Marriage & Wildflower Meadows

For my 30th birthday this past summer, I went backpacking with two friends in the Colorado wilderness. I'd definitely recommend doing this if you haven't ever done so! There's something so sweet and special about being far away from all that is familiar and tamed.

 Being the turning of a decade for me, my heart felt very fragile and contemplative. I don't think many teenagers picture themselves turning 30 and still being single. While it has been a gift from the Lord in many ways, it's definitely not typically been a well received present from God on my part a lot of the time. Singleness became a topic of prayer, journal entries, and Scriptural searches during my time up in the mountains. On my last morning there, I sat with my Bible closed and my heart heavy. The wilderness often feels 'home' in so many ways that a big city never will for me. I wasn't ready to return home yet, and I definitely felt weighed down over the thought of going back to my hometown where I felt there were no men of any sort of interest to me (and vice versa).

As I gazed around the large rock I was laying on, I beheld the cascading waterfall, the dozens of varieties of wildflowers, assortment of pine-type trees, and other unique features to this special place. God gently and softly spoke to my heart: "This is you. You are a wildflower meadow. Unique. Wild. Untamed. Rare. But Beautiful, nonetheless. You are living in a world right now where the women surrounding you are manicured, very tamed and controllable lawns. And that is what you often see and feel from the men around you. They want someone predictable and manageable. You feel like you're too much for them, because you are. However, there is a type of man that prefers a wildflower field on a remote mountain peak in the middle of nowhere. Just because he's not been by yet doesn't mean he's not real. And it most definitely means you should stop comparing yourself to other women- I designed you very different from them for My plans and reasons. You, My beloved, are just how I made and designed you. Find rest in this truth!"

It's so hard being back in the US again, living in my hometown that's also a big city, and being surrounded by men that aren't 'rugged, mountain men' (I am meaning that figuratively, but it could definitely be realistic too, ha!). But whenever I recall this sweet truth back to mind, it brings peace and rest to my soul.

The words of Bethany Dillon's song bring freedom as well:
"You can do more in my waiting than in my doing I can do. So I won't run anymore. I am waiting on You."

How to Mourn

This winter I have been pretty absent from the blogging world. It has been a season of great sorrow and deep heart grief. Pawpaw, a close friend from the community I live in, had a stroke mid-November, was taken off life support two weeks later, and buried two weeks after that (once we were able to raise the needed funds). Two days after his burial, his wife, Big Granny, collapsed from a heart attack, was put on life support, and passed away a week and a half later in the hospital. We, once again gathered the needed funds, and she was buried at the end of December. A week later my own mother went into the hospital, and two weeks later, after a decision was made to stop all care but that which relieved the pain, she was gone within a day. The funeral was planned, family came in town, a ceremony took place, everyone left, and life went back to 'normal'. However, the odd thing was that the day after the funeral I became sick... and have been sick since- that's close to 4 months now. Sinus infection, pink eye, loss of voice, coughing, ear infections, etc. You name it, I've had it! I've tried every natural remedy there is, and even finally broke down and took an antibiotic. I'm still pretty sick, which has made me extremely angry often, but more so contemplative now. What if my external sickness is simply a manifestation of the internal sickness of heart I'm experiencing?

As I've been thinking about this topic, Google has become my friend in researching how other cultures grieve loss. And the Bible has been really interesting in looking up the topic of mourning. A week or two ago, my pastor talked about our generation being one of extreme entertainment and valuing 'levity' above all else. That has definitely been how I have been handling this process. I come home from my often emotionally exhausting job, to my house that is across from a brothel and next to a drug house, and there is nothing more overwhelming than the thought of thinking about how much I miss my mom or my dear friends. My life feels so serious and often painful, why in the world would I want to choose to mourn or grieve if I don't have to? So, instead, I turn to funny TV shows on Netflix or I watch 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' (something I'd watched with my mom) episodes on Youtube. I just want to laugh and feel light and jovial. I don't want heavy, and I most assuredly don't want to go to the places of deep pain. But could it be that I need to?

In the US, we have definitely done away with nearly all traditions. I think a lot of that is due to us being a 'melting pot' of different ethnicities, but it could also be due to us not valuing them. When I was looking up mourning on Wikipedia, it listed out the various countries and how they mourned. In the US, pretty much our only tradition is to wear black to funerals... which we also wear to weddings and formal dinners. There's nothing set aside for those that grieve to cling to or hold as sacred. Whereas, in most other countries it is either expected or required for a person who has lost someone close to them to spend 40 days, 6 months, or even a year in mourning. Not just wearing black, but not attending parties or weddings, having time off of work, fasting, or participating in other religious ceremonies. There is actual recognition that they are hurting and should be mourning and grieving. It is understood and even promoted. I am sure this alleviates the pressure I feel every day to act like I'm fine and pretend to be okay when I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life with my arm chopped off. There's been nothing for me to cling to or even have to acknowledge something is missing and vastly different in my life now.

So, the challenge God has laid over my heart has been that of entering into a season of mourning. Allowing myself to grieve, feel the pain that's there, and stop pretending I am fine. This feels very strange and scary to me. It feels like I'm signing up to be depressed on purpose- a place God rescued me from long ago, and I vowed to never return... I have no idea how one goes about mourning. But I guess the Bible will be my starting point: Be wretched, weep, fast, sit in silence, go about in sackcloth and ashes, tear your clothes... I am pretty sure I won't participate in all of those, but, then again, I don't have a clue what this season is going to look like or how long it's going to last! So, if you see me sitting on the curb in burlap, looking like I've just escaped from a fire, be sure to stop by and give me a hug- I'm sure I'm going to need one!

Weariness that Attacks the Soul

In the Fall of 2008 I entered what a lot of people term 'full-time ministry' when I moved overseas. After living and working there for 3 years, I moved home in the Fall of 2011. Within two months I was working in the inner city. It now being nearly the winter of 2014, I have completed 3 years in this position. For those of you counting, that's 6 years living and working in pretty dark, difficult circumstances. I can't express the number of times I've wanted to quit, to give up, to have a 'normal' job that doesn't require people interaction, etc.

This Fall has been one of the hardest seasons of 'work' I've yet had to endure. Most of the darkest, hardest undertakings are things I can't speak of on a public blog, but I will say this: I have been on my knees, I have been in tears, I have questioned whether deep in my heart I trusted God, and this past month I found myself entering 'survival-mode' just to make it to Christmas break. Well, I made it to the break, and here I am trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and run to Him with them. It's been hard and messy these past days!

Just now I was laying on my bed, feeling discouraged. Interesting how Satan likes to attack when someone's down, eh? Little thoughts about how my kids from work, that I've poured heart and soul into, really don't love Jesus, as seen with their words and actions on social media. Thinking about how the house across the street, that not a day goes by that I don't pray for God to move and work over there, has little change in the pimps, prostitutes, and clients that shuffle in and out their front door. How, even at the age of 30, it has not failed that nearly every year I either have to move or get a new roommate on top of already feeling lonely and unstable as a single woman. Things with family. Things with my health. And the list goes on. All that rushed through my head as I lay gazing at my wall I'd just spent a few hours re-doing with pictures and quotes. The verse in one of the frames caught my eye: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl..." Matthew 5:14 In those few words I saw a glimpse into my weary heart!

How much I long to turn off the light I'm shining, to hide it under a bowl, to run from having to shine it out to others. But, as the verse says, the Light that's in my heart isn't a thing to be turned off and on. It's become me, now that Jesus has ownership of my heart and life. In His words: "You are the light of the world..." No matter how weary or discouraged I become, I can't stop shining- it's who I am! And strangely, even though I'm not entirely sure why, that brings great comfort to my tired, down-trodden soul tonight. The Light inside will continue to shine, because It's not dependent upon me and how I'm doing, but upon Another. That, my friends, brings hope and is the best of news!

The Proud King

Hezekiah has always been one of my favorite kings from the Old Testament. He's not super famous like David or Solomon, but he's always stood out to me for one particular story. He got really ill, so ill that Isaiah came to him and told him to sort out all his affairs, for he wasn't going to live. Hezekiah's response has always been so powerful to me (God's reply back- even more so!):  "'Remember, Lord, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes.' And Hezekiah wept bitterly." (2 Kings 20:2-3) Isaiah made it midway through the courtyard when God commanded him to return. “'Go back and tell Hezekiah, the ruler of my people, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of your father David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the Lord. I will add fifteen years to your life....’” (verse 5-6) Does God change His mind because of the fervent prayer of His king? It's mind boggling to think through, a task which I've done often throughout my lifetime. 

It wasn't until recently that I really paid attention to the other version of this story that is found in 2 Chronicles 32:24-25. Here it talks about how, even though God had healed him, he didn't "make return according to the benefit done to him, for his heart was proud.." And later it says that "God left him to himself, in order to test him and to know all that was in his heart." Basically Hezekiah's life ends with God saying that there are going to be consequences for his proud choices, but because he's showed some humility they won't happen in H's lifetime. To which H replies: "'The word of the Lord you have spoken is good,' Hezekiah replied. For he thought, 'Will there not be peace and security in my lifetime?'" (2 Kings 20:19)

This man that I've come to admire and the life that I have thought so much about are both deeply flawed! In the small bits and pieces we see of his life and heart, we can notice selfishness, pride, materialism, bad parenting, etc. Not a super quality guy..! But God listened to his cry and plea for healing. It baffles me as to why He'd do that. But at the same time it offers me hope to pray in a similar vein. However, this morning as I read through all of this again, I encountered a different perspective. 

As I've been struggling through various health issues, I've tackled them all numerous ways: rushing about to doctor after doctor, fasting, prayer, changing diet and lifestyle, etc. Somehow each of those has left me back at square one with no answers and frustrated. No one knows what's wrong and nothing seems to be helping. So this morning I flipped open my Bible and read this story again with tears streaming down my cheeks begging God to heal me. And then a thought hit me: I am a very proud person, and God knows my heart more than I ever will. Maybe I'm the same as Hezekiah. Maybe He knows that if He healed me, my proud heart would not make return according to the benefit done to me. Who knows, but what I do know is that God is always after something deeper than just my comfort and my convenience. He's after my heart! And by George, if I die tomorrow or 50 years from now, I want to do it with a humble heart that is daily giving my sweet Abba all the glory and praise He deserves. 

Through Doors of Hope

It's hard living directly across the street from what I call a "pimp house"- it's really just a brothel of sorts. One man lives there and numerous other people flow in and out all day and all night. Scantly clad women sit on the porch or walk next door to the "drug house" to get some "goods". Men with hungry eyes sit in cars as they wait their turn or await their sister or girlfriend's shift to finish. It's a horrific thing to behold day after day!

I've spent a good number of years living and working in the midst of poverty type cultures. Prostitution and drug use aren't anything new to me. But having both fill your eyes EVERY time you leave the house, sit on your porch, or glance out your window has proven to be overwhelming for my wee heart! There's hardly a time when I don't leave my door begging God to shut it down, to bring justice and freedom, or simply to burn down the house. And truly, unless the Lord moves in one of these ways, there's not any way forward (it's so common down here that the police rarely do anything about either of these "petty" crimes). If I'm honest, some days that brings rest, but most days that feels inadequate.

I work with the children and youth in this inner city neighborhood. I have numerous little girls that have been sexually abused. Most of my girls have little contact or no relationship with their daddies. The majority of the moms cycle through men. The boys in their classes speak to them in provocative and sexual ways, even in elementary school. And I can't help but see my sweet babies when I gaze at the women entering the house across the street. Unless God intervenes, such is the future that this neighborhood has to offer and awaits them. My heart isn't okay with that...

So, tonight I sat in my backyard, in what has become a little oasis of peace, and talked with my Abba again about these heavy things. As I flipped slowly through my Bible, pausing to read underlined passages and notes, I ended up in Hosea. The little token that broke through the tears into my heart was that He takes the Valley of Achor (trouble) and makes it a door of hope. He does this as He draws us out into the wilderness, and we are able to see Him as our Love and Husband. I wrote this verse on the wood I was sitting on (the beauty of pallet furniture!), and begged God to one day use this little oasis of peace to be a place where people from this neighborhood find their doors of hope! I can't wait...

Opinionated Ranting

I don't normally blog on topics that are 'hot' and currently happening around the globe. This is not because I don't care or have passion for them, but more because I don't want my blog to become an opinionated rant. And I can be great at being opinionated and ranting if the issue at hand is one I'm passionate about. However, I am crossing those boundaries today to address something that has been bothering me extensively for a while.

Though I'm relatively young, I've lived quite a bit of life in my years. I've seen the history of many places, experienced many cultures, lived in dozens of locations, and befriended numerous ethnicities. My life perspective has been stripped of much of the pride it was inundated with from growing up in my American (or should I say: Texan? ha) bubble. And I wouldn't trade that for anything- it's a rich treasure! But it serves to haunt me when world issues or crises arise, or really when the public becomes aware of their existence.

There's an Instagram feed I follow entitled Humans of NY. I love the photographer's perspective on capturing people, as it is without bias or personal opinion. One of his most recent pictures/stories was of a homeless man begging for change on the street corner. His story was that of riches to rags from being mugged on the street and losing all semblance of health from the attack. The comments really irked me! "Where is this man? I want to help him." And tons of other shocked responses that such a thing could happen to a person, followed by a desire to find this specific man and help him back onto his feet. Feelings of immense frustration filled my heart- he's the guy on the corner that they pass by on the way to work each day. He's the man that petitions them for change as they glare at him for being in their way. He's the one who they've felt tried to con them into giving him 'bus fare to get to my daughter in the hospital.' They've met him before, and they walked away. The reason they don't know his story is because they didn't ask, they didn't listen, and they didn't care. Looking at an impersonal picture on a phone as one sits in the luxury of their comfort zone somehow brings a bravado that is lacking when one walks past him. A desire to 'change the world' and right all the wrongs as long as it just involves one time giving, no relational investment, and no mess to affect their day to day comforts.

Nigeria is a political mess and has been for a really long time. Travel to any major European city (or even some US ones) and many of the women and men being exploited on the streets are from Nigeria. It's a poor and broken country, which has served as fuel for numerous groups to come in, kidnap, and wreck unnameable havoc among the people... all while the West has turned a calloused face away in apathy. But 276 girls all the sudden show up missing and it becomes the world's highest trending topic on social media? How easy it is to click a button, jump on a bandwagon of 'doing something' worthwhile while they surf the net, and then forget about it in a few weeks time. I found this quote off of CNN's website to be a good telltale sign of what people really care about regarding this issue.. themselves! "Just imagine if 276 girls had been kidnapped in the United States. The response would be mass outrage and a forceful demand for a response. As borders become more irrelevant for terrorists, the whole world needs to take notice of the likes of Boko Haram."

Please don't get me wrong- I care deeply for the homeless and the sweet Nigerian girls!! But I also care about lasting change and genuine care of people, not just a political issue people quickly jump on and off. I've known numerous Nigerian people and love their country immensely! I've known numerous homeless people, and almost all have heart wrenching stories. But I get sick of people acting like they care, but the reality is that their money, time, and everything else prove they actually don't. Trafficking is horrific, and a person would've had to been living in a hole to not know how widespread and disgusting it was before these little girls were kidnapped. Homelessness is everywhere one turns, I don't understand how someone could just not know that they are in fact human beings with really sad, hard stories. How I long for people to live life with eyes wide open! To stop going from one social media political high to the next. To pray to have God's heart for the hurting and pain-filled right there in their own cities and across the world. What movement we would see if even just the Church did this!

Okay my political, opinionated rant is done! :)

The Art of Being Single

I'll be honest, I never imagined reaching 30 and being single. I'm not someone who had my life all planned out and 'knew what I wanted to be when I grew up', but everyone I knew, as a teenager, that was in their 30's was married (except for a few pretty odd people). I guess I just never fathomed or was able to picture life being single long term. Don't get me wrong, being single isn't the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I actually quite enjoy my freedom and all the amazing experiences God has blessed with being able to partake in because I'm not married or parenting. But if I was honest about the depths of my heart, being single is a big wrestle my heart struggles with on a somewhat day to day basis. It looks and feels different each day, but the battle is there nonetheless. I often find myself on my knees crying out for God to remove the desire if it's never to reach fruition, but He hasn't yet.

This past week my Home Group from church met together to participate in a Seder Dinner (a Jewish tradition for Passover). It was a rich time of enjoying Jesus, being together, and savoring good food. As we talked about Christ and Heaven, I found a deep longing surging through my heart to see Him and to finally be there at Home. As this desire increased inside me, I found myself glancing around the table at these men and women I 'do life with' on a day to day basis. People I know well through working with, living with, or serving with. As I thought of who I was sitting with, my mind trickled back through all the hundreds of people from my past that fit into one of those categories (I've moved around a lot- the number is massive!). How sweet that day will be when I'm sitting at the banquet feast, the wedding supper of the Lamb!! To finally be united with my Bridegroom and together with all those who'll make up the Bride. What a rich evening, full of all that my soul longs for and desires. In that moment I shall be in want for nothing more than I shall already possess!

I can't help but find my desire to be married to be pale in comparison to that moment. It won't matter who I was or wasn't married to when I reach that dinner feast, will it? Marriage is sweet here on earth, as you love and serve your King together. But really it's simply a tool to spur one another on to keep drawing others into that journey to that table with you. For some reason, for my 30 years and this season of life, Jesus has decided I don't need that. I don't know why, and I still can't understand His ways in this and regarding my dozens of single friends. But I'm learning to trust. I'm learning to look beyond what my eyes can see. I'm learning to focus on my Bridegroom and eternity. And I'm learning that He and He alone satisfies my heart's desires and longings.

So, as my 30th approaches, I raise my glass and toast my singleness as a beautiful gift from the One my heart loves more than all else. And if the only wedding I ever experience is the one to Him, that walk down the aisle to His arms will be the sweetest moment fathomable... worth every moment leading up to it!

And so to Him I leave it all

Whate’er my God ordains is right:
His holy will abideth;
I will be still whate’er He doth;
And follow where He guideth;
He is my God; though dark my road,
He holds me that I shall not fall:
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
He never will deceive me;
He leads me by the proper path:
I know He will not leave me.
I take, content, what He hath sent;
His hand can turn my griefs away,
And patiently I wait His day.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
His loving thought attends me;
No poison can be in the cup
That my Physician sends me.
My God is true; each morn anew
I’ll trust His grace unending,
My life to Him commending.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
He is my Friend and Father;
He suffers naught to do me harm,
Though many storms may gather,
Now I may know both joy and woe,
Some day I shall see clearly
That He hath loved me dearly.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
Though now this cup, in drinking,
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it, all unshrinking.
My God is true; each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart,
And pain and sorrow shall depart.
Whate’er my God ordains is right:
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken.
My Father’s care is round me there;
He holds me that I shall not fall:
And so to Him I leave it all.
samuel rodigast

Through My Eyes

He got in the car with me last week, and we began to drive through our neighborhood to the office that was promising to help him find housing for himself and his two girls (one of which I mentor). Small talk and catching up on life filled the car for the first few minutes. When we reached the nearby highway the conversation had changed.

"You came early", he said. "I was just about to write you a letter when you arrived to get me. I wanted to tell you how I was noticing you were different than most people. For you, it's not about color or where a person is in life. Oh how I wish the rest of the world saw other people and life through your eyes. The world would be such a better place..." And he continued on with sweet words that I didn't deserve. Seeing his slight pause as a chance to talk about my First Love and Savior, I directed all praise His way and then changed the subject to all He was doing in his life. But his phrase: "I wish the world saw other people and life through your eyes", has stuck with me.

The reality is that I know my 'eyes' all too well. Most days I wish I could get rid of them! I know the judgmental-ness that I battle as I compare or nit pick things. I know the negativity I fight on a daily basis. I know the fears I have of other people being recognized over me. I know the calloused-ness I face when I survey the hurt and pain around. No, my 'eyes' are indeed NOT a beautiful thing that anyone around should envy or try to pattern after. But His 'eyes', that I'm seeking to put on more and more each day, are loving, gracious, kind, eager to help, patient in suffering, not after their own glory, quick to be humble, and overall the sweetest thing anyone has ever beheld this side of heaven!

I have a love/hate relationship with sanctification. You see, it's great cuz it grants me the ability to live in His ways more and more. However, it's pain-filled and hard mostly, so I very much hate it most days. But the more I'm becoming like Him, the more He is seen instead of me. And that's truly a great thing. Praise His Holy Name that, as He sanctifies me, those around me see I have my Daddy's eyes and mine fade away more and more!

Worthy Life Investments

Today I sat in a funeral for a 7 year old boy; that in and of itself was pretty awful. But compounded on top of that was the fact that he was gone because his 13 year brother accidentally shot him as they found and played with a gun in the garage. During this past school year I've gotten to know the 13 year old boy pretty well through work. When I heard the news, my heart broke, and I just wanted to wrap him (and his 12 year old brother) in a huge hug. A week and a half has transpired, and he's been on my heart in prayer every day; all day long.

There's a lot of times in my job when I wonder whether what we are doing here in the inner city is 'worth' the massive life investment we've all made. You see, tragic things like this happen often in the lives of the students I work with. Some of it resulting from choices they make, but the majority is just really crappy, sad life stuff: sexual abuse, both parents in jail, etc. I often get a picture in my mind of a scales. We are dropping Truth, hope, love, and good (as in God being the definition of this) into one side, but the odds are most definitely not in our favor. You see, for every hour a child spends with us, they spend 23 in another environment. One that often is filled with lies, despair, pain, and bad things. To counter balance the scale would take an act of God! And truly that's what we cry out for each day; that is our only hope!

As I watched the family file into the sanctuary, the boys lost it when they reached the front where the open casket was. Uncontainable sobs filled the room and my heart. Again, the desire to wrap them in a never ending hug filled my heart. I know I can't 'fix' it or even protect them in any way, but I guess that's the 'motherly' instinct inside me! I thought the pastor did an okay job given the situation, and I pray God's truth reaches into the hearts of the hurting, confused family. But all too soon it was over. The family filed out to drive over to the grave, and the boys were gone again. As the room emptied, I made my way outside, eagerly scanning the crowd for my young friend. I finally laid eyes upon him, and 'willed' him to look my way. A minute later he did, and what happened is a moment that I buried as treasure into my heart. A 13 year old boy is hard to understand or predict what he'll do. One time you see them they're excited, the next they are embarrassed to acknowledge knowing you. So, especially given the circumstances, I wasn't sure what to expect. But when he saw me his eyes lit up, and he flashed his braces in a wide grin. Nudging his brother, he said: "Look", and walked over to me and my co-workers. As he walked into my hug, I wanted to cry. I know full well that my hug was probably mostly selfish, but he let me hold him long enough for my shirt to later smell of his cologne and for me to say how I'd been missing him.

That was it. He was gone after a few minutes, but I'm very thankful to God for that sweet moment. You see, for a boy's eyes to light up in such a situation means he feels loved, accepted, and welcome- all things that I daily hope my kids feel and see as from God in me. It was a small, simple moment, but it felt weighty. It was as if God, in the midst of a difficult season, said to my heart: "Hey, We are making a difference here in this community! Keep pressing onward, my daughter, keep going.." And that was what I was needing today!

Holiday Cheer

With Thanksgiving and then Christmas right around the corner, my heart feels in a contemplative state these days. There's a lot of things associated with both holidays that my life is lacking these days. And so hearing others talk about things, plan stuff, or asking me questions often puts me in a grumpy mood before I even realize it. Some days it feels like an hourly heart check! But today I realized something afresh: joy is a state of the heart, a choice of the mind, and an act of the will.

So, here's my resolutions: even though in this season I can't partake in any of the festive {delish} foods around me, as I try to figure out what I'm allergic to, I will rejoice in my diet of vegetables! Even though I'm single and struggle with feeling so alone during the holidays, I will rejoice in the sweetest Companion and Love who abides each moment and step of the way with me! Even though there is a lot of sickness and hard things happening in my family, I will rejoice that my mom is here with us and that I have an incredible family! Even though my life contains regular transitions and change, I will rejoice in a God who never changes and never fails me! Even though my life hasn't gone as I have planned it out, I will rejoice in all the wonderful, sweet, amazing things that He has brought into my life I could never imagined it would've contained!

I could go on and on.. I have awesome friends, a great family, a beautiful life, and many things any person would envy! Today I rejoice in heart checks and inner battles to choose joy. Thanks God for helping me to see You more clearly day by day!

Learning From Moses

I love the Old Testament. If it weren't for Jesus and the Gospels, I'd probably say it's my favorite part of the Bible. But I just find the stories so rich and approachable. Whenever I pick up my Bible to read one of them, I usually walk away convicted, inspired, or both! So, this afternoon's lesson was found in the book of Joshua/Deuteronomy/Exodus regarding Moses (does everyone else read that word with Charleton Heston's voice in their head??).

I realize in my last post (wayyy back in August) I made some comment about feeling old. Well, today's post will deal with me being young. Ha, honestly since I'm right in the middle of things, it's a toss up each day whether I feel old or whether I feel young!

Lately the battle and struggle in my heart has been one of feeling like a failure- yikes, who wants to blog such words?! But God has been so sweet and gracious in revealing to me sins lately, and with that, the ugly state of my wicked heart. (Side note: one of my favorite Tim Keller quotes says something about for every look at our sin we must take 7 looks at the grace of the cross or we will become overwhelmed- good stuff!) Not only has this been immensely humbling, but it also has been discouraging as I feel I have such a long, long way to go in this whole sanctification process. But as I was reading through Moses' story I started paying attention to his mistakes, his wisdoms, and his age. I believe he was 40 when he fled Egypt for the desert, and I also believe he was 80 when he went back to Egypt. He was 120 when he died. Forty years seems like such a long time (maybe cuz I've not yet reached 40 years on this planet..), but when I think about all that Moses accomplished in the last 40 years of his life it seems so short.

I think about the first 40 years of living in wealth and prosperity. We don't know much about it, except that it ended poorly with him killing an Egyptian. I can almost see Moses, the youth, wrestling with his identity, wanting to fight for the injustice of his people, and battling with so many things on the heart level for years. The murder he committed probably was just the boiling over of his frustration and angst. And, in great fear, like a coward, he fled to the desert. End of Season One!

Season Two also doesn't contain much info, apart from our man, Moses, living among sheep- talk about trying one's patience.. not to mention he lived in the desert! As I read about that, I think one thing: training ground! And the funny thing is that even after 80 years he's still not ready. He argues quite extensively with God, which concludes in him begging for God to not send him and find someone else. These two 40 year periods inspire little hope for me when I think about the work that's to be on his plate soon. I mean, look at his reluctant trek to Egypt- God almost kills him for failing to obey His law of circumcision. His wife saves his life- what a great beginning! End of Season Two!

You guys already know the details of the Exodus, which is the essence of Season Three. But I'm just fascinated by our culture and my own heart laying such great focus upon ministry and not on training. We like to rush into some place after 4 years (8 if we decide to do seminary) of schooling and wonder why things go badly. 'Hey God, why do I still struggle with so many things? Why am I constantly failing? Why aren't things happening as I planned out?' MOSES WENT THROUGH 80 YEARS OF TRAINING BEFORE MARCHING UP TO PHARAOH.. and he still wasn't fully ready! What in the world am I thinking about how slow I am, about how far I have to go, etc?

Reading and thinking about these 'heros' of the Bible inspires grace and patience within my heart, and I'm finding these days I'm needing both in big measures!

FREEDOM!

I recently was reading something a mother had written about her young son. He was often frustrated about 'unfairness' and as a result pouted quite a bit. She was talking about how his sweet heart was molded and shaped for justice and things happening in an upright, honest way. And while he often sat on the sidelines being discouraged, she was trying to remember that it's hearts like that that change the world, that buck the systems of inequality and injustice, that fight for causes that are bigger than themselves, and aren't content to sit by while wrong happens to others. I love this perspective!

I've known quite a number of such children, and I've never thought about it like this.. Okay, okay- so, I was said child! I would rage inside when something unfair would happen around me (usually, in my childish selfishness, it was against me). I would mope, sit on the sidelines to 'teach others their lesson' for being unfair, and many other things that one shouldn't admit to on a public blog! But now that I'm old (yes, people, I am getting there!), I can see how that heart is the same heart I have now.. just with a lot of refining and shaping  by my sweet Abba!

Nothing makes me more angry than injustice! Whether it's done by someone to themselves; in selling themselves short and settling for merely existing or surviving. Whether it's the exploitation of a child for someone else's sick 'pleasures'. Whether it's not tapping into the freedom, life, joy, fullness, love, hope, peace, etc. that Christ offers you at the foot of the cross. Whether it's abuse, living in shame or guilt, being paralyzed by fear, or whatever.. I get angry. And when I say angry, I mean my heart rages! Most people never see this side of me, because God has taught me much in taking this pain, anger, grief, sorrow, and frustration to Him and leaving it at the foot of the cross- trusting, hoping, and waiting for Him to move in His timing and His way. But it's still very much inside me each day. I feel the weight of it daily. I am and probably always will be a fighter. Recently I can't get this scene from Braveheart out of my heart and mind:

I think of people who spent their all, bled, suffered, and died for causes (the ones who did it for Christ stand out most to me). We love these stories, we long to be people like them! William Wilberforce, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Stephen, and I could go on and on.. But even though the fight in me is strong, my daily prayer is for Him to refine it. For it to not be about me and my agenda. For it to not be in my plans or timing. For it to center and rest solely on the power and glory of Him who alone is worthy. So, I find myself internally screaming: "FREEDOM!!" these days, but the Lord says, so sweet and gentle, "Wait upon Me." In the past I was too busy rushing into the battle to hear that. But I'm learning! And if I'm learning this, well then, I'd say there's definitely hope for us all!

Surprises from God

I have an intense personality- lots of thinking transpires inside my little head (ha). I love to figure out stuff, discern things, and utilize wisdom. Sometimes really great.. sometimes not so much! The not so much part is due to mixing what has been a gift from God, to be used for His kingdom and glory, with sin; namely for me it would be either pride or fear. When discernment gets mixed with pride, it results in trying to attain the praise and glory of man for how 'wise' or smart I am. Horrific things happen when I find myself on the throne of my heart! People around me, usually the ones I love most, are hurt. It's all around messy and disgusting! I probably could write another post on another day about such sins and atrocities found in my heart.. However, the thought for today is mixing my God-given gift of discernment with fear. Control. Manipulation. Not waiting. And other ugly stuff is what erupts from this.

I think often of the story of Abraham. The promise of Isaac had been given; such a seemingly impossible thing! And yet he trusted.. for years he trusted (more than I can usually say for myself). But Sarah and Abraham began to think and talk and use human wisdom and logic to tackle the problem of no son coming. A messy situation was born; not one that God didn't redeem and use for His glory, though. But if you read closely in the passage, you can see and feel the fear. The 'what-if's'. The doubts. Lack of trust.

I'm not really a person that does well with surprises. I like to know things beforehand and be able to be prepared and plan accordingly. I struggle to trust others. I approach life the same way. Okay, God said this, promised this, or has led me in this way in the past. So, logically I can deduce that this is what He's planning to do with my future, and He's going to shape me in this way, we're going to go here, do this, and blah blah blah.. on and on my mind runs and goes! When my brain actually stops for a minute, sadness creeps in. How and why do I feel the need to 'one up' God? To figure things out before He reveals it to me? To 'help' Him out in my life? It's fear. It's a lack of trust. It's a doubt that He's really, truly good. And it results in weary-carrying-of-burdens-that-aren't-mine-to-carry.

So, this season of life has been one of attempted rest. One of trying to sit at the back of the boat with the One who's the only One on board capable of calming the raging storm, not rushing about in meaningless, wearisome activity. A season of deep trust. Of trying to learn to enjoy and love surprises- especially ones from my sweet Abba.

Precious Father, You most certainly are good! Forgive my doubts, lack of trust, and constant companionship with fear. You will never give me a stone or a snake when I'm needing a bread or fish! You enjoy my simple delight in Your gifts after waiting upon You. It's a beautiful thing! Help me to remember this day in and day out. May I not pick up heavy burdens that were and are never mine to carry. Teach me patience and trust. My heart is Yours and Yours alone! Amen

Waiting- part 2

A year has slipped past since my last post, and the hilarious part of it all is that what drew me back to write on here was a topic I'd already written about (and forgot): waiting! How I've come to have such a love hate relationship with that word and topic!

This morning, with said topic heavy on my heart, my thoughts were flung back to Scripture as I battled and wrestled with discontentment in life and weighty doubts. Who else waited that I want to learn from? HA.. oh, just about only everyone that's written about on those pages!! But the two instances that strike me the most are Abraham and the story of the Exodus with Moses.

Abraham, you baffle me! How does someone wait upon the Lord for the impossible for so many years? Well, the reality and truth is that he didn't do so great of a job.. enter Hagar and Ishmael and a BIG mess. But placing myself in the mentioned situation- hmm, well, we maybe don't even want to go there! How many 'trusting-in-my-flesh-and-eyes-can-see' messes Christina could come up with?! I mean, look at my own life story, which can in no way compare with Abraham's lot (no pun intended- haha), and it has been marked with many 'Hagars' which produced messy 'Ishmaels' throughout!

As I pray through and meditate on his life and story, I must pause to ask many why questions. Why would God want Abraham to wait so long? Why didn't He just provide the son He'd promised? Why must I always wait, wait, wait, God..?! Oh, oops- I got sidetracked from Abraham and started throwing a small temper tantrum.. excuse that!

I think the answers to my why questions about Abraham can be seen in the story of God calling His people out of Egypt and into Canaan. I've wrestled much with this story too.. On close examination of a map, from the get-go God took them the long way through the desert! The actual journey from Egypt to Canaan wasn't that long. It wasn't that hard. It wasn't as rough as it originally became. So, enter my many why questions again! As I searched and yelled (the yelling was due to relating it personally) and finally prayed, God showed me something. The truth is that this 'something' is always the 'something' He's interested in. The Israelite's hearts! Examine the story closely. God reveals their hearts with His leading them the long way. Bitterness, grumbling, complaining, deceit, wickedness, and so much other junk had taken root and infested His people. With such a heart, there would be no way for them to enjoy and worship Him for the blessings of the Promise Land. So, He took them PURPOSELY out to the desert to refine, to strip, to lay bare their hearts for their ultimate joy. Have you ever seen a spoiled little kid get an expensive gift and despise it and throw a temper tantrum? Why? Because of a wicked heart they don't know how to appreciate and find joy in that moment or item.

Back to Abraham.. He had some trust issues. Stories of him giving away his wife to save his life ring in my head. And while the dude was way up on me and you, God saw his heart and knew that should He provide Isaac immediately it wouldn't be best. Best for Abraham and His plan and glory. So He said wait to Abraham, to David, to Hannah, to Joseph, to Mary, and the massive list goes on (see the end of Hebrews 11- most didn't even receive what they'd been promised and were waiting on.. blows my noggin!). And I guess I loathe the waiting because it refines my heart, it puts me in the fire, and it exposes what I like to pretend isn't there. Thus the hate part in this relationship. But it also brings about great joy; which is my heart's deep pursuit. It brings forth trust in Him and His people. And ultimately it creates a worshipper's heart that is about God's glory and not my own. So, even though I do complain.. I can't and shouldn't in light of this knowledge!

Oh sweet El Roi, You are the highest prize! And I would wait a lifetime to gain that great pearl. How quickly my words and head agree to such things, but often how far my heart is from that! Make them align to serve You faithfully; especially in the waiting and hoping periods. Give me eyes to see the eternal and how to make that my treasure. Give me patience and faithfulness. May the messes I make be minimal and less and less as I grow. Help me, oh please help me, for all these things are well beyond my small abilities, but so very worth pursuing!