I really hate it.. Why? Because He told me to do something (pull my car over and talk to the lady waiting at the bus stop with a sad face- see: awkward, crazy, and not in my agenda) and I said no. As I kept on driving, my argument and defenses piled on high. But it didn't stop there, the guilt came rushing forward as well. You see, I remember each time I tell the Lord no. No, I won't hold my tongue! No, I not extend that grace to that mean person! No, I won't help the Roma lady carry her heavy bundle of collected garbage home! No, I won't go visit my neighbor! No, I won't.. It makes me sad to remember each of these instances. And remembering them isn't something I'm too keen on doing, so I try to avoid such thoughts.. until God tells me another something I resist. Then they all rush out again!
So, today as I continued to drive home, I began to think about why I was so resistant to talk to the woman at the bus stop. I mean, I often prayer walk in that part of the city. I often talk with strangers. I purposely go down to that part of the city to love on and minister to those in need. So, why tell God NO today? Saddest answer ever: it wasn't in my 'comfort' box that I like God to stay within... I like to plan and prepare myself for loving others. I like to be ready for things. Acting and living 'in the Spirit' is the least natural thing for me!
So, the more I drove, the more a verse kept coming to mind: "Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising its shame..." (Hebrews 12) Maybe it is Easter weekend, but maybe it's more to do with that's my problem: a lack of joy? If I were to approach life through the lenses Christ did, maybe I'd not have such a long 'no' list haunting my heart. There is probably something in the death of Christ and Him facing the cross that we all fear or dread. Death? Pain and suffering? Bearing the sin for something you didn't do? Being abandoned and rejected by those you love most? Humiliation? Pretty much a lot of things outside my 'comfortable' box zone!! But He faced it all with JOY.. with joy, folks, with joy! And that concept alone is enough to blow my mind. Enough to dwell and meditate on for a few lifetimes.
So, maybe I'm not too great at being obedient all the time. Maybe I'm a really bad follower. But I'm learning. I'm praying to live by the Spirit. I'm praying to approach these things with joy. And praying for 42nd chances and grace. For God to keep putting people in my path, making me really uncomfortable, and being relentless in the pursuit of my heart. I need that, and I need Him.. and His joy!
