FREEDOM!

I recently was reading something a mother had written about her young son. He was often frustrated about 'unfairness' and as a result pouted quite a bit. She was talking about how his sweet heart was molded and shaped for justice and things happening in an upright, honest way. And while he often sat on the sidelines being discouraged, she was trying to remember that it's hearts like that that change the world, that buck the systems of inequality and injustice, that fight for causes that are bigger than themselves, and aren't content to sit by while wrong happens to others. I love this perspective!

I've known quite a number of such children, and I've never thought about it like this.. Okay, okay- so, I was said child! I would rage inside when something unfair would happen around me (usually, in my childish selfishness, it was against me). I would mope, sit on the sidelines to 'teach others their lesson' for being unfair, and many other things that one shouldn't admit to on a public blog! But now that I'm old (yes, people, I am getting there!), I can see how that heart is the same heart I have now.. just with a lot of refining and shaping  by my sweet Abba!

Nothing makes me more angry than injustice! Whether it's done by someone to themselves; in selling themselves short and settling for merely existing or surviving. Whether it's the exploitation of a child for someone else's sick 'pleasures'. Whether it's not tapping into the freedom, life, joy, fullness, love, hope, peace, etc. that Christ offers you at the foot of the cross. Whether it's abuse, living in shame or guilt, being paralyzed by fear, or whatever.. I get angry. And when I say angry, I mean my heart rages! Most people never see this side of me, because God has taught me much in taking this pain, anger, grief, sorrow, and frustration to Him and leaving it at the foot of the cross- trusting, hoping, and waiting for Him to move in His timing and His way. But it's still very much inside me each day. I feel the weight of it daily. I am and probably always will be a fighter. Recently I can't get this scene from Braveheart out of my heart and mind:

I think of people who spent their all, bled, suffered, and died for causes (the ones who did it for Christ stand out most to me). We love these stories, we long to be people like them! William Wilberforce, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther, Stephen, and I could go on and on.. But even though the fight in me is strong, my daily prayer is for Him to refine it. For it to not be about me and my agenda. For it to not be in my plans or timing. For it to center and rest solely on the power and glory of Him who alone is worthy. So, I find myself internally screaming: "FREEDOM!!" these days, but the Lord says, so sweet and gentle, "Wait upon Me." In the past I was too busy rushing into the battle to hear that. But I'm learning! And if I'm learning this, well then, I'd say there's definitely hope for us all!

Surprises from God

I have an intense personality- lots of thinking transpires inside my little head (ha). I love to figure out stuff, discern things, and utilize wisdom. Sometimes really great.. sometimes not so much! The not so much part is due to mixing what has been a gift from God, to be used for His kingdom and glory, with sin; namely for me it would be either pride or fear. When discernment gets mixed with pride, it results in trying to attain the praise and glory of man for how 'wise' or smart I am. Horrific things happen when I find myself on the throne of my heart! People around me, usually the ones I love most, are hurt. It's all around messy and disgusting! I probably could write another post on another day about such sins and atrocities found in my heart.. However, the thought for today is mixing my God-given gift of discernment with fear. Control. Manipulation. Not waiting. And other ugly stuff is what erupts from this.

I think often of the story of Abraham. The promise of Isaac had been given; such a seemingly impossible thing! And yet he trusted.. for years he trusted (more than I can usually say for myself). But Sarah and Abraham began to think and talk and use human wisdom and logic to tackle the problem of no son coming. A messy situation was born; not one that God didn't redeem and use for His glory, though. But if you read closely in the passage, you can see and feel the fear. The 'what-if's'. The doubts. Lack of trust.

I'm not really a person that does well with surprises. I like to know things beforehand and be able to be prepared and plan accordingly. I struggle to trust others. I approach life the same way. Okay, God said this, promised this, or has led me in this way in the past. So, logically I can deduce that this is what He's planning to do with my future, and He's going to shape me in this way, we're going to go here, do this, and blah blah blah.. on and on my mind runs and goes! When my brain actually stops for a minute, sadness creeps in. How and why do I feel the need to 'one up' God? To figure things out before He reveals it to me? To 'help' Him out in my life? It's fear. It's a lack of trust. It's a doubt that He's really, truly good. And it results in weary-carrying-of-burdens-that-aren't-mine-to-carry.

So, this season of life has been one of attempted rest. One of trying to sit at the back of the boat with the One who's the only One on board capable of calming the raging storm, not rushing about in meaningless, wearisome activity. A season of deep trust. Of trying to learn to enjoy and love surprises- especially ones from my sweet Abba.

Precious Father, You most certainly are good! Forgive my doubts, lack of trust, and constant companionship with fear. You will never give me a stone or a snake when I'm needing a bread or fish! You enjoy my simple delight in Your gifts after waiting upon You. It's a beautiful thing! Help me to remember this day in and day out. May I not pick up heavy burdens that were and are never mine to carry. Teach me patience and trust. My heart is Yours and Yours alone! Amen

Waiting- part 2

A year has slipped past since my last post, and the hilarious part of it all is that what drew me back to write on here was a topic I'd already written about (and forgot): waiting! How I've come to have such a love hate relationship with that word and topic!

This morning, with said topic heavy on my heart, my thoughts were flung back to Scripture as I battled and wrestled with discontentment in life and weighty doubts. Who else waited that I want to learn from? HA.. oh, just about only everyone that's written about on those pages!! But the two instances that strike me the most are Abraham and the story of the Exodus with Moses.

Abraham, you baffle me! How does someone wait upon the Lord for the impossible for so many years? Well, the reality and truth is that he didn't do so great of a job.. enter Hagar and Ishmael and a BIG mess. But placing myself in the mentioned situation- hmm, well, we maybe don't even want to go there! How many 'trusting-in-my-flesh-and-eyes-can-see' messes Christina could come up with?! I mean, look at my own life story, which can in no way compare with Abraham's lot (no pun intended- haha), and it has been marked with many 'Hagars' which produced messy 'Ishmaels' throughout!

As I pray through and meditate on his life and story, I must pause to ask many why questions. Why would God want Abraham to wait so long? Why didn't He just provide the son He'd promised? Why must I always wait, wait, wait, God..?! Oh, oops- I got sidetracked from Abraham and started throwing a small temper tantrum.. excuse that!

I think the answers to my why questions about Abraham can be seen in the story of God calling His people out of Egypt and into Canaan. I've wrestled much with this story too.. On close examination of a map, from the get-go God took them the long way through the desert! The actual journey from Egypt to Canaan wasn't that long. It wasn't that hard. It wasn't as rough as it originally became. So, enter my many why questions again! As I searched and yelled (the yelling was due to relating it personally) and finally prayed, God showed me something. The truth is that this 'something' is always the 'something' He's interested in. The Israelite's hearts! Examine the story closely. God reveals their hearts with His leading them the long way. Bitterness, grumbling, complaining, deceit, wickedness, and so much other junk had taken root and infested His people. With such a heart, there would be no way for them to enjoy and worship Him for the blessings of the Promise Land. So, He took them PURPOSELY out to the desert to refine, to strip, to lay bare their hearts for their ultimate joy. Have you ever seen a spoiled little kid get an expensive gift and despise it and throw a temper tantrum? Why? Because of a wicked heart they don't know how to appreciate and find joy in that moment or item.

Back to Abraham.. He had some trust issues. Stories of him giving away his wife to save his life ring in my head. And while the dude was way up on me and you, God saw his heart and knew that should He provide Isaac immediately it wouldn't be best. Best for Abraham and His plan and glory. So He said wait to Abraham, to David, to Hannah, to Joseph, to Mary, and the massive list goes on (see the end of Hebrews 11- most didn't even receive what they'd been promised and were waiting on.. blows my noggin!). And I guess I loathe the waiting because it refines my heart, it puts me in the fire, and it exposes what I like to pretend isn't there. Thus the hate part in this relationship. But it also brings about great joy; which is my heart's deep pursuit. It brings forth trust in Him and His people. And ultimately it creates a worshipper's heart that is about God's glory and not my own. So, even though I do complain.. I can't and shouldn't in light of this knowledge!

Oh sweet El Roi, You are the highest prize! And I would wait a lifetime to gain that great pearl. How quickly my words and head agree to such things, but often how far my heart is from that! Make them align to serve You faithfully; especially in the waiting and hoping periods. Give me eyes to see the eternal and how to make that my treasure. Give me patience and faithfulness. May the messes I make be minimal and less and less as I grow. Help me, oh please help me, for all these things are well beyond my small abilities, but so very worth pursuing!

Living by Faith

I don't think most people would look at my life and be envious. But I have to say my life has been exciting.. granted, not the sort of excitement the world sells and passes off as 'adventurous'. Rather, God's sort of exciting adventure!

When I moved home from Kosovo nine months ago, my brother-in-law gave (yes, gave) me his car! Pretty much a God-thing and massive blessing to me. It's a really nice vehicle, but it's had a lot of ups and downs. Mainly more in the down department lately. About a month ago Jed (as he's come to be known to me) was smoking under the hood, dripping fluid, and not running so well. He went to the shop.. 2,400 and something dollars later he was returned to me. As you can imagine, having only been working for about 6 months in a 'ministry' sort of job, that wiped out my entire savings account. I was devastated! God and I had a lot of words. Okay, so I did the yelling, and He patiently waited until I was finished. That was going to be my money to go back and visit all my friends in Europe- not such a bad thing, right? Well, it was gone, and I had about $50 to my name.

After I finished complaining and arguing with God over the direction of life He was taking me, He began to speak.. or rather, I finally began to listen. "Just as you lived by faith in Kosovo for 3 years, not knowing where your money was coming from or how you were always going to make ends meet, I want you to continue to live by faith here in the US. Trusting Me, taking care of your immediate needs, and giving the rest away to My work around the globe and in your city."

Humpf.. so much for my savings account. For my thrifty personality. I hate, hate, hate being dependent on others! My pride shudders when people imply that I live in refugee housing because I'm poor. I want to be successful. Self-sufficient. Prove to people I can stand on my own two feet. I hate friends buying meals for me when we go out. They view it as a blessing; my heart cringes because it feels like pity (ugh- my wicked heart is awful to confess!). I seriously make jokes all the time about being DONE living off of support for right now. It's not a fun place to be! And so, you can imagine my frustration over God calling me back to this place..

I won't detail the entire process, but I do want to share my 'Yay, God' moment. A friend who's serving the Lord in the Philippines logged into Facebook, shared a need, and was needing an immediate response because her internet access was limited. I logged in at the same time, had just been praying about who to give and how, and saw her post. Wham! Bam! Bang- sealed envelope floating her way for $150. Tears of joy flowing down my cheeks. How awesome God was to provide that, and bless even me who was so reluctant to give out of the abundance I have been given. The next day I was at my home group. A friend walks in and hands me a check. Okay, so that used to be the norm for my life. I had told myself that I was soooo done with that! My face flushed as I tried to hand it back and asked why. He quietly replied: "I wanted to help out with your car." I pretty much wanted to cry, but I eeked out a small thank you. I later opened the check: $200. Humbling!! God not only provided for me what He'd asked me to give away, but gave more back in return.

Life doesn't always happen like that. Ha, I'm very well aware of that. But I do know that God is merciful, gracious, and kind. He longs for us to give Him all we have, and waits patiently until we do so. Blessings aren't always in monetary gifts. In fact, I thought I'd already received my blessing in being able to help the surgery of some children with cleft palates. I don't know why He chose to bless me again. But it does stick out as a constant reminder to open my hands and give without worry or fear. He will provide all I'll ever need!! And it's really okay to be dependent on other people.. in fact, that's sort of how He designed His Body to be lived out ;)

Waiting

A lot of life consists of waiting. I come from a culture where we aren't very great at this aspect of life. We've been taught, through different aspects of technology, that waiting is pointless, not necessary, and to be avoided. Meals are prepared through an instant box mix or more preferable: purchased at a fast food joint or restaurant. We upgrade our phones every year (or more often) for faster speed, more convenience, etc. We buy things online so we don't have to wait in lines. I can go on and on.. And yet, in the midst of all that, I still find myself waiting quite a bit. Not having been taught how to do that, I confess, I'm pretty bad at it!

I think I don't really grasp the concept. Waiting implies trust and hope. Trust in the person (mostly God here) or thing you're waiting on. And hoping it will one day transpire. Both rub against the grain of my personality to the extreme. I'm not a dreamer by nature; not a hope-r. I'm more of a practical, realist. If I can put my hands on it, have some sort of controlling grasp on things, or see and understand, then I'll be okay to wait. Haha- hope and trust don't work that way.. not at all!

So, in the past I did a great job at sticking around for things I could control or understand, and 'sacrificing to God' that which I didn't (more commonly known as 'walking away'). I thought I was being oh-so-holy when I'd give those things to God. But reality was that God was asking me to climb up on that altar myself and wait on Him. Ouch! Who wants to be a burnt sacrifice?

So, I've been learning what waiting means and looks like. Waiting doesn't mean laying on the ground, watching for the grass to grow. It doesn't mean ramming your head on a wall over and over as you 'pray' (yell) and give things to the Lord. It doesn't mean turning your heart off, ignoring things, and trying to manage life without. It means humble prayers; trust in God. It means remembering that your heart is still beating, there is breath in your body, and life is happening. It means you wait on the Lord, without waiting being the defining factor of yourself and your life.

Have you ever met someone who had received some bad health news in their youth, and they allowed the words of the doctor to control their life, even though it had been 25 years and they were still alive and going strong? Have you ever met someone who fought a hard battle against some odds, only to fail.. but the real defeat was that they gave up and stopped trying? Those sorts of waits mark our culture and our time! Where is our faith, our hope, our fight, our passion, our waiting?

I confess it's hard to be nearly 28 and single. Life hasn't happened as I'd planned or hoped. I often look in the mirror and feel any youth and beauty still left in my body is being wasted- where's my husband to enjoy that? How many childless women wonder why they have all the right 'equipment', motherly personality, and passion for motherhood, but no child? Gifts, talents, skills that go unused and unappreciated. A struggle to 'fit in' someplace after living overseas- where's home now? But I don't want to be 'that person'! Yes, my heart has longings, but my life is wasted if those become my focus in the waiting. One of my all time favorite verses has always been: 'Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.' That's where my waiting is- delighting in the Lord.. He knows my deepest desires- things I don't even know exist. And worshiping Him in the waiting is the only (I repeat: only) way to achieve all that my heart longs for. Sure, I could go out and marry today, have 9 kids, build a large house, and find a way to utilize all my gifts and talents.. But what happens to my heart? How does it not die in the process? How does all my rushing about not leave me emptier than I was in the desert of waiting?

Oh, Abba- how hard it is to wait! How hard to trust You for things my eyes and heart can't see and understand! How I'm so much like Jonah, ready to die when I can't control or get my way.. Why can't I just delight in You, trust You, and live with all my might as I wait on You? Help me, for my eyes are too dim, my faith much too small, and my wandering heart too restless to be still and quiet. You, and You alone, are all I hope for! Remind me..

Prayer

(wrote this ages ago, but for some reason never posted it..)

I realize that the title of this blog isn't catchy or attention grabbing. It's simply one word; a word that most of us don't want to hear about or think about cos it summons guilt. However, it is what has very much been on my heart lately. I'd like to invite you to take a few minutes to watch probably my favorite Youtube video I've ever seen. It's hard, and it's convicting...but it's worth it!

There was a time when I prayed a lot, but none of those prayers were all that legit. You see, I was praying with my head and not my heart. I can vividly remember the day when all that changed. I was sitting in the closet of my dorm room during my senior year of college. I had my list of people and circumstances that needed prayer in front of me. However, I only made it to one of those- a member of my family that was going through a really hard time. As I prayed for deliverance, freedom, hope, restoration, etc. a weird thing began to happen: tears rolled down my cheeks and turned into sobs erupting from my chest. I remember apologizing to God for ruining prayer time with all these emotions... And then He gently spoke to my heart, then and in the days to come, "This is what it's all about; prayer touching your heart to the point of feeling and acting on the behalf of someone else!" Intercession!

That day seems long, long ago, but the lesson learned has stuck with me. It's the lesson spoken of in the video above. Anguish. Discomfort. Grief. Bearing the burden of another. Things that don't come natural to us humans. Especially in this day and age. We're creatures of comfort! Of convenience. And truly we can be; technology affords us any comfort and ease our hearts so desire! We're one of the most selfish people groups this world has ever known, here in the West... But that's a rant for another day and another blog! However, look how that plays out in our prayer lives: We offer prayer like a condolence, a parting of ways when someone's struggling. It sort of reminds me of how I toss out a friendly: "How are you?" when I see someone I know and don't really expect an answer. Both parties know that person will likely not be praying for them or for anything else. I've seen it demonstrated over and over these past few years when someone tells me they'll pray for something or someone in Kosovo and when I see them again they can't even remember me even talking about said thing. I'm guilty of it too. But I think the heart of the issue is a bit deeper...

I remember in high school watching an old war movie (you know, the boring ones they're allowed to show- documentary style) on WWII. Part of it was in regards to the villages surrounding the concentration camps, and how they 'didn't know that one mile (or less) away was one of those camp'. I remembering being in shock over this bit of information. Thousands upon thousands of bodies being burned, the cries of starvation, torture, and death echoing out, people escaping... How could they not know? But there's this part of our brain that shuts off when it gets overwhelmed. A young woman abused as a child with no recollection of the abuse. How's that possible? Her mind blocked it out- it was too horrific and painful to process and feel. We treat this world the same way. People have told me, to my face, "I'd rather not know those things", "I don't know how you lived there, saw those things, or did that", "I can't handle thinking about all that." I've always been sweet and attempted a smile, even changed the subject...all while seething internally. How can you just not know? How can you just not care? How can you try and tune it all out? IT'S THE WORLD! This place where you live. I'm talking about a person; not one ounce made from anything different than yourself! Blows my mind that someone could call themselves a Christian and turn their head away! Read the Old Testament- nearly every rebuke has to do with this same issue. Ignoring the orphan, forgetting the plight of the widow, oppressing the foreigner, not helping, not giving, not caring, being self-focused and driven...What about God? What about His heart? Read the Gospels and see who Jesus loved and spent time with!

I get it. I get that it's overwhelming, uncomfortable, awkward, and requires a lot. And I think God would expect us to do nothing, cos truly we can't, if it was left up to ourselves. But He didn't leave us that way. We have prayer, and we have the Holy Spirit. There is power beyond measure and what I can write on this page in both of those things!

John Hyde, at the end of his life, would pray for God to save 4 souls a day through his life and words. And he would pray each night until God gave him the peace that He was going to do that the next day...and it would happen! George Mueller never let a single request pass his lips except in prayer; he ran 4 homes for hundreds of orphans, pastored a church, and did countless other ministries. No child ever went hungry. And the money that is recorded in his log books is astronomical- all given as a result of Mueller's prayers. Or take the revivals that swept through Europe or the US- they were rooted in people praying night and day. Or Charles Spurgeon, Jonathon Edwards, Charles Finnley...these great men would spend hours (sometimes all day) on their knees in anguish for those around them. Where are these warriors today? Why am I not following in their footsteps? Why do I allow Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, games on my phone, or whatever 'straws' I decide to grasp at to fill my time distract me all day long? Half-hearted prayers fill my life. "God, please save so and so. Please rescue this person from this addiction. Would You provide for him? Be near her..." A mere sentence here and there throughout my day. No, that's not wrong, but where is my heart? Where are my tears? Where's the anguish; the battling for another person on my knees? Where is my love?

I guess it all boils down to this: if I really believe what I say I believe, wouldn't it show up more in my worship of the Lord through prayer? Do I believe in hell? Yes! But am I praying for the lost that encircle my life on a daily basis? Do I truly believe in the freedom and life offered in Christ? Yes! What of those around me that have yet to experience that? Do I love the kids God has put in my path? What about the people my friends serving the Lord around the globe ask for prayer for? How can I pass all this by without letting it penetrate my heart, mind, and soul?

May the Lord raise up a generation humble enough to seek His face in prayer to the point that it's as natural as breathing in and out!!

Passion and Courage

This is one of those blogs that feels like a thought about to explode inside you, and if you don't get it out somehow, it will damage something internally. So, here goes..

At the summer's end I'll have been home a year from Kosovo. What a year it has been! Processing, hurting, growing, learning, wanting to sit down and quit, and an immense amount of prayer. You see, I left Kosovo because I knew the Lord was drawing me home. Part of my 'knowing' that was I felt like I had collapsed and failed at every thing I'd been passionate about doing before I moved there. 'Burn out' is what they call it. That title provided me some comfort as I was wrapping things up, because it helped me to feel not so alone in my retreating back 'home'. But this past year has been a relentless plaguing of my heart and mind over what truly happened.

I've been reading a powerful book called: Chasing the Dragon. It's one woman's story about following the Lord to Hong Kong, loved the people there, and watched the Lord move in a powerful way. But the most impactful portion of the book for me has been her description of the 'long-term' missionaries. People who'd been there for a long, long time. Folks who knew the 'appropriate' way of 'doing church'. Older, more experienced, and quick to share their 'wisdom' with everyone. She talks about her full passion slowly turning into whether it was appropriate to wear this sort of clothes, be seen with these sorts of people, and what she was going to bring to the church's picnic on Sunday afternoon. Not all bad stuff, but missing the point entirely! These older, wise people would often explain how there was sort of 'spiritual cloud' hanging over Hong Kong.. this is why people weren't getting saved.

I read these paragraphs and wept. Almost word for word, I could have written that! One of the girls that joined my team expressed it like this: "I feel like everyone has clipped my wings off once I came here!" Full of life, passion, boldness, and courage people go out, only to encounter a list of 'things that work', 'do this, don't do this', and 'how God is moving here'. Please don't hear me trying to bash older, more experienced missionaries. That's not my heart at all! But I do think that so often there is a rebuke for the youthful, for the passionate, for those who step out in what they think is faith and make a mess. But where is that for the 'wing clippers' in our midst?

Is it any surprise that some of the most awesome miracles of the Bible that we think of and talk about are done by youthful, young, passionate people? People who hadn't had their 'wings clipped' and had God put into a box yet? David. Mary. Joseph. Gideon. Samson. Esther. Yes, there were those like Moses, Abraham, Paul, etc that God put through an intense maturing process before He used them. He uses both! But I think the focus is often put, in the church, on the mature, wise believers as the pillars. But the mistake in that is to only allow them to be the pillars. Too much wisdom, maturity, and experience breeds stagnation!

These last days I have felt the same fears, failures, and discouragements I felt while I was living in Kosovo. You see, I'm fearful enough on my own! The only boldness I have had can't be accredited as coming from within me. It was derived from the Lord, and mostly me following another person. Some brave soul, who knew how BIG and awesome our God was, and stepped out in faith. But when the people around me aren't brave, bold, or living by faith, I find my natural tendency is to want to sit down and join them (probably my own sin). But who is this God I serve? Is it not the same God who parted a sea? Who created the entire universe? Who knit my own being together? Who slayed giants, shut mouths of lions, feeds the tiny sparrows? Who knew what it would take to bring abundance, joy, hope, and life to a broken, lost world, and then died to provide that? Who is this God? Do I even know Him if I'm content to sit on the sidelines??

Stagnation. One of my biggest fears. Because it essentially says I've stuck God into my own box of understanding and am too fearful to embark outside my comfort zone. It says I don't believe that God is who He says He is. That He can do what He says He can do. And that I am who He says I am.

'Surround me, O Abba, with people who remind me of You. Who en-courage (put courage within me) to be bold and powerful in Your Spirit. Who know You as You are and are passionate about spreading that! Strip me of all fears that leave me sitting on the sidelines. Empower me to walk by faith, to expect You to move in might, and believe and pray to that end, even when my eyes and heart don't see or understand! Amen'

You Know It's Been Too Long...

when the entire set up of the blogging world has changed, and you were clueless!

Here's to trying to figure out how to blog again!!

For Joy?

I have issues.. lots of them, actually. One of them effects my life greatly. It doesn't really have a name, because it's comprised of many factors: pride, fear, control.. I could list a lot of things out there!! But basically it comes down to telling God 'no' when He lays something on my heart. Sad, right? Okay.. it's honestly more than sad. It's weird, pathetic, and crazy! I mean, my entire life has been devoted to 'following God', so to tell Him no doesn't really fit or make much sense there. But I do still.

The thing is that I know when I do it. I don't know if everyone has that ability, but I sure do! God has given me a sensitive heart to Him and His leading. Mostly I value that and think it's great. Sometimes, like today, I really hate it.. Why? Because He told me to do something (pull my car over and talk to the lady waiting at the bus stop with a sad face- see: awkward, crazy, and not in my agenda) and I said no. As I kept on driving, my argument and defenses piled on high. But it didn't stop there, the guilt came rushing forward as well. You see, I remember each time I tell the Lord no. No, I won't hold my tongue! No, I not extend that grace to that mean person! No, I won't help the Roma lady carry her heavy bundle of collected garbage home! No, I won't go visit my neighbor! No, I won't.. It makes me sad to remember each of these instances. And remembering them isn't something I'm too keen on doing, so I try to avoid such thoughts.. until God tells me another something I resist. Then they all rush out again!

So, today as I continued to drive home, I began to think about why I was so resistant to talk to the woman at the bus stop. I mean, I often prayer walk in that part of the city. I often talk with strangers. I purposely go down to that part of the city to love on and minister to those in need. So, why tell God NO today? Saddest answer ever: it wasn't in my 'comfort' box that I like God to stay within... I like to plan and prepare myself for loving others. I like to be ready for things. Acting and living 'in the Spirit' is the least natural thing for me!

So, the more I drove, the more a verse kept coming to mind: "Who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising its shame..." (Hebrews 12) Maybe it is Easter weekend, but maybe it's more to do with that's my problem: a lack of joy? If I were to approach life through the lenses Christ did, maybe I'd not have such a long 'no' list haunting my heart. There is probably something in the death of Christ and Him facing the cross that we all fear or dread. Death? Pain and suffering? Bearing the sin for something you didn't do? Being abandoned and rejected by those you love most? Humiliation? Pretty much a lot of things outside my 'comfortable' box zone!! But He faced it all with JOY.. with joy, folks, with joy! And that concept alone is enough to blow my mind. Enough to dwell and meditate on for a few lifetimes.

So, maybe I'm not too great at being obedient all the time. Maybe I'm a really bad follower. But I'm learning. I'm praying to live by the Spirit. I'm praying to approach these things with joy. And praying for 42nd chances and grace. For God to keep putting people in my path, making me really uncomfortable, and being relentless in the pursuit of my heart. I need that, and I need Him.. and His joy!

Understanding Why

Today I went and got my car inspected. As I was sitting there in suspense over whether the recent problems it had been having would fail it, the gentleman across the room began to chat with me. Older man, masters degree, sixty-eight, successful career and life. Eventually he tired of detailing his life and family's successes. Then came the question: 'What did you get your degree in and are you using it?' I explained a bit about Kosove and now working in the inner city. His face turned contemplative. He was quiet for about half a minute (normal response), and then asked what most people ask first: 'Is it safe over there?' Post-communism. Post-war. Musl'm country. American mindset: it must be dangerous and you must be crazy! Quick subject change following my answer...

A few weeks ago I began to go to a local chiropractor to sort out my back (finally!). He was very friendly and inquisitive into why my back was so bad, asking about recent stresses, about Kosove, etc. Halfway through my chatting with him, he brought up a young woman who'd been recently released after being held hostage for months. She was an aid worker in the M'ddle East. He responded: 'I've always wondered what sort of person would go into situations like that and do things like that. I always thought they were not all with it... And now here one sits in my office!'

This morning I was shocked and upset to discover Jeremiah Small, a family friend from childhood, had been murdered in Ir'q. Shot to death by one of his students... Today feels a bit of a blur. Why questions circulate at the forefront of my mind. They're endless- plaguing every step of my day... And most will remain unanswered on this side of eternity. But that doesn't leave me alone with them and without Shalom or hope.

Ringing in my mind is Operation Auca, or as you may recognize more readily, the murder of Jim Eliott, Nate Saint, Ed McCully, Pete Fleming, and Roger Youderian by the hands of a tribe in Ecuador. And stories of those such as Adoniram Judson, Hudson Taylor, David Brainerd, and others haunt my thoughts. So many in this life time never see the fruit of their (entire) life investments. Every single person I've ever come in contact with pales in comparison to these giants of the faith- in terms of counting the cost and devoting everything on the altar unto the Lord... And, in some cases, never seeing a single reward for any of it. But their death triggered an outpouring of Light beyond what an human can comprehend or even ever take credit for. God was at work for His Name, His Glory, His Fame, His Renown, His Praise, All of Himself to All the World. But just as John the Baptist was simply left with: 'Blessed are those who don't take offense from Me' on his death bed, so these men and women die with questions and maybe even feeling betrayed or wasted...

As I wrestle with my countless 'whys' today, I'm left with a hunger and massive desire to cry out to the Lord on behalf of Ir'q. May Jeremiah's life and testimony among the students and people there not be in vain. May he be rejoicing in heaven now and in the years to come over the lives saved, changed, and restored to their Creator and Lover...through his death! Will you join me in fasting and crying out for the Lord to work, to move, to fill that land with His presence?

Count the cost! Devote your everything on the altar to Him! And then hang on tight as you follow faithfully- whatever the outcome!

Weakness

There are many wonderful verses in God's Word about weaknesses. I've heard them all my life; even memorized a great many of them. But if the truth be told, I don't have a clue what most of them mean. Logically, I can form the equation and make it make sense in my mind. But going deeper than that, truly laying the Scripture over my heart and own life, I don't get them.

You see, I'm a very strong person- stubborn, proud, independent, controlling, perserverant, a fighter...whatever flavor you want it to have. These traits have progressed from possessing a sin nature, remnants of the life I've had, and just the personality God created me with. Ever since I can recall, if there was something I was passionate about or put my heart to pursue, I'd do everything in my power to fight to achieve or win the battle for whatever it was. Example (not me boasting, but rather displaying my own stupidity): my senior year in college. I was determined (for personal, but mainly scholarship reasons) to finish university in 4 years. I took 27 hours (the normal limit is 18) my last semester, taught preschool, was a Resident Assistant to a hall of girls, co-lead a home group at my church, and was the leader of the Habitat for Humanity group on campus... My average night's sleep was around 4 hours, and by the end of all that I crashed. But I was proud of myself- I'd done what I'd set out to do... And life has always been looked at like this for me, through these black and white lenses. If you feel God placing a burden on your heart, go, give it all you have, and don't pay attention to the pain! And so I went, three years ago, to Kosovo with this mindset... what ensued was what has brought me to the broken, more humbled state I'm at today.

I boarded a plan bound for Holland for two weeks of training with a severe stomach virus. The sickness persisted the entire two weeks there and continued (being added to with a nice addition of bronchitis and laryngitis) on into my second two weeks of training in Albania. I lost so much weight, couldn't talk, barely could climb the stairs to where our meetings were being held, or even open a bottle of water. I was utterly pathetic! The mission organization I'd joined had a staff meeting as to whether they thought they should send me home or not (after I'd gotten up to share my testimony and just stood there weeping). Not really someone you'd want on your field, huh? And through the tears and questioning, all God would tell me was this: 'Your outside illnesses are going to match your inside heart issues until you deal with them!' You see, I'd not only boarded a plane to go somewhere, I also boarded a plane to leave somewhere. I was leaving my mom who was about to have a dangerous surgery that the doctors didn't expect her to live through, a brother who was getting married soon, and a whole slew of other things... Going to an unknown place, not knowing a soul in that part of the world. And I was 'okay'- I decided I'd face these things as they came and ignore them in the meanwhile.

I eventually did get better from those awful bugs and illnesses, but that time in training foreshadowed my next three years. God laid me flat! I can probably go back through all those years and take you month by month to huge, painful happenings that knocked me to my knees. I often put it like this in my journal: 'I feel like I stand up, only to have You knock me down again.' And not just certain situations, but it felt like nothing was in my power or reach to achieve. Example: it's always been a dream of mine to be fluent in another language. Now was my chance! I was sooo excited. I started to catch on quick; picking up phrases and words. People even told me I had a perfect accent and if I would stay longer my Albanian would be flawless... In spite of fighting with all my strength for two years to fully learn the language, it didn't happen. Crazy circumstances that were just downright absurd happened instead, and at the end of three years I felt so stupid and like a failure. Or another example: it's also been another dream of mine to have a house that I could decorate and be excited to live in. When I came back home to the US to raise more support, after living there one year, I spent a lot of time finding bargains on light weight things to fill another suitcase with to take back. I'd originally gone over with only one suitcase. Taking two back this time wasn't too much to ask, right? After all, all the other people I'd been working with had brought like 37 crates or even shipped a huge container... In Paris the flight crew wouldn't let me even try to pay to take it- it had to stay in Paris. My friend tried to ship me the stuff, but one box never made it and the other was in a plastic bag with most of the things missing. That blow felt huge- why can someone bring an entire household of things over, and God doesn't allow my one measly suitcase to make it?!?

These are merely two examples of dozens of ridiculous things that happened during the past few years. And it all left me a bit bitter and questioning God last winter. The last straw was water running down the walls of my bedroom (newly painted, nonetheless) and freezing. It was mainly only doing this in my bedroom... I can't express the pain and death I felt inside me at that moment. My failures and shortcomings during my time on the mission field weren't because I wasn't strong or smart enough- it was because Someone had allowed them to come, and I needed to fail! That left me a bit angry and unsettled, asking a lot of questions that began with: 'why...' Through a medical crisis, I ended up back home, going to counseling. During this time God began to remove the blindfold from my eyes.

It's too long to detail all the lessons and things God has revealed to me during the past months of healing and processing. But those verses are beginning to make sense. God didn't take me overseas to become fluent in a language or make a perfect home or be a part of His salvation to millions- He took me there to mold me, shape me to be more like Him, and yes, break me. Break me of my own strength, my independence, my pride, my idol of success... And He's been teaching me to rest, to be still, to quite striving, to release control, and just trust (Him mostly, but also others). It's been a long process, and I'm still quite in the midst of it all. But the verse hanging over my bed, that used to haunt my heart, is becoming my refuge:

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

- II Corinthians 12:9

Flash Back: Feb 3, 2009

Found this while going through old files on my computer (this was 6 months after leaving the US)...

My heart hasn’t been in journaling lately, so I thought I’d try pouring out my heart on here and see if that helps me. I do have much to write about; so much has gone on in my heart and in my life as of late. Honestly, I am angry on the inside most of the time lately. Today I was reading through Romans 12 trying to discover the root of my problem. I think I found it: me and my own foolish pride. I know that sounds simple, but really it is the problem.

I came here to Kosove thinking one thing; my ministry was going to be this and that and not this or that. Well, I got here and nothing has been like planned. I find myself feeling trapped in a place and expected to do things I don’t want to. The story of someone at my conference in Holland keeps coming back to my mind. He joined my organization thinking he’d learned so much and done so much already in life; he had much to offer. Well, he got put in the kitchen peeling potatoes and washing dishes- hardly anything fit for one of his expertise. I sort of laughed the story off back then, but now it rings true. I have been through Bible school, have a degree in Psych, been raised in the church, had oodles of experience working with children, etc. And yet here I am: assisting in an Art class, speaking words that I am told to speak to give them a proper accent in an English class, leading the motions for songs for the children’s meeting, sitting in on a girl’s meeting- not knowing what questions they are asking or what is being said, and sitting alone in the library for 4 hours once a week. Hardly worth me coming all the way to Kosove for, right? Well, that is the root of my heart problem: why am I here? Anyone can do the things I am doing. There is no creativity, no real heart involvement, no making any decisions or choices on my own. So, due to that root problem, another one arises. Why in the world am I putting myself through sheer torture of being here and being a part of this team if I am not being effective? That menial amount of ministry isn’t worth the painfulness of all the rest. But as I met with You today, I heard You say: 'maybe ministry isn’t the important thing in your life right now.' So, I guess I am in training right now...


Guess I was! Looking back, it provided a good foundation of humility for all that laid ahead next. The story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with the little boy's lunch rings so true of my heart during this time. The little boy gave all he had, and then watched as Jesus turned away...and broke it all into pieces! How he must have felt. He'd given everything as a blessing to the Great Teacher, the Master he'd traveled miles to see. And his gift, his offering was seemingly treated with disdain. But the thing unknown was that that gift, that offering was being broken to be multiplied- to bless and feed many. 


How often that is our lives. We give them to God as an offering. But we give them with some expectations or hopes attached. We have our dreams and plans, often unbeknownst to us even. But then things often get uncomfortable, hard, or even painful. And we wonder how God could take that gift, everything we humanly possess, and break it or abuse it. But God isn't just after the temporary; for that moment. He's after our ultimate good and His glory... and to achieve that often takes brokenness and pain.


In some ways I find myself here again- in a painful season of life; wondering what in the world God's doing with 'my gift'... And yet the truth of this lesson (accompanied by the hundred others learned while overseas) provides patience, trust, and joy in the middle of difficult circumstances.


Guess I'm in training right now... again :)


(sometimes blogging makes me want to throw my computer across the room- I just spent 20 mins trying to get the font to all look the same...and now I'm done cos I'm done, not cos it looks any better...Boo!)

Reentry

It's been 2 months since I posted! That's surprising for this blog...however, not so much for where I'm at in life. There's so much to say, and yet nothing at all. These past months have been spent seeing family, doing random things for cash, looking for a job, praying a lot, and trying to follow Him towards what's next. The hardest part has been feeling young, 'just out of college' again... Only back then I had a big dream (to move overseas), and now I have a shattered dream (great book: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb). It's not at all a bad place to be; just rough. And it makes searching out God's heart and His dream a bit more difficult, and me a bit more hesitant. It's just a season, though- that's my motto at the moment! A season to be learned from. A season to be treasured, as hard as that is. A season to be well spent. A season to share with others- now and one day with maybe a deeper wisdom.

So, as I struggle to believe that all the things from the past 3 years were true and really, indeed happened. As I wrestle with not being able to look through any pictures of friends and kids I worked with. As I weep over what was and no longer is. As I remember the hard lessons God taught and who I am because of that. As I try not to block it all out cos it doesn't fit in with society here so well, and I often feel different and awkward... God is here! He was here 4 years ago. He knew these moments before they even began. He's outside of time. And He's in tomorrow- even though I have no clue what will transpire then!

Trust... Guess that would be the one word I could sum up this reentry process in. Do you trust Me? Do you entrust yourself, your doubts, your fears, your failures, your pains, your joys, your triumphs, your anxieties... to Me? Do you believe I'm after your good? Do you believe that I'm loving? Will you let your heart be held fully by Me...whatever comes? Trust!

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, BUT you would have none of it.'"
-Isaiah 30:15 (my cling-to verse during these past weeks)

The choices before and after this passage were walling yourself in or fleeing- I've been guilty of both. But what freedom I've found in repenting, resting, being still and quiet, and simply trusting! :)

Goodbye Kosovo!

So, I left Kosovo the other day (am currently taking a bit of time to transition to being back home in Belgium with some good friends). It was pretty much one of the hardest things I've ever done. Leaving the US was pretty hard for many reasons, but I knew I'd be back one day really soon. Maybe things wouldn't be the same, but part of it would still feel like home, if that makes sense. First of all, there's no guarantee I'll be back to Kosovo (though I so much hope to be!). And second, every aspect of life there will be vastly different. My kids will all be grown- some married, some in university, or some stagnant. My team will be drastically changed. My city has been on the up and up of modern improvements being implemented, so it will feel very 'un-homey' to me. I don't know... I just have such special memories of Kosovo, of people there, of my team, of my house (it was the first place that felt like 'mine' and like home, per se)! It wasn't always easy or pain-free, but I think the richer things in life aren't ever easily had or found...

So, there is my two cents as I am trying to find the way forward during these difficult days that lay ahead. I covet your prayers and am eager to see each one of you! Big hugs until then..

Lessons on Love

Ok, for starters- I hate dogs- bear that in mind as you read!

My city at the base of the mountains!

I love my city here- it's is the most beautiful place I've ever lived! It is at the base of the Rugova Gorge. Such a lovely place to picnic, take a hike, or simply stroll through. However, the past few outings I've had there have been less than peaceful! All thanks to a dog...

I shudder at the thought of even having to describe this gross creature- ugh! The first time I saw it he was lying on the side of the narrow road (tall mountains on either side, not much room = not a good place to be laying!). From a distance I could see that he was mostly bald from mange and the hair he did have was matted and dirty. As he turned his head, I almost lost it! It was a scene out of some horror movie- eyes that were bleeding...literally! I'm guessing he saw compassion or something in me as I was jogging by, because he got up and tried to follow me. Only he'd been hit by a vehicle and his back leg was badly broken. He was a sack of skin and bones...

I remember praying a lot on that jog: "Oh God, can you just kill that thing and put it out of its misery! Please make it stop following me. Oh dear Lord, please don't let it be there when I come back; I can't stomach that!" But he was there when I returned...Only he was too exhausted to even lift his head this time. I thought surely he'd be dead soon. I forgot about him...until about a week later I was driving up to camp. There he was, a bit further down the road. How in the world was he still alive living on the side of a busy road, with nothing to eat around? But I've seen him a number of times this summer. And even when I don't see him, I worry that I am going to see him...it sort of ruins my trip to Rugova for some peace and quiet reflection...

Fall here is breathtaking!

Okay, so, what was all that about? Why go into such depth and detail about a nasty, disgusting dog? Great question! As I was hiking up there yesterday, silently worrying about an encounter with him around each bend, I had a thought. Isn't that life? I've noticed it a lot since coming over here. People love to hear about the fun, culturally different, even funny, things about my time over here. I can dredge up some pretty entertaining stories. But when I begin to talk about the need of the people here. How life is for most villagers and gypsies. Or about religious obligations that enslave people. Heads turn. Ears close. Eyes glaze over. A subject change happens quick. I see it all the time. And I don't think it's not that people don't care or don't want to know. I think it's a bit like that dog was for me: overwhelming! Where would I even begin to help him? Feed him something one day, he's just as much in need the next day. Give him a bath (cringe!), what would that solve? And so it feels in regards to AIDS in Africa. Orphans in South America. Wars in the Middle East. Trafficking in Asia. Or whatever you want to pick out from the world news. Overwhelmed? Don't know how to begin? Would it even matter?

The US is very 'bubble-ish'...What I mean is that we can ignore these things, because truly we can ignore them. They don't touch our immediate lives or spheres. It takes a lot of effort to be knowledgeable about what's going on in the world and a lot of money to go visit one of those places. Most never have and never will... But something from nearly each page of the Word of God challenges that: Love the Widow! Care for the Orphan! Provide for those in Need! Be His hands. Live as He lived. Walk where He walked. See as He saw. Love as He loved! Don't turn your head away and ignore it all...

It's not at all comfortable. It's not at all easy, in any way. It's not beautiful or elegant. And you won't likely be applauded or even accepted in most places for living like that...But in the scheme of things- do those things matter? Aren't you called to Love Him with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength and Love your neighbor likewise? The two greatest commands! And who is my neighbor other than the least of these?

So, there you have it...my ramblings from a long hike, past a revolting and disgusting dog yesterday!