ready to be harvested

Weakness

2011-11-26T14:50:00.000-08:00

There are many wonderful verses in God's Word about weaknesses. I've heard them all my life; even memorized a great many of them. But if the truth be told, I don't have a clue what most of them mean. Logically, I can form the equation and make it make sense in my mind. But going deeper than that, truly laying the Scripture over my heart and own life, I don't get them.

You see, I'm a very strong person- stubborn, proud, independent, controlling, perserverant, a fighter...whatever flavor you want it to have. These traits have progressed from possessing a sin nature, remnants of the life I've had, and just the personality God created me with. Ever since I can recall, if there was something I was passionate about or put my heart to pursue, I'd do everything in my power to fight to achieve or win the battle for whatever it was. Example (not me boasting, but rather displaying my own stupidity): my senior year in college. I was determined (for personal, but mainly scholarship reasons) to finish university in 4 years. I took 27 hours (the normal limit is 18) my last semester, taught preschool, was a Resident Assistant to a hall of girls, co-lead a home group at my church, and was the leader of the Habitat for Humanity group on campus... My average night's sleep was around 4 hours, and by the end of all that I crashed. But I was proud of myself- I'd done what I'd set out to do... And life has always been looked at like this for me, through these black and white lenses. If you feel God placing a burden on your heart, go, give it all you have, and don't pay attention to the pain! And so I went, three years ago, to Kosovo with this mindset... what ensued was what has brought me to the broken, more humbled state I'm at today.

I boarded a plan bound for Holland for two weeks of training with a severe stomach virus. The sickness persisted the entire two weeks there and continued (being added to with a nice addition of bronchitis and laryngitis) on into my second two weeks of training in Albania. I lost so much weight, couldn't talk, barely could climb the stairs to where our meetings were being held, or even open a bottle of water. I was utterly pathetic! The mission organization I'd joined had a staff meeting as to whether they thought they should send me home or not (after I'd gotten up to share my testimony and just stood there weeping). Not really someone you'd want on your field, huh? And through the tears and questioning, all God would tell me was this: 'Your outside illnesses are going to match your inside heart issues until you deal with them!' You see, I'd not only boarded a plane to go somewhere, I also boarded a plane to leave somewhere. I was leaving my mom who was about to have a dangerous surgery that the doctors didn't expect her to live through, a brother who was getting married soon, and a whole slew of other things... Going to an unknown place, not knowing a soul in that part of the world. And I was 'okay'- I decided I'd face these things as they came and ignore them in the meanwhile.

I eventually did get better from those awful bugs and illnesses, but that time in training foreshadowed my next three years. God laid me flat! I can probably go back through all those years and take you month by month to huge, painful happenings that knocked me to my knees. I often put it like this in my journal: 'I feel like I stand up, only to have You knock me down again.' And not just certain situations, but it felt like nothing was in my power or reach to achieve. Example: it's always been a dream of mine to be fluent in another language. Now was my chance! I was sooo excited. I started to catch on quick; picking up phrases and words. People even told me I had a perfect accent and if I would stay longer my Albanian would be flawless... In spite of fighting with all my strength for two years to fully learn the language, it didn't happen. Crazy circumstances that were just downright absurd happened instead, and at the end of three years I felt so stupid and like a failure. Or another example: it's also been another dream of mine to have a house that I could decorate and be excited to live in. When I came back home to the US to raise more support, after living there one year, I spent a lot of time finding bargains on light weight things to fill another suitcase with to take back. I'd originally gone over with only one suitcase. Taking two back this time wasn't too much to ask, right? After all, all the other people I'd been working with had brought like 37 crates or even shipped a huge container... In Paris the flight crew wouldn't let me even try to pay to take it- it had to stay in Paris. My friend tried to ship me the stuff, but one box never made it and the other was in a plastic bag with most of the things missing. That blow felt huge- why can someone bring an entire household of things over, and God doesn't allow my one measly suitcase to make it?!?

These are merely two examples of dozens of ridiculous things that happened during the past few years. And it all left me a bit bitter and questioning God last winter. The last straw was water running down the walls of my bedroom (newly painted, nonetheless) and freezing. It was mainly only doing this in my bedroom... I can't express the pain and death I felt inside me at that moment. My failures and shortcomings during my time on the mission field weren't because I wasn't strong or smart enough- it was because Someone had allowed them to come, and I needed to fail! That left me a bit angry and unsettled, asking a lot of questions that began with: 'why...' Through a medical crisis, I ended up back home, going to counseling. During this time God began to remove the blindfold from my eyes.

It's too long to detail all the lessons and things God has revealed to me during the past months of healing and processing. But those verses are beginning to make sense. God didn't take me overseas to become fluent in a language or make a perfect home or be a part of His salvation to millions- He took me there to mold me, shape me to be more like Him, and yes, break me. Break me of my own strength, my independence, my pride, my idol of success... And He's been teaching me to rest, to be still, to quite striving, to release control, and just trust (Him mostly, but also others). It's been a long process, and I'm still quite in the midst of it all. But the verse hanging over my bed, that used to haunt my heart, is becoming my refuge:

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

- II Corinthians 12:9

Flash Back: Feb 3, 2009

2011-11-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

Found this while going through old files on my computer (this was 6 months after leaving the US)...

My heart hasn’t been in journaling lately, so I thought I’d try pouring out my heart on here and see if that helps me. I do have much to write about; so much has gone on in my heart and in my life as of late. Honestly, I am angry on the inside most of the time lately. Today I was reading through Romans 12 trying to discover the root of my problem. I think I found it: me and my own foolish pride. I know that sounds simple, but really it is the problem.

I came here to Kosove thinking one thing; my ministry was going to be this and that and not this or that. Well, I got here and nothing has been like planned. I find myself feeling trapped in a place and expected to do things I don’t want to. The story of someone at my conference in Holland keeps coming back to my mind. He joined my organization thinking he’d learned so much and done so much already in life; he had much to offer. Well, he got put in the kitchen peeling potatoes and washing dishes- hardly anything fit for one of his expertise. I sort of laughed the story off back then, but now it rings true. I have been through Bible school, have a degree in Psych, been raised in the church, had oodles of experience working with children, etc. And yet here I am: assisting in an Art class, speaking words that I am told to speak to give them a proper accent in an English class, leading the motions for songs for the children’s meeting, sitting in on a girl’s meeting- not knowing what questions they are asking or what is being said, and sitting alone in the library for 4 hours once a week. Hardly worth me coming all the way to Kosove for, right? Well, that is the root of my heart problem: why am I here? Anyone can do the things I am doing. There is no creativity, no real heart involvement, no making any decisions or choices on my own. So, due to that root problem, another one arises. Why in the world am I putting myself through sheer torture of being here and being a part of this team if I am not being effective? That menial amount of ministry isn’t worth the painfulness of all the rest. But as I met with You today, I heard You say: 'maybe ministry isn’t the important thing in your life right now.' So, I guess I am in training right now...

Guess I was! Looking back, it provided a good foundation of humility for all that laid ahead next. The story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with the little boy's lunch rings so true of my heart during this time. The little boy gave all he had, and then watched as Jesus turned away...and broke it all into pieces! How he must have felt. He'd given everything as a blessing to the Great Teacher, the Master he'd traveled miles to see. And his gift, his offering was seemingly treated with disdain. But the thing unknown was that that gift, that offering was being broken to be multiplied- to bless and feed many.

How often that is our lives. We give them to God as an offering. But we give them with some expectations or hopes attached. We have our dreams and plans, often unbeknownst to us even. But then things often get uncomfortable, hard, or even painful. And we wonder how God could take that gift, everything we humanly possess, and break it or abuse it. But God isn't just after the temporary; for that moment. He's after our ultimate good and His glory... and to achieve that often takes brokenness and pain.

In some ways I find myself here again- in a painful season of life; wondering what in the world God's doing with 'my gift'... And yet the truth of this lesson (accompanied by the hundred others learned while overseas) provides patience, trust, and joy in the middle of difficult circumstances.

Guess I'm in training right now... again :)

(sometimes blogging makes me want to throw my computer across the room- I just spent 20 mins trying to get the font to all look the same...and now I'm done cos I'm done, not cos it looks any better...Boo!)

Reentry

2011-11-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

It's been 2 months since I posted! That's surprising for this blog...however, not so much for where I'm at in life. There's so much to say, and yet nothing at all. These past months have been spent seeing family, doing random things for cash, looking for a job, praying a lot, and trying to follow Him towards what's next. The hardest part has been feeling young, 'just out of college' again... Only back then I had a big dream (to move overseas), and now I have a shattered dream (great book: Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb). It's not at all a bad place to be; just rough. And it makes searching out God's heart and His dream a bit more difficult, and me a bit more hesitant. It's just a season, though- that's my motto at the moment! A season to be learned from. A season to be treasured, as hard as that is. A season to be well spent. A season to share with others- now and one day with maybe a deeper wisdom.

So, as I struggle to believe that all the things from the past 3 years were true and really, indeed happened. As I wrestle with not being able to look through any pictures of friends and kids I worked with. As I weep over what was and no longer is. As I remember the hard lessons God taught and who I am because of that. As I try not to block it all out cos it doesn't fit in with society here so well, and I often feel different and awkward... God is here! He was here 4 years ago. He knew these moments before they even began. He's outside of time. And He's in tomorrow- even though I have no clue what will transpire then!

Trust... Guess that would be the one word I could sum up this reentry process in. Do you trust Me? Do you entrust yourself, your doubts, your fears, your failures, your pains, your joys, your triumphs, your anxieties... to Me? Do you believe I'm after your good? Do you believe that I'm loving? Will you let your heart be held fully by Me...whatever comes? Trust!

"This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, BUT you would have none of it.'"
-Isaiah 30:15 (my cling-to verse during these past weeks)

The choices before and after this passage were walling yourself in or fleeing- I've been guilty of both. But what freedom I've found in repenting, resting, being still and quiet, and simply trusting! :)

Goodbye Kosovo!

2011-09-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

So, I left Kosovo the other day (am currently taking a bit of time to transition to being back home in Belgium with some good friends). It was pretty much one of the hardest things I've ever done. Leaving the US was pretty hard for many reasons, but I knew I'd be back one day really soon. Maybe things wouldn't be the same, but part of it would still feel like home, if that makes sense. First of all, there's no guarantee I'll be back to Kosovo (though I so much hope to be!). And second, every aspect of life there will be vastly different. My kids will all be grown- some married, some in university, or some stagnant. My team will be drastically changed. My city has been on the up and up of modern improvements being implemented, so it will feel very 'un-homey' to me. I don't know... I just have such special memories of Kosovo, of people there, of my team, of my house (it was the first place that felt like 'mine' and like home, per se)! It wasn't always easy or pain-free, but I think the richer things in life aren't ever easily had or found...

So, there is my two cents as I am trying to find the way forward during these difficult days that lay ahead. I covet your prayers and am eager to see each one of you! Big hugs until then..

Lessons on Love

2011-08-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, for starters- I hate dogs- bear that in mind as you read!

My city at the base of the mountains!

I love my city here- it's is the most beautiful place I've ever lived! It is at the base of the Rugova Gorge. Such a lovely place to picnic, take a hike, or simply stroll through. However, the past few outings I've had there have been less than peaceful! All thanks to a dog...

I shudder at the thought of even having to describe this gross creature- ugh! The first time I saw it he was lying on the side of the narrow road (tall mountains on either side, not much room = not a good place to be laying!). From a distance I could see that he was mostly bald from mange and the hair he did have was matted and dirty. As he turned his head, I almost lost it! It was a scene out of some horror movie- eyes that were bleeding...literally! I'm guessing he saw compassion or something in me as I was jogging by, because he got up and tried to follow me. Only he'd been hit by a vehicle and his back leg was badly broken. He was a sack of skin and bones...

I remember praying a lot on that jog: "Oh God, can you just kill that thing and put it out of its misery! Please make it stop following me. Oh dear Lord, please don't let it be there when I come back; I can't stomach that!" But he was there when I returned...Only he was too exhausted to even lift his head this time. I thought surely he'd be dead soon. I forgot about him...until about a week later I was driving up to camp. There he was, a bit further down the road. How in the world was he still alive living on the side of a busy road, with nothing to eat around? But I've seen him a number of times this summer. And even when I don't see him, I worry that I am going to see him...it sort of ruins my trip to Rugova for some peace and quiet reflection...

Fall here is breathtaking!

Okay, so, what was all that about? Why go into such depth and detail about a nasty, disgusting dog? Great question! As I was hiking up there yesterday, silently worrying about an encounter with him around each bend, I had a thought. Isn't that life? I've noticed it a lot since coming over here. People love to hear about the fun, culturally different, even funny, things about my time over here. I can dredge up some pretty entertaining stories. But when I begin to talk about the need of the people here. How life is for most villagers and gypsies. Or about religious obligations that enslave people. Heads turn. Ears close. Eyes glaze over. A subject change happens quick. I see it all the time. And I don't think it's not that people don't care or don't want to know. I think it's a bit like that dog was for me: overwhelming! Where would I even begin to help him? Feed him something one day, he's just as much in need the next day. Give him a bath (cringe!), what would that solve? And so it feels in regards to AIDS in Africa. Orphans in South America. Wars in the Middle East. Trafficking in Asia. Or whatever you want to pick out from the world news. Overwhelmed? Don't know how to begin? Would it even matter?

The US is very 'bubble-ish'...What I mean is that we can ignore these things, because truly we can ignore them. They don't touch our immediate lives or spheres. It takes a lot of effort to be knowledgeable about what's going on in the world and a lot of money to go visit one of those places. Most never have and never will... But something from nearly each page of the Word of God challenges that: Love the Widow! Care for the Orphan! Provide for those in Need! Be His hands. Live as He lived. Walk where He walked. See as He saw. Love as He loved! Don't turn your head away and ignore it all...

It's not at all comfortable. It's not at all easy, in any way. It's not beautiful or elegant. And you won't likely be applauded or even accepted in most places for living like that...But in the scheme of things- do those things matter? Aren't you called to Love Him with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength and Love your neighbor likewise? The two greatest commands! And who is my neighbor other than the least of these?

So, there you have it...my ramblings from a long hike, past a revolting and disgusting dog yesterday!

Camp Videos

2011-07-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

I know, I know- I'm sooo behind on videos! I have a million to work on from the music/art tour...and we have another tour coming up in a few weeks again! Yikes...

But here's a few from camp.

Making tortillas from scratch- the girls loved it!

A compilation of the low ropes activities- hilarious!

Beautiful girls- fun camp...

To God be all glory and honor!

The Sweet Life!

2011-07-25T08:46:00.000-07:00

Lovin' my job! I get to hang out and play at camp!! Jealous- well, you should be... This past week we had an incredible camp with 8 girls. We couldn't have asked for a better group! We did so many fun things, talked about their worth in God, beauty, and purity, watched a movie in our PJ's in the tent, ate delicious food, and just pretty much had an amazing time. Keep scrolling down to see what the week looked like.

Craft models (ribbon hairbands).

All the crafts (and yes, there was a boy- actually 4- at camp!).

Get to know you game:

Answer the question your thumb lands on.

Girls from my girls' group! Yay...

Ice cream sundaes- woohoo for sugar!

Ah-mazing food every meal!

Using the Bird's Nest-

built by this group.

Low ropes course-

team building activities.

Super fun and challenging for the girls.

Modeling their hairbands :)

We divided into 2 groups and had a puzzle competition.

Only the puzzles were near impossible...

stupid old pieces that fit everywhere!

My group that...um, well, lost...

Wish I had this array of food each morning for breakfast!

Hanging out at craft time.

We discovered that some of the leaders indeed had trust issues!

Lesson time-

Love this picture!

I got to teach on God's view of beauty and Him as the Creator and lessons I've learned along the way. It was really fun!

This is my look alike...just younger!

Girls from our girls' group :)

Workers at the coffeeshop next door to my house.

My next door neighbor-

how I met her here.

Such a blessing that she came. She kept saying:

"I've never heard any of this before!"

Please join us in praying for her and all these other girls!

Beautiful young ladies!

Thanks for taking the time to look through all those.

Please let their pictures remain on your heart and mind in the coming weeks. These young women have tough decisions to make and live out. Pray also for us as we love on and minister to them!

*camp videos coming soon*

Who Are You?

2011-07-22T09:58:00.000-07:00

There's something I've been wrestling with, chewing on, and trying to figure out for a number of months now. I guess the short version would be to sum it up in identity. However, I am not good at short versions- especially on my blog! :) So, I'll expound a bit more...

These past 3 years I've been living out one of my dreams- to move overseas, love on people, grow with God, and see Him exalted among the nations. It's been a huge passion of mine since I can remember. The title for such a profession is normally referred to as a missionary. About 10 months into my time here, I was asked to lead the team that my organization had here. I did so for a little over a year and a half. During that time, I had the title of team leader. I've worn many other hats during my time here: foreigner, English teacher, aid worker, neighbor, Albanian student, friend, writer, etc. But not only that, I've had tons of other things that defined me in the past: waitress, secretary, psych student, RA, church member, daughter, sister, student, etc. We all have hundreds of things we're good at, we partake in, we study, we work at, or whatever in this life time. We pursue and maybe accomplish dreams. We fail. We climb mountains. We stay in the valley. We run. We sit. We could be defined by those things- in fact, isn't that one of the first things that someone asks you when they meet you? "What do you do? Where do you work? What are you studying..." Why? Well, we want to categorize people. If they don't fit into our perfectly made up boxes it makes us feels slightly uncomfortable to be around them. Did you ever meet someone that answered one of those questions out of the normal way? "What do you do for a living?" "Well, I am a vocational lover." (that's from one of the past team members I had over here) Odd answer- makes you feel weird, interested, or maybe a bit upset that you know they are wanting to draw you into something deeper by forcing another question.

But I'm tired of being defined by titles, jobs, or things. God started me on a journey this past spring to attempt to remove all other titles other than: Follower of Jesus (could also be His Disciple). Everything else is totally secondary! I've not lived the past 3 years (or pretty much ever...) like that, and I've faced the severe consequences and stress of the decisions I've made and the weights I've shouldered to carry. The only weight He gives to carry is to follow Him. To pursue Him above all else. Thus, when He says: "My yoke is light, and my burden easy," He really means it in truth. But we, as people, pick up hundreds of other things to add on...And then complain that He's given us too much to bear.

So, this summer has been one of the best times in my life. Why? Well, not because it's been easy and full of sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies, but because it's been filled with Him. I'm not saying that the past years before, over here, haven't been filled with Him- they've just been clouded up with so much other junk and pressures I knowingly and unknowingly placed on my shoulders. I was important. I was doing great things for God. I was needed by others. I was going places... And all those things and thoughts landed me in one of the worst places I've ever been this past winter: wondering where God was and why He allowed me to be in the place I was. When I came back here, after being in the US this spring, I knew it was going to be rough. I was leaving at the end of the summer, thus stripping myself of nearly all titles I'd been given or given myself. I became a nobody. That is, I became what I should have been all along: A Follower of God and nothing else.

As the summer draws to a close, there is a tension in my heart. Why did it take so long to learn all this? Why do I have to now leave as I'm finally understanding and getting what it means to live on mission? I've had some of the most amazing conversations and things I've been a part of this summer. Things I've dreamed of doing for the past 3 years. What a huge gift from my Beautiful Father to be here and be a part of all this right now.

The longing inside my heart to stay is great. But it's time to move on. To go back home to America... I have so much more peace as I'm preparing to go there- not cuz I have a job lined up, an apartment to move into, or smooth sailing in any arena. But because I know who I am and who I'm following as I go forth. And most days that's enough for my restless, wandering heart!

Traffic Chaos!

2011-07-16T14:18:00.000-07:00

About once a day or so my roommate and I have the privilege of hearing loud honking and angry yelling outside. Many times it draws my attention outward, and I go out on the balcony to witness the chaos below. It's still humorous for me- even after living in this flat for over a year. Driving here takes much talent and isn't for the faint hearted... Watch below for more details.

Fly Away!

2011-07-16T04:48:00.000-07:00

This video was taken yesterday at the end of our carnival for teens. It's the first one I'm uploading, because it seriously cracks me up on so many levels. Example: the little guy at the beginning that is embarrassed for being caught looking down his pants. However, I can't blame him- he'd been through a gross mud pit, a soapy slip and slide, and a ton of other yuck stuff! And then the random boys kicking each other in the bottoms. Watch closely for other funny things! I love these kids...!

Sorry it ends so abruptly, I can't remember what happened, but some sort of chaos near me, and I had to turn of the camera quick- ha! Oh, and click on the video once to watch in on my blog. Click twice to watch it bigger on Youtube. :)

My Day..

2011-07-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

She nearly left, but one of the band members talked her into staying for the carnival we had for local teens today. I'm thinking at this moment she regretted that decision...

Her team- after the mud pit!

Pretty gross. Was glad I was managing the apple bobbing!

There's an amazing painter on the team with the band this time.

She paints while they sing.

Beautiful...simply beautiful!!

You Know...

2011-07-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

you've had a long, really hot day when you arrive home and your undershirt looks a bit like this:

Yeah...that's a bit gross, but it's all I got for now! ;-)

Camp, kid's carnivals, and music/art tours are in full swing- yes, those are all happening at the same time! It's been a lot of fun and I'm rejoicing in God for His love and faithfulness during these long, hot days. I'll be back sometime with all the fun pictures and videos I've been taking... One of these days!

*Oh, and yes, I am laying on my bed, eating candy again- why do you ask? ;-)

Missing Someone...

2011-07-11T06:44:00.000-07:00

...and the family that goes with him!

A Few Pictures

2011-07-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Feeling a bit more rested...after nearly 10 + hours of sleep last night combined with a nap today! I wanted to upload a few pictures from this past week, before I tackle the job of video editing. So, in simpler terms and less work, here's a glimpse at this past week:

Fire twirling on the main road in a village.

An attempt to attract people to come to the show.

She's really talented (from Switzerland).

This is her second time here, and she plans on

returning 2 more times this summer.

The theme was on: Love!

They sang some popular, secular songs and

some songs they'd written about God's love.

The songs also were accompanied with a few dances (with a message) and a drama about the love of the Father in the parable of the prodigal son (only it was a daughter here).

The mornings were spent with a group from a

church plant in another city. Most of my team attends and is on staff at this church. This was the group that served together at the kid's club.

A few members of my team and I.

The first day of the club: 800 children.

Second day: 1,200 kids.

Third: Somewhere around 1,500!

It was a bit of organized chaos...

Keep praying for their hearts and the Gospel they heard!

And lastly (for now):

Back to the band and the show they did on the main street in my city. We have: France, South Africa, Canada, and New Zealand represented in that shot!

Thanks for praying for these things prior to and even now, for the hearts and lives that were impacted (known and unknown to us). You guys are just as much involved here

as I or any other person is!

Sneak Peek...

2011-07-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

This week has been insane! It's 8:30pm on Thursday night and I'm trying to kill time to not go to sleep yet (when that's all I and my body are desiring right now...). So, lucky for my blog, I'm going to spend the forever amount of time it takes to upload 2 videos to give you a glance at what I've been doing this week. I'll post more later on- when I've regained my mind again! :) Until then...I'm just going to lay here on my bed, eating candy (all discipline and resolve have flown out the window right now), and wait for these things to upload.

The kid's club that had over 1,500 kids in attendance that I helped out at a few days this week. You should be careful whenever you volunteer to do anything of that nature- especially when it's with wild, unruly Kosovar kids and you're working the gift table...!

My team helped host a band from Turkey as they were touring the nation of Kosovo. They were here for almost 2 weeks, and did many performances. I was part of 4 of those this past week. The one in the clip here was on the main street in my city a few nights ago. It was a good time, and we hope to have more of these in the near future.

And now it's 9pm...I think I'm going to call it a night! I'll be back in the coming days, but until then: big hugs- miss you guys!

A Friend's Blog

2011-07-06T02:54:00.000-07:00

Since this week is slammed, and I have no time to update or write anything, I thought I'd direct you to a friend's blog to enjoy his latest posts. His name is Dom, and he has great thoughts!

Happy reading:
Dom's Blog!

The Week Ahead

2011-07-04T02:23:00.000-07:00

Do you guys remember when I posted about this? Well, this week is going to be a bit of that same thing. Today my team and I are headed to another village with a co-worker of ours (from another city) and the group he has visiting from Turkey. And then tomorrow we'll be doing a show on the main street of my city. We've prayed a lot leading up to this event, however there is still a high risk in doing it out in the open like this (we'd previously done it in the art theatre and high school). Please join us in praying for God's name to be lifted high and glorified in the coming days and weeks as this tour happens.

I'll post some pictures and videos when I have them and have some time (soon, I hope!).
Thanks!!

PS: Nearly forgot...It's the 4th of July!!! Happy Independence Day to all my American friends out there. I'm doing nothing to celebrate, but I promise I'll be joining in the happiness in my heart :) Eat some good BBQ and watch some fireworks for me!

Birthday :)

2011-06-27T05:15:00.000-07:00

It's so fun to do things out of the ordinary.

And what better time to do that then on the day

celebrating your birthday!

So, welcome to my weekend of 'out of the ordinariness'...

Yay for great Japanese food (see also the video at the end).

This was Saturday's lunch in Prishtina.

Next stop in the capital city:

Thai massages with one of my good friends.

They make you wear funky clothes!

Getting ready for a little taste of heaven on earth!

I'm sooo learning how to give a Thai massage some day...

Another man on my team had my same birthday!!!

His wife prepared amazing steaks, potatoes, and salad for us.

Yummie...!

We were attempting to do a 'jumping' picture,

but none of our cameras were fast enough.

So, here's our cool 'band' shot!

Aka: failed jumping shot...

After dinner with the team I came home and baked some delicious confetti cupcakes from a box mix I had from the US. My roommate and I quickly downed 3 (I won't say who had 2...).

While they were baking, I spent time admiring my beautiful gift from a friend's garden.

Aren't they lovely?

I think everyone should get flowers on their birthday!

Especially hand picked ones :)

A yummie taste of home!

Happy birthday to me- haha!

BUT...here's the real treat for my birthday:

Hanging out with my favorite Kosovar kiddos!

(she's grown up so much in the last years!)

These boys are pretty rough-

the one with my hand around his neck body slammed me

to the ground last time I was out visiting them!

Oh...I love these hugs!

And that is the end to the happy, fun weekend I just had!

Thanks for the birthday wishes and love!

Missing you guys...

Water Troubles!

2011-06-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

For some reason I've gotten used to many difficult parts of living over here...except not having water! Ugh..! Something about not having water just ruins my whole day- I feel like I'm handicapped and it effects everything. Cooking, cleaning, using the restroom, washing up, laundry, dishes, drinking, showering...and a hundred other things you never even think about. Yesterday was such a day and by the end of the day, when the water finally turned back on, I'd had it!

Hmm, is my heart the same when I don't encounter my Living Water and have that Source pumping into my heart all day long? Can I tell at the end of the day if I've 'gone without'? I wish I could say YES for each and every day... God, help me to be able to say YES to that question!

Beginning of Camp

2011-06-22T11:50:00.000-07:00

Being my last summer over here, I've asked to be allowed to lead more camps and be more involved there, as my responsibilities on the team have diminished some. I'm so excited to be able to spend more time up there in the coming weeks. However, a few weeks ago my team and I already took a group of people (that live here) up for a day camp of sorts. We wanted it to be a celebration of them completing the first phase of microbusiness that some of my team members were doing with them. It was a fun day for all of us!

Here's what it included:

Making Fli- the most difficult traditional meal in Kosovo.
Requires at least 2-3 hours to cook over a hot fire!

Waiting patiently!

He's one of my all time favorite Kosovars.

Enjoying each other...AND...

maybe wanting that amazing Land Rover!

We think this picture is so funny-

poor baby!

After lunch my team did a drama.

These two were dabbling with superstition and drinking...

My roommate- The Thief!

And me- The Abuser

(is that how you say that in English?)

Our audience :)

Explaining the drama and depicting what the

opposites are of those things.

Um, can't you tell:

Gospel Presentation!

(we had numerous funny-faced pictures of each of us)

The "Graduation Ceremony".

So excited to finally be able to give out the

rest of the clothes that I brought over with me.

To read more about that, go here.

That's all for now. More camp stuff...

Coming Soon!

Love it...

2011-06-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

I've been working a lot these past days preparing things for some summer camps I'm going to be helping run. During my online search for ideas, I came across this story. It caught my eye, because that is one of my favorite verses. Enjoy:

"An old Christian woman whose age began to tell on her had once known much of the Bible off by heart. Eventually only one precious bit stayed with her, 'I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day' (2 Tim. 1:12). By and by, part of that slipped its hold and she would quietly repeat, "That which I have committed unto Him.' At last, as she hovered on the borderline between this world and heaven, her loved ones noticed her lips moving. They bent down to see if she needed anything. She was repeating over and over again to herself the one word of the text, 'Him, Him, Him.'
She had lost the whole Bible but one word. But she had the whole Bible in that one word."

Life in Pictures

2011-06-08T02:14:00.000-07:00

Aren't the mountains beautiful?

(don't mind the gravestone)

Went to the 9th grade graduation/prom for

some of my favorite girls last night.

My new roommate made me a beautiful hat.

(my sad face was only for being silly)

I'm brining back some hats in September.

Want one??

My beautiful city of Peja!

I can't even begin to describe
how amazing and delicious these were/are.

Yep- cherries are in season here!!

They look young for being born in the early 1900's!

Sadly, I'm guessing the war took place before she died.

She was evacuated and won't be able to be buried here.

Where's Waldo...I mean, Me?

(oops- I ruined the picture!)

The entire family- aunts, g-parents, friends... is buried here!

Just having fun taking pictures :-)

Those are some BIG dandelions!

Guess all things aren't bigger in Texas!!

Formula for some good reading and alone time!

Some of the kids we've been working with for a long time.

They live here.

They're growing up...!

What a doll!

Words aren't needed here.

My two roommates!

Some of my favorites.

There's a lot stacked against these two siblings.

When I first met her she was mute.

She speaks a bit now, but has never been to school.

Bee-yoo-ti-ful!

Profiling: Kosovar Men

2011-06-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

I know that I already talked quite extensively about this culture in regards to men here. But that post was more speaking to the result of things, not dealing with the root causes and underlying problems. So, allow me to expand this topic...

When I first arrived into Kosovo, one of my first thoughts was: 'Wow, living here is going to be a huge temptation!' Everywhere I looked there were ruggedly, handsome guys (many visitors often comment on this as well), all around my age or a bit younger. It didn't take long to dispel that thought... But the reality of that has lived on, but now I understand why. First off, this is a 'man' culture. The women aren't seen so much outdoors. The younger, more modern generation is trying to break out of that, but compared to other places, the majority of people on the streets at any given time are men. Secondly, during the war it was the men that were killed, mostly, and often entire villages of men died in one day. The majority of men in this culture fit the profile of being my age or younger (under 30). I've heard a stat that 70% of the male population here fits that description. Talk about cultural problems! Imagine an entire population of boys growing up without fathers... Makes a bit more sense when you step back and examine some of the cultural sins that are ingrained into these young men!

Since there has been no to few father, grandfathers, or uncles to learn from there is little to no work ethic. Part of that is also exaggerated by the lack of jobs and work economy (do we say that in English?) here following the war. Nearly all the factories and big businesses were destroyed and mostly haven't been rebuilt. Something that most visitors notice right off the bat is that coffee shops, restaurants, etc are lined with men- no matter what time of day it is. Very few men in this country have a steady job with regular hours, if they have any work at all even. Many families rely upon a cousin, uncle, brother, or someone that 'escaped' to another country (normally illegally) to work and send money back home. Thus perpetuating the social problems of laziness and lack of motivation to create jobs.

Being an Islam'c society, men are regarded as 'higher' and more valuable than women. It isn't illegal to beat their wives, to have multiple spouses, or force your wife or daughter to basically be your slave. From the time they are young, the boys here are taught they can and should rule over women. If you know me (or really any Western woman), you know that that doesn't fly or work with me! I've butted heads with many cocky, know-it-all little boys that want to tell me what to do. However, it is interesting how they regard foreign women. I'm held on a totally different level than the women here. My personality and the way I talk and act demands respect and for my opinion to be heard. That's what I've (we've) been taught in our culture. I've had young men that I've been talking to tell me that they respect me, but only cuz I'm different than the women here. But I'm not. They're the same, should the oppression be lifted and someone actually care to ask what they're thinking or feeling. They've just been blinded...

Since there has been no one to instruct them in a lot of things, since they have been treated like a prince since birth, since foreign aid and sympathy poured in after the war, since this insane and often irrational sense of pride and self-worthy is heavily ingrained in all young men through culture and other means, since there really is no religious accountability (being only nominally/culturally Musl'm) the boys and men here do whatever they want. They do whatever feels best in their work (if they have one). Cheating, lying, stealing, and other massively corrupt things transpire in nearly every place of business in this country. They marry multiple women. Have many divorces. Abandon, abuse, or beat their wives and children. Visit prostitutes with the money that should be being used for their hungry children or homeless family. They stand on the side of the road throwing derogatory and degrading words at the women passing by. Or whatever else they want to do, when they want to do it, and how they want.

And yet, I've been able to be a part of the transforming work in some of their lives. What a rich blessing! To see the Lord break cultural strong holds. To break down destructive thoughts, habits, attitudes, etc. Because of their strength, focus on people and not tasks, and natural generosity they are going to become some of the greatest pastors, workers, and miss'onaries this place will ever know! We need more of these. Please join us in this prayer. It is so key to the reformation and transformation of this land!

(Really I'm not criticizing this culture, trying to point out sins, or anything of the sort. I am the first to see and know my own culture's sins! I promise I can write an even longer post on America... I'm merely writing this to invoke prayer and build awareness. I love this culture and these people!)

My Friend, Bill

2011-06-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I wish you could meet my dear friend, Bill. He's one of the men that stands out in my mind as 'far down the road' of sanctification- if there is even such an evaluation fathomable. He first entered my life when we were part of the same home group at The Village Church four years ago. He was a favorite speaker/teacher of mine. Not just because he would play beautiful melodies on the piano beforehand... But there wasn't a time I can recall that he taught when his heart wasn't touched to the point of tears. I was just struck with the sensitivity of his heart in regards to the Holy Spirit and God's heart for this world.

I had the privilege of getting to know him and his beautiful wife pretty well during that year and the years following. Being around them is inspiring; it makes me hunger to know the Lord more deeply. Those are the sorts of people you should 'do life' with. And I feel blessed to have done that for some time...

However, since returning to Kosovo, I've been confronted with heart wrenching news: Bill has a brain tumor. This is the update I just received:

"The tumor has been identified as a Glioblastoma, stage 4. This is the most common and, unfortunately, the most aggressive type of primary brain tumor.

Given the invasive nature of this tumor, complete removal is impossible and further treatment is necessary. Although this type of tumor is expected to grow back after resection, aggressive treatment can help delay its return and progression."
Everything inside me longs to be there to pray with them, support them, and mostly just give them each a BIG hug. But for some reason God's chosen for me to be here during this time. So, I'm doing the only thing I can do: Pray and ask you to Pray with me! Thanks...

Cemeteries and such

2011-05-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

I have a weird hobby- I love to walk through cemeteries. Some of my best writing has taken place there, as I sit among the gravestones and think deep thoughts and ponder life. For me, it is just a special place. God feels near. Just a reminder how short life is, the importance of wisely investing the gift you've been given, or even getting a glimpse of the values and ideals of the culture. Today I walked through a deserted Serbian cemetery on the outskirts of town. It has become my new favorite place here. Not only is it abandoned for being a cemetery, it is Serbian as well. No Albanian in their right mind would step foot there. So, it is highly likely that I will be visiting there again. Until then, here's some pictures I took today.

Sisters. For some reason, this touches my heart immensely.

Uh-oh...Someone escaped!

In-laid on the top of the grave.

Here are some from a few other places:

US- She was 1 years old...

US- I so want this kind of gravestone.
Just a simple rock!

Croatia- a grave for a soldier.
He looks like he's weeping green tears...

England- Yes, folks, you can indeed take it with you!

England- who puts a cross/skull bones on their family member's tomb? Were they poisoned or something??

England- lovely!

Kosovo- Serbian Monastery outside my city-
one of the oldest in existence!

Holland- You actually rent graves here and after your family stops paying rent, they dig you up and someone else gets your spot. Eh, you do what you've got to do in the small country you have!

US- Where else would you make a gravestone for your cat? Oh, and that cat lived an incredible amount of time: 1918-1937. This tomb always baffles me...

I told you that I was obsessed...

Maybe I need some professional help!

*Went back a week later- found these:

Can you see the skull and leg bone in there? They're green...

Haha- not sure that's 'up to code' for any cemetery!

Yes, that grave is open as well...

Here's what's inside!

Gross, I know- but also quite humorous.
(pun intended...think about your arm bones!)

Babi Im

2011-05-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

These are my parents:

This is my Dad-

being silly and posing in the hat I bought him for Father's Day.

Today my dad is having surgery on his neck.

It's pretty serious, and he needs prayer.

Please join my family in this!

Thanks.

And this last picture is just for kicks...

One of my favorites of my siblings and I.

Miss you guys!

Profiling: Kosovar Women

2011-05-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

Her name means 'River' in English. She's a bright ray of sunshine- genuinely sweet and beautiful on the outside as well. She recently just had her second child; another girl (girls aren't considered a blessing in this culture). She lives in the poorest area of my city; a place we've come to know as the Konvikt. Basically "konvikt" means, in Albanian, "dormitory". That's what the building was; back in the day, before the war. However, it has come to be a revolting place, filled with the poor whom have nowhere else to go (rumor has it that they're going to be kicked out in the coming weeks). Months have gone by without having electricity. The only water source in the building is found downstairs in what should be called a pit. The smell from "the pit" radiates throughout the entire building, often making me want to gag when I enter the hallway. Our friend, River, lives on the second floor, right next to the stairwell leading down "the pit". Her "house" is one room. Paint peeling, mold growing, mats on the floor to serve as both a couch and a bed, a small stove that looks like it's barely standing, and a small container against the wall that holds 2 of a few different utensils and things. That's what her room consists of. That's it. That's her entire world. She stays inside that room nearly all day, caring for her 2 young children, and trying to survive. Her husband, young and handsome as well, has no job. He leaves each morning to go sit on the side of the road, eagerly waiting to be hired out for some random job. The reality, though, is that what money he will acquire probably will go to a prostitute or perhaps a night out with his friends. And while as bad as this all sounds, she's one of the fortunate ones. Her husband hasn't left her...yet.

Her name means 'Hope' in English. We aren't entirely sure if the story she's told us is the truth, but there's no one else to ask, so it's all we have to go on. She turned up in the hospital, for a second time in a matter of months, covered in bruises, blood, and sliced up wrists. She'd been beaten and then tried to kill herself. The police, surprisingly, rescued her and didn't force her to go back home to the father that had beat her. She'd been farmed out to an uncle as a child; not even she knows why. However, her uncle and cousin died in the war. A few years later her aunt passed away as well, thus forcing her to go back to the family that didn't want her. For five years she lived with them, struggling to survive, until that day in the hospital. She was taken to a woman's shelter and remained there for 8 months. Never returning home. She has nowhere to go, wasn't able to finish high school (therefore not being able to attend college or get a job), and her father and brothers said they'd kill her if they found her.

Her name means 'Day's Near' in English. She's reached her early thirties, well past the normal marrying age, and yet she's still single. A BIG no no in this culture. If you pass mid-twenties still single, it is pretty much impossible to marry. While there are still guys that aren't married in that age bracket, it is nearly 100% of the time true that they'll find a younger woman and marry her. So, you live with your family, serving them, for your entire life. Desperation sets in, and you want out...whatever the cost. 'Day's Near' found a man online who promised her a better life. She married him after a few months, without telling any of her friends or church members. If she gets a visa she will set off for the West for a life of loneliness and sorrow. She's married a man older than her whose profession is trucking. He has no "home", no family, no place to settle down. So, this innocent, village girl, that'd never been away from her parents will go far, far away, out into the unknown. She thinks this will be better...

You want a job? Try to crack into these women's lives. Try to offer them hope, life, and salvation. Many times the response given is disbelief and laughter. The women here are rough. They've lived through a war. They've lost husbands, sons, brothers, fathers, uncles, nephews, grandfathers, and grandsons all in a single day. They don't have microwaves, store bought food, dryers, computers, or any other modern conveniences. They can still remember the first time they saw a car, a television, or even electricity. They have one thing on their mind: survival. The cost doesn't matter to them- they will fight and they will make it...

There's a story that a friend of mine tells about a program to help a village full of widows right after the war finished. They did some micro loans and set up a plan to purchase a cow for each widow in this village. The plan was for the widows to produce products to sell in the market and eventually pay off the loan. Well, the women got to talking, as women do, and the entire village decided to rebel against paying off their loan. Not a single one of them paid a penny towards their cow!

While that story makes me chuckle, it really touches the heart of the women here. It is back-stabbing, gossiping, betrayal...whatever it takes to get ahead, survive, or maybe even win. It's frustrating, because it happens and happens a lot- even to us that have helped and given so much of our time, resources, and love. It hurts and hurts deeply. I've cried many tears and sat with many other women as they cried their tears.

I feel like all my blogs lately are reaching the same conclusions...I present a problem and then leave it hanging. The reality is that that is just where I'm at. I've been given the blessing of living here long enough to see problems and pains. But I've also been given another blessing, one that I didn't possess when I first arrived: that of not having any answers. You may think I mean humility, but the reality of that one is that I still know my sinful heart! Most people arrive into a culture, full of zeal to fix all the problems they encounter- well, us Westerns do anyway. But right now I'm just at a place of observing. I'm not asking you to fix or provide answers, either. I just want to build awareness. If that bothers you- I'm sorry, but that's all I have for the time being...

First Week Home

2011-05-15T15:19:00.000-07:00

Within a few days of my arrival back to Kosova, half of my team (part couldn't come due to a visa rejection) packed up and headed to our neighboring country, Macedonia, for a conference/retreat with all the other Balkan workers in my organization.

It was good to see my roommate and team member/friend again!

And to catch up with some other team members and enjoy each other.

And enjoy these lovely sights...

I didn't have time to go up the castle or to the old, Orthodox church nearby.

But I heard they were beautiful!

Macedonia:

A country greatly in need of the Lord's sovereign touch!

Please pray with me for this nation.

The Weight of Sin

2011-05-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

Many people, upon entering Kosova, describe this weight, this overwhelming heaviness that simply comes from merely entering the country. It has also been said repeatedly that Kosova is a m'ssionary graveyard. Having been here nearly three years, I've come to find both are indeed true. There's a lot of conjecture and speculation from outsiders and even more from those that call this place home (even if only temporarily). Many blame it on the religious set up here, the lack of governmental structure, the history of war and religious oppression... I'm not going to discredit any one of those things- they are very real and must be faced daily for each one of us that lives here. However, I'd like to produce an additional item as one of the highest, most oppressive issues at hand: that of sexual sin.

The biggest way it reveals itself is seen on the streets. Each girl is devoured and stripped bare by nearly every male pair of eyes around. Being a girl myself, I've experienced this hundreds of times. The best way to express it would be that I feel like I've become some sort of weak, helpless prey upon exiting my door. An unfeeling, non-relational object that is merely here to be consumed. (On top of this persecution for merely being a woman, I also battle on a daily basis that of being a foreigner. Instead of a face, men see a dollar sign; instead of a heart, a passport.) And the funniest part of it all is that I dress super modest compared to all the other women surrounding me. I shouldn't be of interest to the men here. However, the sickness of this nation, especially in regards to the men, goes deep.

Some simple facts: Porn here is a way of life. Young boys are usually exposed to it before they even reach double digits. Normally the father introduces their sons to this; thus perpetuating the cycle. Coffee bars and sports centers have nightly showings of explicit, pornographic films. It is a community-wide event. What is done in private and filled with shame and secretiveness in the West is done with pride and openness here. And it fits. The religion in this country casts the women down. Men are taught from birth that women are around to produce babies and serve them. Small boys are given the authority to boss their mothers around, like a spoiled, bratty prince. So, why not use and abuse them as the object they are?

There are a number of brothels in my city. We've not yet found an "in" into working in those places and reaching the women there. But I've encountered some interesting situations. The man in the house I lived in for a month when I first arrived here would just disappear each night. Initially I'd ask the mother where he was. She never had a clue, and was surprised I was asking. Men go about as they please; no accountability. Perhaps even egged on deeper by the other men they spend time with. Any why not, in their religion, it matters not how many wives you have... You can always be on the look out, testing the newer, fresher waters. I can't tell you how revolting and horrific it is to walk down the street, forget where you are, smile at an older man leaning on his cane, with nary a tooth in his head...and then he turns his eyes on you and tears into your soul as he gazes at you like you're a piece of meat. The disease is vast, widespread, and absolutely paralyzing to any real growth and development that will take place here.

And one of the saddest parts of the whole thing to me is this: the women and girls are absolutely clueless! I can't rightly express my shock of finding out a dear friend of mine, that has been in the church and that sort of community for nearly a decade and a half, honestly didn't know that any of this existed. How can none of them know, you may think? I second that! They dress so lucratively to fit the part of being bait, catching they eye, ensnaring the desired attention. How can they not be aware? The reality is that they've been blinded. Blinded by a mother that dressed them up like a tramp when they were 6 years old. A mother that taught them their one aim in life was to marry, and marry well- whatever the cost. A father that turned away and said nothing as his daughter began to dress like the prostitute he'd just visited. And a whole slew of other graphic parts of this culture (and numerous others) that I won't take the time to write about. Truly they don't even know...

So, the question facing me, my colleagues, and countless others: How do you penetrate into such a society and social system with the gospel? Any surface issue addressed has no weight unless this one is hit on and hit hard. But how to touch on something so deep, so personal, so ingrained to the very nature of each person here? They play their role, whether they're aware of it or not...

The truth of all this is that I honestly don't know. Three years here, and I'm still as clueless as the day I began. The only thing I possess of any worth is prayer. Prayer at the foot of the cross. Prayer with tears and brokenness. Prayer that goes beyond words. Prayer, simply knowing that He knows, He loves, He sees, He cares. He's at work, with grace and love, even when I can't see or feel it. And then leaving it there- with Him- and walking out my door in His strength to combat the stares, the harsh words, and taunts with love...His love.

Please join me in this battle through prayer!

Clothes Give Away (part 1)

2011-05-04T10:44:00.000-07:00

Before leaving the US, I asked a number of my friends if they had any clothes they were willing to give me to be for the ladies at a shelter for abused women my team has been working with. I filled an entire suitcase full of really nice clothing- many business suits and dress clothes. I wasn't exactly sure what the Lord was going to do with all these clothes, but I felt in my heart that I should bring them. I'd been saying before I left that if I wasn't allowed 2 bags on my flight back here I'd just give the bag to my sister to give to Goodwill or something. However, as the airline worker told me it would cost me $__ to bring 2 suitcases with me, there wasn't even a hesitation at all as I grabbed my card and paid it. Later I was thinking about and remembered I wasn't going to do that, but at that precise moment God put full assurance that it was the right thing to do...And tonight I know it is so!

I can't share all the details of the young woman that is now living with me and my roommate, but her's is a sad story- one in which she isn't welcome back at home and has nowhere else to go in this world. We've been able to find her some work (part time), and are praying for her future (please join us in this). We call her Hope. She's been so excited to attend church with us and she loves to listen to Albanian Christian music all day long as she crochets hats for part of her income that my team is helping her do.

After our team meeting, that was at my house tonight, I just felt it put on my heart to bring out the large suitcase of clothes and a few shoes. The shoes were first- I only had a few pairs. I brought them all out, very skeptical that they'd fit her (I didn't know cuz European sizes are so different). Every single pair fit her feet, just like Cinderella! :-) Total God thing, because she had one pair of tennis shoes that were too small for her, and that was all. Next came the clothes- again, I was the skeptic. Many of the clothes were coming from friends that were a bit smaller than her. But again, God proved me wrong- everything she liked and tried on fit her! What a blessing for her as we're trying to help her get some interviews and be able to find a good apartment or something for herself. She had been wearing my old clothes that I'd worn for 2.5 years during my time here- not very nice and super worn.

I wish you could've seen her face when she said thank you to me! I told her it wasn't me who'd done it, it was you guys who so generously gave. What a blessing you've been for her...and she's just the first story. I still have a pretty full bag. I can't wait to see what the Lord is going to do through y'all!

THANKS!

Oh yeah...

2011-05-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

And a very happy May Day

to all my European readers!

You Know You're Home When...

2011-05-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

- The club next door rattles your house until 1am on holidays and most nights of summer.
- Washing your clothes takes 2 hours in the washing machine and a day to air dry.
- Exercise is beautifully built into every activity naturally- no need for a gym here.
- Your head always feels tired from trying to translate- spoken and written things.
- You must remove your shoes at the door.
- People are more important than activities (forgot to stop typing and greet my new roommate a bit ago and it was pretty awkward- oops!).
- Fresh fruits and veggies straight from the farmers' horse drawn carts!!
- Power cuts- enough said...
- The mosque's call to prayer 5 times a day. I have 3 next to my flat.
- An umbrella is a necessity as you're walking and it will probably rain at some point in the day.
- Shower heads are all hand held- this is a learned skill for an American!
- A cloud of smoke in most buildings cuz most men and a number of woman smoke here.
- Remembering not to pet the homeless puppies and kitties that are on the street!
- Everything is so cheap- eating can be done for just a few bucks in a nice restaurant.
- Having a scarf as a constant companion as the air remains chilled until summer time.
- You must clean your shoes daily- it is considered rude to have muddy shoes, but the roads are mostly mud...
- Living in the Rugova gorge- breath taking beauty outside my window and just a mere walk away.
- Pulling a shirt or towel out of the wardrobe can be dangerous as they often smell strongly of mold.
- If the sidewalks aren't wet from rain, they are soaked by shop owners watering them to keep the dust down- my pants' legs are pretty much never dry!
- Cows and horses just wander into the road; even on major highways.
- Being from such a different culture, even the simplest actions or creations on my part create both good and bad stirs.
- Greeting someone requires 3-4 kisses on the cheeks as you ask a serious of 5 standard questions which are followed by standard replies.
- Everyone loves your "blond" hair and hazel eyes cuz they are so different than the dark brown that they all have.
- Houses mostly have a college-sized fridge and that's more than enough room (love simplicity!).
- Dead cows and sheep hang all over town in the butchers' windows.
- And lastly (cuz my brain is shot): a people so hungry for love and change.

I love this place and am desperately praying for God to move in power and to change hearts and lives for His Name, Kingdom, and Glory!

Fight of Two Worlds

2011-04-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Since my time here in the US is drawing short (heading back in 16 days), there have been many thoughts in my mind and questions I've been repeatedly asked. One of which seems to have become everyone's favorite question...and my least favorite: 'What is the hardest part of going back?' I just want to look at them and reply: 'Well, do you have 5 hours?'

But since I've had such ample time to process and think through this matter, I think I've reached a conclusion. The reality is that I live in two vastly different places. Having been over there for 2.5 years I would often think: 'I'm not so American anymore. It would be so hard for me to go live back in the US again...' Surprise, surprise: I'm still very much American, and while it is extremely hard to live here again, it is very much ingrained in who I am and being here life and choices flow naturally (which is such a welcome, longed for feeling in many ways, and such a scary feeling in other ways). But even with the 'natural-ness' of life here there is an accompanying angst inside me. You see, while I'm still very much American, I've also acquired a little bit of South Korean, Albanian, Britain, Romanian, Colombian, etc. and a lot of Kosovar. I haven't discovered how to incorporate all that into the 'me' here in the US so well yet, so mostly it is either an awkward silence, saying something wrong and out of place, or feeling alone...But that brings us to the hardest part of going back!

I made a decisions for one world (Kosova) while living in the other world (the US). Does that even make sense to the 'normal' person? Let me attempt at explanation. While I was in Kosova, there were so many times when I thought: 'Do we really do this in America? Do people really think this way? We really have these opportunities? How in the world does this work that way there? Did I dream these things up???' And while I'm here trying to explain life, culture, customs, the people, etc. to friends here, I find myself stuck: 'I know this is how it's done, but it definitely isn't making sense. How do I explain their way of life when all I'm getting is a blank stare?' For me, the two often merge, and I forget how vastly different the two are...until a collision occurs.

Well, that collision has been engaged full force with my decision to move back to the US. I feel like I'm cutting off my leg. Not go back and live there? Move back to the US? What about this part of me; who I've become? How do I explain this to the Kosovar friends I have? I know it probably only makes sense here in the US, in this context, in this mindset, in this understanding.

And I write all this, not for sympathy or a better understanding of my heart, but rather because I think we're all engaged in this battle, this confusion of worlds, once we decide to follow Christ. Once we become citizens of a different Kingdom. The struggle for evangelism, discipleship, fasting, spending time in the Word, talking to the Father, etc. They are struggles, and so often words fail to be able to describe why they are so hard. Why can't I just say something to that person I love that is hurting? Why can I spend hours reading this silly novel and then only eek out 15 minutes in the Word? I can talk all day long and listen to other people's heart, passions, and even stories, but man when it comes to prayer... It's trying to engage your heart in another world, another Place- so contrary to the way things are here.

Well, there you go- I presented a problem and described the weight and angst of it all. Now I'm sure you're expecting me to slap on some profound wisdom or answer. I don't have one. First of all, I'm still in the US. I haven't had to fight and live out this decision I've made yet. And chances are, even after I do, I won't be slapping around wisdoms and answers...I'll merely be able to listen to others better. I'll be able to grieve with others. There won't be so much a wisdom, but more of an understanding. And more of a comfort than an answer.

Is it worth it? Well, on the foresight- looking ahead to the situation (unaware of all that will occur), I'm going to say: YES! I'd take understanding and comfort any day over someone's slapped on wisdom and patent answers.

Lord, humble me until all I have to offer this world is YOU!

i'm in love...

2011-03-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

-a blog on singleness-

We've all had it happen. You spot a potential one. You know, a Candidate. Someone who might be on your list- hasn't been ruled out but also is only in the observing phase. *GASP* They could be...the one! But you don't know yet. So, you find yourself in this place of watching, waiting, wondering, willing God to grant this to you...maybe. Been there? Hm, well, I have (more times that I care to share!) and I found myself there, once again, this past weekend at church. Only this time it wasn't avoidable: he was on stage; leading worship.

Here's how my thought process went:

-song 1-

'Okay God, I came here to worship You, but my mind isn't concentrated on the words of this song and my eyes keep drifting in the direction of Stage Left.. for some reason. Maybe I just won't sing if my heart can't fully follow or love You through these words...'

-sermon on idolatry-

(yes, that was an OUCH)

-song 2-

'I'm just going to close my eyes and listen to these words. Less distractions...'

-song 3-

'What in the world?!?! Here I am standing before You and my heart is elevating something (it was the something of a potential relationship; really having nothing to do with the guy whatsoever) that is empty and worthless! I have the opportunity to be romanticized by the God who made the moon at this very moment (yes, this was my thought) and I'm settling for thinking about a thing that will never come to be. I keep glancing in his direction- for what?? The One who has created, fashioned, knit, and orchestrated EVERY beautiful thing I've ever beheld is HERE with me! I have the chance to be sold out, passionate, worshipful, and utterly IN LOVE at this very moment and I'm not. What an idiot!'

-song 4-

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

(by Hillsong United)

It was hard to be single while I was overseas because it was enormously lonely. But coming back Stateside produces a whole new challenge. There is almost this floating, overwhelming, consuming expectation from nearly everyone that I at least be looking, searching, or trying to find someone. It goes against all that I find is Biblical: contentment, trust in God's provision and grace, peace... And it feels suffocating! There's not a doubt that I would love to get married. But the truth is that I'm already in love (see above) and mostly that interferes with this imposing expectation from others. It doesn't have to, and most likely won't someday, but for now, and the guys surrounding me, it does. Which I'm more than okay with!

I don't know where you're at today or what you're facing, but let me just remind you of something I find mind boggling:

The Maker, Keeper, and Sustainer of the moon looks deep into your heart and loves you. I mean, really loves you- more than any guy/girl can or will. And if you go outside this evening, I guarantee He's going to paint a sunset for you and wait for you to light up and soak it all in. And as you go to sleep tonight, I promise He'll be there, arms surrounding you, gently singing a love song over your soul. What more could your romantic heart ever want??

And yes, the moon shone brightly, peeping into my soul, guiding my entire way home that night. And has continued to tap against my windowpane each night as I drift off to sleep...

WHAT A LOVER

I'm Here!

2011-02-23T16:11:00.000-08:00

Didn't want all my faithful readers to think I'd fallen off the edge of the unknown!

Here's the briefest of all updates:
I'm in Texas.
Staying busy with doctor appointments, sick family members, some volunteering (hopefully at church soon and maybe with some foster kids), some in depth studies, praying through future decisions, and staying in touch with friends and some kiddos back in Kosovo.
I will be in Texas until the end of April.
Next I will be boarding a plane back to Kosovo.
How long my stay there is still yet to be determined.
I am doing well though.
God is Good and He is Love.
What more could I need or ask for!
Thanks for praying me through this season of life.
Love y'all...

Blonde Moment

2010-12-31T01:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was returning home from Albania. For those of you that have never traveled in Europe by car, when you cross a border you must wait in a long line for a border guard to check your documents and car. I was waiting in that long line but there was a semi (lorry) in front of me and I couldn't see much. It seemed like the cars were passing through the border without checking their documents, so I assumed the border was closed and they'd check both for Albania and Kosovo at the next check point a few yards further...So, I just drove right on through!

That got all the guards up in arms (literally) and they started yelling and shouting at me. Oh man, I've never seen such angry policemen! I stopped and a border policeman approached speaking Albanian. At this point I felt really dumb, so I decided to play the stupid American and greeted him in English. He asked in Albanian if I spoke his language to which I said no (looking back that was a lie, but at the time it didn't even cross my mind to say yes). He then asked me in very broken English if I knew what this was; with a smirk on his face. He took my documents and then came back to make small talk- stupid American and South Korean girls, sounds like fun, eh? He asked where I worked, what I was doing, etc. And then I responded in Albanian...and blew my cover. If you're going to lie about something, you need to follow through!

Well, there was no lasting damage- just on my pride. But I will never, ever drive through a border again! Whew...

The Christmas Story (HD version)

2010-12-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

...it was when I carried you!

2010-12-19T10:15:00.000-08:00

Three years ago, as I planned to go to Albania to work with street kids, I was so young and so sure of how everything would go. I remember vividly sitting out on the deck in my backyard, planning what I would do and say, who I'd become, and where it would lead me. The following month, January 2008, was the first of many things that knocked me to my knees. During my required physical it was discovered that I had a heart condition. These past 3 years it has been up and down, mainly the doctors don't know much about my problem. But there was one night, right after it had been discovered, that I can see and feel perfectly; even now. I was 100% sure that I wouldn't make it through the night; that if I fell asleep, I wouldn't wake up. I remember setting my room up so that whoever found me would not have so much stuff to take care of. And I laid in my bed and wept for hours. I pleaded and begged God: "Please, let me live! I want so much to be with You, but at the age of 23 I haven't done anything yet..."

Well, as we all know, I lived through the night, and the next 3 years. My heart is still going strong, but nothing that I planned and pleaded with God for has come about. Oh, I went on the mission field and have had a busy last few years. But the only thing I know now is this: I feel very much aged and unsure of everything.

I could depict the past years, or even months, and the pain and sorrow that has taken place in my life. I could fill pages upon pages of difficult things, people who've betrayed me, and all the tears I've wept. And truly that is where my heart has been focused these past months. I've been really burned out and pretty depressed. The one thing I keep pleading with God for is a restoration of my joy. It hasn't happened yet.

These days I cry a lot. Part of that is good; the Lord has softened my heart so much. But mostly there is just this emptiness and overwhelming sorrow engulfing me. Where do I go? Who do I turn to? What's the next step? What am I doing? Is it worth it all??

I guess I don't have answers to any of those questions at the present. I'm just asking you to pray for me. Pray for my focus to get off myself, what has transpired, and the "woes" I spend my time meditating on. Pray for God to reveal the next step for me. Pray for me to listen to Him; to be near His side and not running away like I so often am doing. Pray for my heart to heal- there are many things I've been wounded by and in some ways am struggling with bitterness. Pray for a friend for me- I am so utterly lonely on the inside. And pray for rest and restoration to my soul.

Thanks for journeying these past 3 years with me. It has been your prayers and support that carry me onward. And I need them again, now more than ever.

Much love...

the Need

2010-12-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight my roommate and I watched (yet again) the movie made about William Wilberforce called: Amazing Grace. Powerful film! I've read a bit on Wilberforce, not a lot, but enough to know that he was a pretty incredible man. And every time I watch that movie, I finish it wanting so desperately to be him. To give my life for something beyond me. To fight injustice that surrounds. To love the Lord, serve Him, and invest this gift that has been given me in hope of seeing the Kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven. I get this same feeling when I watch movies like: Schindler's List, Hotel Rwanda, End of the Spear, etc. Or read countless other biographies of faithful men and women that loved the Lord and gave their all for Him.

However, the older I get, the more realistic I become about such things. I listen to other people. The loudness of passion has begun to fade. I am but one small, very small, person. And more than that- who am I? Pretty humble origins. Really have nothing worthy in my character or talents worth boasting about...even if I wanted. I will be the first to say that I'm a nobody in all regards.

And yet... here I sit. Tears running down my cheeks. Feeling shattered over the poverty, injustice, abuse, suffering, and despair that haunt every corner of this world. There isn't a country on this globe that isn't in need of someone sensitive to the Lord's heart for compassion and love to those in need. Slavery lives on still! Trafficking of girls and boys, young and old, is taking place in staggering quantities everywhere! People lack clean water, simple medications, a safe place to live... I could go on and on with thoughts and images that plague my heart. But I believe that you yourself know these things- maybe not on the surface, but deep inside. And they plague you too.

The question is this: what are we going to do?

The Need surrounds

It oppresses the one who

With eyes and ears wide open

Feels and gives attention

Many a man spends

Day & night, night & day

A lifetime of moments

Patching justice

The Need is fluid

Ever-changing

Sucking dry and enveloping

The one who gave their all

Many give everything

To a cause or hope

With baited expectation

Only to be used and left empty

Martha, Martha

The need is always present

But one Thing remains

Chose Me

I wrote this poem last week, as I felt this war raging inside me. I know that I'm not a poet, but these words express my heart and the things that feel overwhelming in so many ways right now. Maybe I'm not the one to go- maybe it is you. But either way, let's pray to the One who has all things under His control. I'm sure He has a plan already formed!

"You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know."

“If to be feelingly alive to the sufferings of my fellow-creatures is to be a fanatic, I am one of the most incurable fanatics ever permitted to be at large.”

-William Wilberforce

Bringing Hope

2010-12-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

This was supposed to be at the end...But alas I can't figure out the new Blogger, so it remains at the beginning. But this was a little girl's reaction to the childrens' Bible we'd just given her and her friends that were eagerly waiting. Soooo precious!
This picture is just for fun. It has been rainy and cold for over 1.5 months! Not to mention the wind...

This summer my team (all but one pictured here) decided that, once a week, we would take up a post in different villages and distribute books to the children, men, and women we can find outdoors. Totally outside my comfort zone... (that is so often where the Lord wants me!)

They load up their backpacks with Bibles and other relevant books and begin the 2+ hour trek through the remote parts of the village. This week they were invited into 3 Roma homes.

And my roommate and I stand guard at the jeep, with a table set up, and patiently wait for the mob of children that always results when the nearby school lets out.

Nearly everyone on my team loves this craziness. Me, well, I just think they're crazy! But God is blessing this ministry, and I have to admit it has been exciting to partake in it.

My favorite picture from the village today. The devastation from the war isn't just in the landscape. It is in hearts and lives all around this nation. Please pray that the Truth in the books we pass out will take root, and that restoration, healing, and hope will find their anchor in those hearts and lives!

European Travels

2010-11-22T02:38:00.000-08:00

These past few months I have been traveling... A LOT!

It began with a training conference in the

beautiful countryside of England.

(I didn't take that picture above- obviously!)

Next I got to travel to London for 1.5 days.

Big Ben

The London Eye


What my view of England is from the movies...

Next stop was Athens, Greece

Cheered my friends on while they ran the in the

2,500 anniversary of the marathon.

I felt a bit like a slacker when I saw all these really

old people running the race and not even being tired!

Did the touristy thing and went to

visit the Acropolis for a few hours.

Athens has 5 million people living inside its city limits!

My last morning in Thessaloniki; strolling down the beach.


Wishing you were with me!

The White Tower in Thess.

Used to be a prison called the Bloody Tower

until a prisoner paid for his freedom by whitewashing the building.

And what I hope is the end of my journeys for some time:
Torino, Italy

The cathedral outside my window- beautiful.

However, it woke me up a lot because

I've grown used to the 3 mosques near my house,

and their calls to prayer- not church bells- HA!

A really cool monument.

This house has character!

I love it!

The rain was awful, but it sure made beautiful pictures!

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'"

James 4: 13-15

PS: I hate the new Blogger- can't figure out how to caption pictures and videos...Ahhhh!

A Life Lived Well

2010-11-20T12:15:00.000-08:00

This past week I had the privilege to attend a leadership conference in Italy. Some of those in attendance (namely men) were some of the most incredible people I've met. Many had served the Lord in some remote place since before I was even born! But the person that stood out to me the most was a little man serving in his home country. He was in his upper 50's, and had recently been facing the choice to retire or not. He decided not to (Praise God!), so this is what he now does:

The poorest people in his home country are immigrants from Nigeria. The women aren't allowed real jobs, because they are there illegally. But it is legal for them to "work" as a prostitute. So, this man and his wife go each evening to the streets to meet with these ladies. Many come from religious backgrounds. The know the songs and the words to the stories that are shared. But their lives and hearts are so empty. As this man shared his story, his heart, and work among these women in his broken English, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Such passion he had for a seemingly hopeless cause.

God is a God of hope. He is the God of light and life. And He, and He alone, will make a way for these women to find and live in freedom. Please pray!

And may many other countless men and women that begin to focus on themselves and retiring make the same decision as this dear man did!

Me: 0 Cat: 2

2010-11-20T04:31:00.000-08:00

Remember this guy?
Well, last night I was unpacking and trying to go to bed.
He wanted me to stop and play.
So, his new favorite game:
Latch on to my ankle with his teeth.
Not so much a favorite for me.
So, I went to smack his head...
And totally missed (he's way smart!).
Jammed my ring finger instead!
And now he lives on the balcony...
(just kidding- I'm not that mean)

Unwanted Catergories

2010-11-12T13:25:00.000-08:00

This past week I received an email from someone that bore some pretty rough news. And as I sat and thought about the situation and pretty much just life in general, I came to realize something: I was in shock and unable to process what was happening because I simply didn't have a category in my head for such a thing.

Have you ever been there? Someone you love betrays you. A sudden death occurs and leaves you reeling. Something you invested a lot of time, money, and effort into fails. A person your truly look up to and respect lies, has an affair, or does something else unthinkable. Or anything in between...

We've all been there. We can all understand. Life doesn't happen as we dictate. We can't plan the outcome of anything; really. And therefore, many things will happen that we're not prepared for.

So, I find myself possessing a new category in my mind and heart. It isn't one that I want. And it is something I hope I never have to file anything away in again. But the Lord touched my heart with these verses this morning:

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God..."

II Corinthians 1:3-4

So, for His Name and His Glory I willingly embrace this new file in my mind as being a gift which I believe He will use one day to provide comfort and peace to someone else.

~Amen~

UniShow Video

2010-10-26T01:47:00.000-07:00

Finally used my friend's internet to upload this one.
I'll try to get a few more up in the coming weeks.
They're pretty sweet!
Enjoy:

His name is Dustin Kelm and he travels the world
sharing his story through doing this.

Song lyrics:
Get Up by Superchick

I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly and
I will spread these wings of mine

Chorus:
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway
If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
We'll just jump and see, even if it's the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I'm not afraid to fall
And here I told you so
Don't want to rock the boat
But I just had to know
Just a greener side
Or can I touch the sky
But either way I will have tried

-Chorus-

I'm not afraid to fall
I've fallen many times
They laughed when I fell down
But I have dared to climb
I'm not afraid to fall
I know I'll fall again
But I will win this in the end

-Chorus-

Rubbery Legs!

2010-10-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

I've been praying for some time (off and on since March) that God would bridge the gap between my neighbors and myself. The off and on part is because sometimes I'm pretty selfish and just want to walk up to my house (on the 5th floor) and not see anyone I know on the way up or be invited for a visit. But alas, I know in my heart of hearts, I didn't move to Kosova to not know people- haha! He's provided a few friends during the past months. But I continue to pray for openings and ways to reach out to them...and God answers!

Tonight I was so blessed by the Lord to arrive home from our village outreach to see my neighbors, from right below me, outside the building stacking wood. I debated whether or not it was a blessing for a few minutes in the car. I spent some time calculating what all this would involve. You see, I've lived here 2+ years and I know exactly what wood means, and this family lived on the 4th floor of my building. But I also had learned earlier today that this family doesn't have a dad (just found out that he divorced the mom- probably to have a younger, more fun model). So, after calling my roommate and asking how to correctly say a few phrases I was going to be needing, I stepped out of the car and into their lives.

I'm not going to lie, many times as I went up and down the stairs I was blaming God for getting me in this situation. All the other neighbors were content to watch us labor up and down the stairs. And yes, my legs feel like rubber now. But my heart is full. They were so grateful, and I was able to open a door into their lives...simply by using one of my languages of love: service. And how wonderful that God blessed me with this ability to help them! Had it been translating or spending oodles of time talking in Albanian, I wouldn't have walked over and introduced myself. But our amazing God knows!

And I truly think He gives each one of us these opportunities each day. Since my chosen job requires me to be honest (hehe), I will say that I pass most of them up. I am "too busy" reaching out to "such and such" a people in my own way that I don't have time to stop and help the elderly lady who is struggling with her bags home. Or I am so focused on my meetings that I don't care to do whatever it is that He places right in front of me. Or maybe I should be really honest: I am too busy saving money for myself, counting down the hours till I can rest, or some other idea or plan with me at the center. But every week God brings me to my knees, and I cry out to Him to give me another chance. To help me have His eyes to see deep into people's hearts. And what an incredible Lord- He always does.

I just want to encourage you all. I know that these things are hard, that often we feel guilty or overwhelmed. But let me tell you, as I sit here with wobbly legs and a hurting back- I'm glad that I followed my heart! And I will be glad again when I attend the birthday party for the oldest daughter that I just got invited to.
God is good!
Amen

Life in a Dumpster

2010-10-18T04:25:00.000-07:00

It was late last night as I was getting ready for bed. Part of my nightly routine is to snuggle with this guy: Torie before I shut him out in the hall (he turns vicious at night!). While I was holding him I heard a strange noise coming from down below. It turned out to be a litter of kittens that had recently been born...in the dumpsters next to my apartment. We peered out my window for a few minutes as my heart slowly began to break. It was raining, cold, and they were hungry. Torie was apathetic to their pitiful meows coming from 5 stories below. And as I studied him I began to realize something. He should be down there too! He was a street cat that someone picked up when he was a baby, dying cuz his mother abandoned him. He's been given a new life; a wonderful life full of good food, toys, warm beds, and loads of love. But because he was removed from his old life he's forgotten it all- it is almost as if he doesn't even speak those kitten's language. He's just apathetic, and truly he's pretty ungrateful for the life I've given him...if we were honest.

And as I crawled into my warm bed, surrounded by my things, I realized that I am often exactly the same as my terrible kitty. And I come from a country that is full of apathetic, ungrateful people as well.

There is a scene that stands out in my mind from the movie: Hotel Rwanda. It is as the American videographer is soon to the leave the country, and the main character has a glimmer of hope that his people will receive help when the footage he's shot is seen on the news. Here's what is said:

"I'm glad that you've shot this footage and that the world will see it. It is the only way we have chance that people may intervene." "Yeah, and if no one intervenes? Is it still a good thing to show?" "How can they not intervene, when they witness such atrocities?" "I think if people see this footage they will say: 'Oh my god, that's horrible.' And they will go on eating their dinners..."

A few years ago I had the chance to attend Urbana (HUGE missions conference- pretty amazing) with the youth group from the church I grew up in. I loved my time there and took every opportunity I could to douse myself in the world. What I mean by that is that I wanted to feel the hurt across the nations. To bear witness to their lives. To glimpse the suffering that the majority of people live within. So, I went to seminars on AIDS, on street kids, on poverty, on orphans, etc. It was difficult and it was a very "raw" time for me. One evening we were sharing as a group what we'd done that day. I shared and one of the leaders of the group responded: "Wow! I couldn't go to those sorts of meetings. My heart can't handle knowing those things..." I was a bit in shock, because as followers of God we should walk as His Son did. He went into those sorts of places and was encountered with every kind of suffering and pain this world knows. How can we close our hearts and eyes to such things? And truly it is only the people in the West who even have the chance or the possibility to do such a thing. Every other place in the world is rampant with disease, poverty, and suffering like you and I've never known or witnessed. It is simply a part of life.

And so, like my cat, we found a way to remove that from our lives and make ourselves comfortable. We insulate our life with every convenience there is, and wrap ourselves up in it (I speak just as much to myself here). And we lose it all. How can we proclaim God's love if we're not living it? How can we manifest Him to the nations if we aren't willing to get our feet dirty? How can we testify to His salvation if we don't even know what the world is in need of being saved from? How...?

Maybe yes, you are removed from poverty, disease, and other atrocities, but look around you! There is despair, hopelessness, lostness, darkness in need of everything you have inside your heart! Don't wander so far away from this world that you forget to speak their language. Don't insulate yourselves to the point that you grown apathetic. And please, please don't forget where every good thing that is in your life came from- live with a grateful heart, full of praise!

I challenge myself here. And I challenge you.
Live unto the Lord; your God and Creator.
Be His hands. His feet. His voice. His heart.
Just be...HIS!

Ultimate Authority and the Suicide of Rebellion

2010-10-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

"One of the fundamental areas where you can really see the Enlightenment rob the church of its power, worship, and enjoyment is this: [The Bible] has ceased over the years to be a book about God and has become more and more a book about us...'It's about me; about me as an individual...How can I become happy? How do I get rid of this or that?' We use it as a Spiritual Medical Encyclopedia. The problem with that is that that is not what this is! Now are there Truths inside that can help with these things? Yes, but only after the Gospel has taken root. Once you get the Story. Without the Story you have nothing...The Bible is ferociously about God. If there are lessons to learn in the Bible, they come by who we are in light of who He is..."
-Matt Chandler

And Now They're Gone

2010-10-14T05:55:00.000-07:00

So, before I begin, I want to give a few websites in case anyone reading my blog is interested in doing things like this. There is a need around the world to use your gifts and talents- whatever they may be- for the glory of our Father! Here's the websites, and following are a few of my new friends that are using their lives to point to God, the Greatest Artist!

You can check out here for more info and here for updates on Dustin "Unicycle" Kelm.

The whole gang of fire twirlers, dancers, and the unicyclist.
(And their translator)
They made up quite an impressive show!

Dustin Kelm is pretty amazing-
check out the videos below!

Reassuring the kid that he wasn't going to die :-)

I count five.
How many do you count?

The Circus is Coming!

2010-10-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

So, this afternoon I spent the day doing something I never imagined I would do: plastering my city with posters. It was hilarious and fun at the same time! I know that my organization isn't bringing the circus, but it feels like it. And everyone here is so excited and talking about it like it is the circus. There's a guy that is pretty stinkin' amazing on the unicycle, some fire jugglers, and a professional dancer. Pretty much is the circus for this "lack of anything exciting" city where I live. People get dressed up and walk up and down the main street 5-10 times each night for something to do. The guy in the governmental office where we got the permission asked if we could do this every month. And the diverse group we had putting up the posters added to us feeling like a circus in this country where foreigners are rare. We had Colombia, Albania, Holland, the US, and South Korea represented. Oh what a day!

But my heart in posting this is to not only make you chuckle but also pray for this event. Reality is that it has high potential to receive opposition as the unicyclist shares his testimony at the end and we hand out some questionnaires. Please pray for us! Here's our schedule for the next few days:
-Village school
-Village town center
-My city's center
-The local high school
Please also pray for no rain as most of these events are taking place outdoors.

The circus is coming to town...everyone get ready!
(I'll try and post a video in the coming days)
FALEMINDERIT SHUME (thank you a lot)!!!

Will You?

2010-10-11T03:55:00.000-07:00

Only Let Us...

2010-10-11T03:00:00.000-07:00

"Only let us live up to what we've already attained."
-Philippians 3:16

Such a powerful verse. What a daunting thought. Seems a bit ambiguous at times. I've attained a lot of information in my lifetime, witnessed a great many things, been a part of a lot of amazing stuff, and sat under some of the most incredible people this time period has to offer. How can one possibly live up to such things?

However, the more I ponder this thought, the more I realize the proper question: how can I not? How can I close my heart to what the Lord has put before me? How can I turn aside from Truth, Reality, and Life? How can I chose the temporary over the eternal? How can I take what has been given me and place it on a shelf for later? How can I not put these things into practice?

And yet the sad story remains that I have, I do, and I will...

But why? Why am I not more eager to live like the examples in the Word of God who sacrificed and gave all for Him? Why am I not following in the steps of the renowned men of old: Charles Spurgeon, Jonathan Edwards, George Mueller, AW Tozer, CS Lewis...? And what of these women: Susanna Wesley, Gladys Aylward, Elisabeth Elliot, Ann Judson, Amy Carmichal...? What stops me from living as they did (total abandon unto their Lord)?

As I think about these men and women, I admire their devotion. Many got up hours earlier than they had to pray (5-6 hours for some). Many spent days, months, and years pouring over passages of Scripture before they ever thought to open their mouth on the subject. Many devoted their entire life for the furtherance of His Kingdom. Many counted the cost and paid it; daily.

What of me? Why don't I? Who's stopping me? How can break out of the comfy life I've built around myself and live boldly with purpose?

And while I know it is my own wicked heart that is the root, I often feel gypped living in this day and age. I love that everything is at my fingertips through the internet and speed of travel and convenience all around. And yet I don't...

I'm so distracted from the Lord. Every morning I wake up and look at my computer and begin to think about who emailed me, what the day will hold, what is happening back home, who I can chat with on Skype... And my feet haven't even hit the floor and my heart is already far from my Creator. And this deep sorrow comes over me. I know He's wooing me, romancing me, and yet so often it feels like He doesn't win. He doesn't compete; He won't compete. And truthfully He doesn't need to- the Almighty, Glorious, Victorious, Majestic, Beautiful, Awe-filled Creator, God, King, Lord, and Provider of All. Who or what can hold a candle to that? And yet I chose my computer, food, a friend, movies, and other things that often prove to leave me empty.

Has Satan won? The answer is for all eternity a big resounding NO. And yet he does win battles in my heart and life each day...

Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm Your friend

You are my desire
No one else will do
'Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near

-Kelly Carpenter

Twain Quotes...

2010-10-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

"If you have nothing to say, say nothing."

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear."

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

"The most interesting information come from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

"The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up."

"A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory."

"With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity."

"We are all stupid, just on different subjects."

"I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them."

"Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it."

My Brother, My Friend!

2010-10-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

So, this is my brother.
He's been one of my best friends- through thick and thin.
We've always had a great time together...
Except when we went through our early teens and didn't so much.

He's been my adventure buddy.
And boy have we been on some adventures!
Getting lost on four-wheelers.
Sinking a four-wheeler in a pond and then trying to revive it (him).
Crashing a four-wheeler (him)...Ok, I'll stop!
Exploring caves, tunnels, and rivers (in the winter!).
Hiking and backpacking.
Climbing trees.
Playing many rounds of cowboys and indians.
Riding bikes together.
And oh yes, the snake that you flung in my face!

What strange stories we have together:
Filling our pants full of sand to prevent painful spankings.
(which we got anyway)
Eating lizards...aka: cold gizzards.
Cars running out of gas in the middle of the night.
Building "The Great Throne".
When I straightened your hair- haha.
Getting pulled over by the police with a car full of youth kids.
Navigating the paths in our backyard.
Digging up Pat's tree...with spoons!
The Fat and Nasty- enough said!

It has been one of my greatest joys to be a part of your life. To watch the Lord slowly become your heart and passion through the years. To see the punk kid who always got me in trouble become an incredible man of God that I respect. To be molded and refined through your words and example.

What a journey we've been on together.
So many ups and downs.
So many crazy things.
But I'm so glad you held on tight.
And not only that, but you've also taught me
to enjoy the ride in the midst of it all!

I know you know I love you.
But I wonder do you know how much?
Let me tell you!
"I love you to the moon...and back!"

I'm so proud of you for finding one of the most amazing girls in the world to be your beautiful wife. She's a perfect match for you. Designed by God to be, well, let's face it: your better side! :-) She's been an incredible blessing to not just you, but also our family.
Way to go, Idaho!

May the Lord bless the two of you.
May He hold you in His arms.
And may all your decisions be focused
upon Him and His heart for this world!

And may He take this wee one that now belongs to y'all and do something incredible in and through him. He has such plans for Baby L! And I can't wait to watch it unfold...

I'm proud of you, and I know I don't tell you enough!
Congratulations to both you and your wifey.
Consider this my big hug to you both!
Love from your baby sister...

A Favorite

2010-10-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

One of my all time favorite hymns- so powerful!

"Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me"
by Edward Hopper, 1818-1888

1. Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life's tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee:
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

2. As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boisterous waves obey Thy will
When Thou say'st to them, "Be still!"
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

3. When at last I near the shore,
And the fearful breakers roar
'Twixt me and the peaceful rest,
Then, while leaning on Thy breast,
May I hear Thee say to me,
"Fear not, I will pilot thee."

A Grateful Heart

2010-10-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

This morning was my 3rd morning to wake up back here in Kosova. I woke up with a sore throat that has progressed into what my roommate is calling the "flu that is going around" and I am simply calling it the death sickness. I hate being sick, and yet there is just something about a sickness that slows life down a bit and changes your perspective on things.

I've been really discouraged lately, and just feeling super inadequate in a lot of things the Lord has placed before me. So, getting sick on top of these feelings felt like too much. But He and I just spent some really good, "pour out your heart" time together. Interspersed in the tears and sorrows was this phrase over and over: "I don't feel good, Lord. I think I just want to come Home to You..." I'm so glad He doesn't answer all our prayers with yes, and even more than that, that He lovingly, patiently listens to all our petty complaints and even cares for them! What a God!!!

I also love how He sees into the moment of despair and sorrow and touches the deepest hurt. Through the past several days as I've wrestled and struggled with different things, He's blessed me with some encouraging words through friends: "You are precious to me", "I appreciate your heart so much to keep going", "I know God has so much for you, but most important is to be with Him", "I am happy you are here"... Just simple words from each of them, but precisely what I was needing.

So, I want to leave you not only with this thought: God knows and will provide. But also: there is vital importance in encouraging and walking alongside one another.

Who around you needs your affirmation and love?
* If you can find anyone...feel free to send me an email! :-)

Dedicated to...

2010-09-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

TORNADO~ the craziest kitty ever!

I love to stare out the window-
I'm stuck inside on a 5th floor apartment...
what else is there to do??

I suck my tail to go to sleep.
Babies suck their thumbs,
why is it weird that I do the same thing??

I love playing futbol!
My ball is a bit old and worn.
Could you tell my owner that I need a new one?

Speaking of my owner- here she is.
This is back when I was just a wee baby!

I had fun one night when my roommates were sleeping.
It was actually quite fun- I can recommend it!

I'm quite fascinated with water.
Love to take showers with my owner.
Who says that cats can't like water?

If there is something to get under or turn over-
I'm so there!
Making messes the entire way...

Mmmm...my favorite thing is...
EATING!

I've recently discovered my climbing skills!
No good trees around here...gotta make do!

I don't know why I'm being yelled at here.
Crazy owner!

I discovered the jungle today.
Was great fun- played in it for hours!

So, there's Torie, my Kosovar baby. He's been living with us for a few months now. He's gotten into everything! But he's a bundle of energy, biting, and sometimes fun. Definitely added something to our day to day life!

Perspective on Albania

2010-08-15T04:28:00.000-07:00

Joy is found in life not through achieving things, gaining possessions, or being great. Rather, I would say joy comes when your perspective lifts from yourself to God and to others. So, the following photos are from Albania-each is just a point of view- altered or completely natural...that's for you to decide!

Where's your perspective today?

Is it on the trash that's in your life?

How about on the journey you've been walking- mistakes or
grand achievements from the past?

On those in need around you?

On your future- where you're going to go
and how you're going to get there?

The long, dirty road you're on and
the hardships that it contains?

Or is it on the everlasting splendor of our great God and King?
LOOK UP AND BEHOLD!

Death and Dying

2010-08-15T04:23:00.000-07:00

These past months I’ve thought quite a bit about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Perhaps this may seem a bit strange to be dwelling upon, or perhaps you don’t have a clue what that is. Let me explain a bit. Being a Psych major, I studied a lot of theories and formulas that humans have created to understand our time on this planet and people in general. Most of it seems a bit strange or weird, but taken with a bit of wisdom, it can be beneficial. I am finding this in regards to our friend, Maslow.

The pyramid that this man created basically states that on the ground level humans are all the same: we eat, sleep, drink, and take care of our basic needs. Once these are met, we can move on to the next level, that of security. Following are love, achievements, confidence, creativity, etc. The goal of the human race is to reach the top of the pyramid, what he calls “self-actualization.” This top rung is only reached when the bottoms ones are achieved. So, what in the world does this have to do with anything?

Having moved to Kosova 2 years ago, I found myself on the nearly the bottom level. “Don’t drink the water here.” “This is how you use this toilet…(not a demo).” “You have to buy your bread here, your meat here, your veggies here, and you can’t cook with the electricity, and most likely the power will go off so learn to cook with candle light”…and millions of other things. I found myself barely functioning. You feel so much like a helpless baby who can’t even do the simplest things for themselves- like communicate, for instance.

The longer I’ve been in Kosova, the more progress I’ve made in climbing levels on the pyramid. But every few weeks I feel I’ve regressed down to the bottom again. I meet someone in the store who speaks another dialect of the words I’ve already learned 2 different ways, and I leave feeling helpless. Someone I’ve gotten close to leaves (this happens every 6 months here). So much of what you’ve been investing your time into flops or is scratched cuz it wasn’t successful. And you find yourself paralyzed. You wonder if it’s worth it. Always in the back of your mind is this thought: if I left here and went back to The States I could take care of my health and body a lot better, I could spend more time studying the Word and growing, I would be able to have friends- real ones that don’t leave after 6 months, and the list goes on. This desire to be creative, to take care of yourself, to be all that you can become…to self actualize is strong. And it’s frustrating to know you’re creative, to know you are capable of taking care of your health, to know who you once were and now aren’t and can’t be any longer.

In some ways I don’t miss who I once was. I realize that who I am now and what I’ve gained is worth far more than what I could have become had I stayed in America. But some days it feels overwhelming; like something died and I should be mourning. And truly it is that! Jesus said, “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.” And again, “Take up your cross daily and follow Me.” It is a death and should be treated as such. But it is a good sort of death. Sort of like when we attend a funeral for a believer- we mourn the loss, but also rejoice in the greater blessing.

So, that’s where I find myself today- dead and trying to rejoice in that. I can’t lie it is harder than I can bear each day. Praise the One who supplies all grace and strength needed to hold up and walk onward!

Doctors, etc...

2010-07-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've lived in Kosova for nearly 2 years now (wow, can you even believe that?!?). During that duration, I've had a chance to visit some of the local doctors. I've heard horror stories, so I am always pretty skeptical when I go- let's see if you are the same after you read my compilation of stories from the doctors around Kosova...

December 2008: Severe chest pains. Went to the local ER in my city. Had the name of the on-call heart specialist- that equaled a free ticket to by-pass all the lines. No wait... Had an EKG, which required me to strip from the waist up. I was in a public room with probably 5 other beds, a doctor's desk, and no divisions for privacy. I remember feeling like it was an "out of body" experience cuz I couldn't handle the thought of what was going on right then. Then I went for a chest x-ray. They couldn't find the tech...come to find out he was either sleeping or drunk- it was a dimly lit room, and I couldn't tell which it was when he staggered out of the door. The whole thing ended up costing: $7 for the x-ray, $5 for the EKG, and $20 to meet with the heart doc. That visit in the States would have been over $1,000!

July 2009: Could hardly move due to back pain. Went out to a village where there was a man that "worked" on backs. Walked up to his gate, entered into his courtyard, and then walked under the stairs on the exterior of his house to a tiny room that equated his office. He smelled of Raki- the strong, local alcoholic drink... First order of business was to "reset" my nerves. This is done by taking the nerve bundle from behind the knee, pulling it as far away from the knee as can be (most split-second pain I've ever been in!), and moving it around. This resulted in one of the largest bruises I've had in my lifetime, and severe pain that inhibited me from walking too well for about a week. Next order of business was to tie my hair up in a severely used scarf. My roommate said I looked like I fit into the religious system here quite well. The scarf was to keep my hair from getting caught in the pulley he was about to string me up on. He next took two used, yellowish-looking pillow and placed them under each of my arms. This was added before the rope was wrapped under them. He then had me stand on a stool so I could be pulled up to the ceiling. The stool was next dropped out from under me...He quickly pulled me out of the rope, pulled up my shirt, and showed my roommate the small mark across my back where he claimed my nerve had moved back into place. This visit was free cuz I was an American and had saved his life during the war- Yep, that was me on the plane that bombed with NATO...how'd he know?!?

July 2010: Back pain again. Visited a more sophisticated chiropractor. Actually within the city limits! I was the 3rd from my group that went back. By that time the doctor was pretty sweaty, and the room smelled strongly of sweat. First order of business was to check how my back felt, since we weren't doing an x-ray. Well, we all know the bones to the back begin pretty far down...so, that resulted in some uncomfortable moments that followed. Thankfully his wife walked in a few minutes later- whew! Part of his procedure was to wrap his arms around me and yank up as hard as he could while I was sitting down- he did this about 8 times. Next I laid down on the table, face up, and he began to "reset" my nerves...his style this time. (Praise God he didn't touch my knees- I was ready to kick him in the face if he even came close to them!) His style involved pinching each of my toes for a minute or more. This would have been fine, had one of my baby toes not been broken. I told him it was after about 30 seconds of pain, but he didn't seem to care. I am not sure which "reset" I preferred...I think they should bypass this step all together if you want to know my personal opinion! He then lathered my body from the top of my neck down my back to my buttocks with a Kosova version of Icy Hot (this too was awkward). He was a really nice guy and wasn't meaning to make me feel at all uncomfortable...but nearly the entire time I was back there, I felt like I was part of a dirty scene in a sketchy movie. And for what? He couldn't even get my back to pop even once- the muscles were so tight. I was told to come back in a week...Not sure it's going to be worth it, but I'm desperate so I will give it another try. This time it cost $20- he wasn't so keen on which nationality I was...

So, there you have it; all my doctor experiences! I am curious as to if any of you are jealous? I would be more than happy to arrange for you to pay some of them a visit! But until then, be thankful for your health care- even if you hate it. It could always be worse...this I know!!!

Emptiness

2010-07-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

The summer is drawing near an end, at least in terms of summer programs with my team here. It has been an intense time of ministry, giving of myself, being exhausted, so much planning, and saying goodbye to so many close friends! Now that it is coming to a close, I am left feeling depleted and completely empty- beyond what words can portray. We all have times like this in life- where we've invested everything. It's part of living...but where do we go when we reach the bottom?

The hardest part of it all is that normally in the busyness of schedules and plans, prayer and listening to His Word gets put lower down on your priorities...Or maybe that's just cuz I'm not so holy yet. ;-) But it is really hard to regain your heart for prayer, your passion to delve into the depths of the Word, the quietness of heart to listen to His still voice, and the joy of journeying deeper into His heart. So, with the tiredness and emptiness come a feeling of aloneness. You wandered from Him, and the devil tries to convince you that He left you cuz you were too busy for Him or weren't faithful- WHAT LIES!

He's the Answer to all! He's the Rest for my weariness. He's the Companion in my aloneness. He's the Hope to my future. He's Fullness to my emptiness...

Now if only I could get my heart to listen to the Truth and rest in my All In All- the Great I AM who is eagerly awaiting my heart and attention this very minute!

PBC- Second Summer Team

2010-07-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

On June 29th a group from the youth group I grew up in came to visit my team for 10 days. Here's the amazing couple that led them- first met them 10 years ago when we traveled to Mexico together... What a journey that first trip sparked for me with them and in missions!

The group headed straight up to camp to do a few projects to get the camp ready for the summer camps that began the following week.

In the process my little toe got broken :-(
But praise God that that was the only injury!

The last day at camp the group trekked up the mountain for a few hours. Such a beautiful view!!

With the finished product of their work- just needs a roof now!

A few of my friends that helped put on a missions panel for the youth to ask any questions. They also shared their lives and stories with the kids. It was fun!

A kids club at the Vision Center where my team works.

Crafts and making books together.

Headed out to the village next. One of the local believers translated for us and he got to share his heart and his story with these really "thirsty", seeking, older boys.

Pretty much a miracle any time you can get these kids to sit down, listen, or be unified in doing something. God was present with us on this day...as you can see!

The following day we headed out to a run down, old building to love on some really poor families. This man is bed-bound due to being crippled after the war. He's been reading his Bible that has been given him, but he's pretty confused on the meaning of the majority of it. Keep praying for God to continue to open his heart to Him!

God continually is putting the girl in the middle with the pink shirt on on my heart. She's mute and everyone calls her dumb and she's not allowed to attend school. But oh how God loves her and has a plan for her life. Keep praying for transformation from the inside out!

Doing the drama at the Konvikt, the rundown building in my city.

Another kids group in a village my team works in.
Teaching them baseball...haha!

What a blessing you all were to me, my team, and the kiddos here! I love you guys so much. Thanks for coming to see us!!

Until next time...

Thought Provoking

2010-06-24T05:24:00.000-07:00

Don't have time to write the millions of things that I wish I could be blogging about (it has been like drinking from the Firehose of God lately). But I found this on my pastor's blog and wanted to pass it on to you guys:

“People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, and obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.” Quoted from D A Carson's: For the Love of God.

Here's Matt's blog if you want to read his thoughts on it as well.

Inner Struggles

2010-06-11T07:01:00.000-07:00

These last 2 years I have been battling a lot of internal junk- things I was raised with, things that are part of my culture, things that are just simply accepted and not thought about, religious things, and a whole slew of stuff! It has been rough, but something I wouldn’t trade anything in this world for… So here’s a glimpse into one of the many struggles- feel free to send me an email or Skype with me about it. I know I am blunt and judgmental so often.

Before I begin, I want to quote John Piper from his book: The Roots of Endurance (about John Newton, Charles Simeon, and William Wilberforce). “There is a mind-set in the prosperous West that we deserve pain-free, trouble-free existence. When life deals us the opposite, we have a right not only to blame somebody or some system and to feel sorry for ourselves, but also to devote most of our time to coping, so that we have no time or energy left over for serving others.

This mind-set gives a trajectory to life that is almost universal—namely, away from stress and toward comfort and safety and relief. Then within that very natural trajectory some people begin to think of ministry and find ways of serving God inside the boundaries set by the aims of self-protection. Then churches grow up in this mind-set, and it never occurs to anyone in such a community of believers that choosing discomfort, stress, and danger might be the right thing—even the normal, biblical thing—to do.”

If I would have read this quote a few years back, I would have freaked out. Suffering? Me? Yikes! And yet, here I am, living and working in Kosova for nearly 2 years, and I would say now: “Sign me up!” Not cuz I am a sick, twisted human being who likes suffering and pain, but rather I embrace it and to some extent long for it, because I know where it takes me: nearer to my precious Saviour! And so the thought that continually floats back into my mind is this: if we truly believed, truly believed the Word of God, how vastly different our lives would look!

Why am I seen as weird or abnormal, leaving my family and home country, in the church? Why am I the person who stands out as slightly odd and different from others? Why is it that one of the most common questions that I receive in emails is this: ‘When are you coming home?’ Read through the Word- I am not odd. I am not so different. Most of the stories in the Bible have people who leave their home countries, who aren’t near their families, who invest their life and all into a cause that God placed on their heart.

Now, before I proceed, hear this: I am not saying I am holy or amazing or even more special. What I am saying is that I am struggling with these issues. I am just a broken seeker, trying to follow God’s path for my life. Right now it is in Kosova; maybe next year I will be back in America- who knows!

But my issue is this: why, if we say we believe in the entire Word of God, don’t we live it out? Why don’t I give everything to know Him? To be known by Him? To use my life as a tool for others to know Him? Why don’t I wake up each morning, thinking not about me, but in prayer? How in the world did an entire nation of people come to a place where they think they are loving and following God, and yet they live each moment and second of their lives for their own gain, their own worth, and their own agendas?

I have reached a point in my life where you could offer me a mansion, the nicest of all cars, a stable job, or anything that the flesh could long for and I would honestly want to turn it down. Why? Not because I have walked those roads already, but merely because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that none of those things bring the richness I’ve found in life here. I am not saying I live in squalor- my house is pretty nice. I have amazing food. Good friends. And most days I am utterly happy. But compared to my life in the US, in regards to comforts, life here lacks severely! So, why stay? Because I know and I am convinced that life is about 3 things I mentioned earlier: knowing Him, being known by Him, and leading others to know Him. Right now, Kosova is where I have found myself driven to knowing Him in the most intimate of ways. Right now, I am finding it is the most beautiful thing to sit before Him and allow Him to search the depths of my heart. And right now, I am surrounded by thousands of people who don’t even have a clue who He is or that He loves them.

I am not saying you should pick up your feet and get on a plane and join me here (unless God has told you that). But what I am saying is this: are you seeking out suffering? Have you insulated your life with comforts and ease? Do you seek to know Him daily, be known by Him, and make Him known in your sphere of life? What fills your thoughts and heart?

God is waking up this world to His name and His renown; of this I am sure. Are you ready to be His witness? If you hesitate in answering that question, it may be time to do a bit of heart (and possession) surgery! I pray for you all, and I know each of you in the US has a journey in front of them that is more difficult to walk and live than mine. To follow Him wholeheartedly in a posh, prosperous place…now that is just about like a camel going through the eye of a needle! ;-)

Summer Teams Begin

2010-06-11T03:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I am still here in Kosova, doing ministries and loving on kiddos and youth...though my blog hasn't really reflected that as of late (sorry!).

On June 1st, our first of 3 short term teams for this summer arrived.
Our lives have been full of programs, wild children, stories, lives shared, and just some really great times together. It has been great to have them here!

Here we are in the center my team rents out in village about 20 minutes away from my house. This ministry is pretty new still, but God has really blessed us with some good kids that attend our meetings.

We also had the chance to work alongside a couple that ministers out in a Roma/gypsy village a ways away from my home city. LOVE these kids!

Yep, this is me with my heart getting stolen...once again!

In this picture we have represented:
Australia, Japan, Switzerland, Albania, Romania, England, and South Korea!

"Let the little children come unto Me, for such is the kingdom of heaven..."

And a bit of fun up at camp thrown in!

New Apt Tour

2010-05-31T07:04:00.000-07:00

A few before and after shots of the
living room and my bedroom:

A video tour of the whole apt:

Reality of the World

2010-05-26T04:30:00.000-07:00

In January one of the ladies that was working in my city went on furlough. She had a preschool that needed someone to run it while she was away for a few months. So, in February one of the girls on my team and I took over this program. Before this lady left, we went to visit all the families to begin contact with them. The families were poor, and many had serious economic or social difficulties, ie: father in prison, unemployment, abusive dad, etc. It broke my heart! But one of the girls has quite the interesting set up at home. The mother lives here in this city with her two girls. Her husband lives in a western European country and is married to another woman; trying desperately to get a passport so he can take his family out of Kosova (normal idea here, but interesting way to go about doing it). When we went for a visit the mother was dressed in frumpy clothes, the house was a mess, smoke filled the room, and there was evidence of many cigarettes on the coffee table. One girl was at school, and the other was riding her bike, yes, her bicycle, around the living room- over our feet even! So, this is how our relationship began...

During the last months, it has been pretty interesting with all the families, not just this one. But most interesting of all is this little girl and her family. Her mom is pretty depressed and really searching for fulfillment in external, worldly things. The girl is a spoiled brat that throws temper tantrums all the time. It's a pretty dysfunctional family!

So, enter today; our last day of preschool. The last house we came to drop the children off at was this one. As we drove up, a strange man started to slowly walk out of the house (there are often strange men around...). The little girl's face froze, and she stopped throwing the temper tantrum she was having in the back seat. One of the ladies from the church got out and tried to figure out who the man was while the little girl cowered in the back seat. The man claimed he was her uncle and her mom was out visiting someone who was in the hospital. We had no choice but to leave the little girl with the man. I got chills up my back as I watched him grab her hand and slowly lead her back inside the house. As we were driving back to the preschool, we met the mom a little ways off and she said that the man was her friend and it was alright. I guess it is the simple fact that the stories don't match up, but I feel so unsettled about what took place.

The little girl is four old, and yet she's been exposed to more of this world than I have, in some ways. I can't even imagine what sort of life stands before her if nothing changes. May the God who came to seek and save that which is lost step into this little girl's heart and mind. May He restore and redeem her and her family to Himself. Please, please, please join me in praying for this baby and the other ones that face similar circumstances each day!

Ministry Update

2010-05-12T08:00:00.001-07:00

I realize it has been quite a while since I wrote on my blog. Instead of spouting out a list of excuses, I will just apologize. That being said...I have millions of things that I could put on here. What stories I have from the past months! But those will hopefully come later on. Right now I just want to throw up a few pictures and give a little glimpse into my life right now. And hopefully I will come back in a few days (or weeks) and put the rest up...hopefully! ;-)

Here's a few of us girls doing a cleaning project
in a poor area of Peja, my city.

Here's part of the youth group that I took over in January. Summer's coming, so this will sort of fade into the background as teams come. But come Fall it will be revamped and begin again. Please keep me and the 2 other people that are leading it with me in your prayers.

We finally found a house! WooHoo! Praise God!!!
However, the house was bright orange, hot and light pink, and smerf blue... Needed a bit of "calming down" before it was live-able.

Here's the after shot of the kitchen- I love my new house.
Thanks for all of you that prayed for it!

Outside my window are 5 big dumpsters. There are many, many poor people in my city that find their only source of living from digging through them. Please pray for these men and women! May God touch their hearts as He has done ours!

Here's another mosque that is being built not far from my house. Interesting that the government finds money to fund these, but can't help the poor people? I think so as well! May God reign down His love and Light upon the darkness enveloping this land!

My current team. About 3 months ago 2 new girls came. In 1.5 months 2 girls will go. Sort of feels like my team is a revolving door right now. But God is moving powerfully in many of their lives and hearts! Keep them in your prayers.

Without the Lord's touch, we are blind!
Without His grace, we are lost!
Without God's hope, we live in despair!
Without the Almighty's plan, we wander aimlessly!
Without Jesus' love, we are dead!

Don't forget these Truths as you go about your day.
They are the foundation to life!
Start here and go forth...into all the world!

OT Thoughts

2010-03-26T01:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been slowly trucking through reading the entire Word. I feel like the tortiose- I know it isn't a race, but the goal was to read It through and one day I will achieve! Haha. My plan of action was to have my list of all the books and all the chapters in front of me and tick them off as I read them. (Something in me rebels against the normal structures of reading it through, so I am picking my own path) *I wouldn't recommend this way unless you already have a grasp on the Big Narrative and Story that is going through the entire Word.* This has taken me through a great portion of the OT, and so I wanted to share just a few thoughts I found interesting lately:

- Leviticus 23:42 (Just referencing this, haven't read the book through yet)- God commands the Israelites to live in "booths", or makeshift houses for an entire week. It is to remind them of how He delivered them from Egypt. But it just struck me as cool- God just commanded them to go camping, basically. To do without all the "modern conveniences" of their own homes. To fast (yikes) from their possessions and comfort and remember His provision and grace upon their past and implications on their future. How we all need to do this regularly as well!

- Nehemiah 9:36- This verse struck me as so profound and applicable! I am going to quote it: "Behold, we are slaves this day; in the land that You gave our fathers to enjoy its fruit and its good gifts, behold, we are slaves." Wow! How often do we do and live in the same manner. God gives us freedom, life, joy, hope, love, and blessings beyond number and we walk away. Trade it in for a big screen TV and the endless episodes we can fill our lives with. Or a car that is way bigger than we need, just so we can show our status to those around while we grind ourselves into debt with the bills and gas payments. Or how about making someone Ultimate in our hearts, lives, and decisions and they fall short cuz they are but a mere sinful human prone to mistakes. Or one I struggle with over and over: I can do it in my own strength, my plans are best, and I just need You to bless them and walk beside them. We enslave ourselves in the Promise Land and don't even see or feel it so often.

- Exodus 16 begins the journey through the wilderness to the land of Canaan. God takes Israel the long way cuz He knew their hearts weren't ready to receive the blessings He had prepared for them. He had to break them beforehand so they could see HIM in all things. They had gotten used to the "meat and fine foods" in Egypt. As they walked, they remembered that and not the bondage that accompanied those delicacies. God had better food and things in store for them, but had they walked straight into The Promised Land from Canaan, they would have thanked themselves and left God out of the equation all together. How merciful and beautiful of Him to strip them away and leave them with just Him! He knew what their hearts needed and they needed to be pruned. I think that has applied to my own life over and over again. Looking back I can see how I enslave myself with something, I cry out to Him for saving, He does, but He doesn't deliver me into blessings right away, but rather He takes me the long way through the desert to see Him more clearly. "I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You..." Job 42:5

Hope these touched your heart in just a small portion as they did mine!

Eek...Fasting!

2010-03-24T04:12:00.000-07:00

This is one of my least favorite topics to talk about, and even more so my absolute least favorite to partake in. Oh man, there is something about fasting that I truly just loathe. I know it has to do with my flesh and it's craving for ease and comfort. Somehow I've mastered living life in ways that I put myself in circumstances that I have to do without. However, it is an entirely different thing to do without when you have it sitting right in front of you! I so often convince myself that fasting for me is pointless cuz I just sit there and try my hardest to pray and think on other things besides the fact that I feel I am starving and that I feel this discipline is pointless right then. The funniest part of it all is that I often skip meals and go a long time during the day before eating. But that's only if I am doing other things and haven't made a conscience effort to not eat...

And so in the midst of all that, I still know that it is a good discipline to do and do regularly. I am just really terrible at it, if we were honest here. And so today, once again, I tried to humble my heart, my desires, and place Him and His desires above my own. There have been some things going on in life that really needed prayer, so I committed to fast this morning. Don't laugh, but I made it to noon before caving in! (I can truly rationalize my way out of anything when it comes to fasting) And as I got up to get my raspberry yogurt out of the fridge that had been calling my name for a few hours, the mosques nearby began their mid-morning call to prayer. And I had to stop and think. What an amazing God I serve. Who doesn't look at me and see my inability to serve and love Him with my whole heart this morning. Who doesn't judge and say, "When are you going to learn to just deny yourself? You would be much better off if you would just listen and obey Me!" He's not ashamed or embarrassed He called one so pathetic as me. I don't have to fast for a month to earn His favor like the people surrounding me believe. I don't have to pray on my face 5 times a day to win His approval... Somehow in the midst of all my faults; He delights in me, with all my weaknesses and imperfections.

Rejoice, you have a God who loves you, delights in you, cherishes you, and has given you the amazing opportunity to share Him, the Greatest of All Gifts, with those around you!

Not Gettin Out of Bed!

2010-03-21T02:36:00.000-07:00

This morning I had a flashback to my growing up years, in particular the teen years. This morning I woke up at 7am and was reading and praying through some things. It is Sunday so my thoughts turned to going to church and getting ready for that. And I just really felt like I shouldn't. This week has been longer than any other week I can remember in my life, and I just really needed to get back in my bed. So, I reluctantly ignored the text on my phone from a friend inviting me to banana pancakes at the bakery next door, mentally thought through what it meant to not be at church, and pulled the covers back and climbed inside. It felt weird! I knew I wouldn't sleep, but I also knew that I needed to rest. So, for an hour or so I laid there and thought about life, team stuff, my work here, the people I've come to love and cherish, and so many other things. Then my thoughts floated back to a time in my life when I always was in my bed. I was severely depressed and all I ever wanted to do was sleep. Everything felt overwhelming and out of control. I couldn't handle anything, so all I ever wanted to do was sleep. Once I got into college, this pattern continued a bit, but not as severe. However, as I was considering my major, I came across a Christian professor who taught psychology. She was a big influence on my choice of taking that path. But one thing she said has always stuck with me: "A person who struggles with depression before they are 18, when their brain is still forming, will struggle with depression for the remainder of their life in different degrees." Right there I felt and thought I knew for sure, my fate was sealed...

What I didn't take into account is God's grace! It has been years since I struggled and really battled with depression. This isn't to say that I won't again or that I don't have my days or weeks that I feel overwhelmed and out of control. But it doesn't rule my life, dictate my plans, or effect and harm those around me as it did. I am free! And here's what I think the reason why is.

Before I begin, I want you to know that I am not giving a formula or check list on how to live life. This is my own story and I am sharing simply because I think it gives Him the glory due Him. Every life and heart is different. You must seek Him to find your own healing and path!

The first thing is that I believe my heart to be healthy. During the years of depression, it involved a lot of hiding; namely from myself. So, learning to be honest with myself, God, and those around me (utterly honest!) was the first step. Secondly, I discovered the God of the Bible. Growing up I thought Him to be controlling, caring more about running the world and it didn't matter what happened to me in the process, desiring my obedience at any cost, Someone who had a list of rules in one hand and a rod in the other, and so many other things that were vastly wrong! He is running the universe. He is a God of order and rules. He does possess all control. But accompanying all those things is His overwhelming grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, and wonderful heart for His children. Once I realized these two things, it took the huge pressure off myself that I had put there to be perfect for myself and God. I was beginning to breathe again!

And lastly, I took my life and decided to stop investing it in me (this one isn't fully mastered- don't hear me say that...). My life and decisions and choices were centered and focused on me- how to protect my pride, how to get all the things I wanted, how to be looked upon as someone amazing and wonderful, etc. It has been a long process, and I still have so far to go, but I am progressing. I can see and feel this each day.

When I lived in The States it was so much easier to focus my life and thoughts around me. It was simply at my fingertips. Here it is so obvious- nothing is about me, my comfort, or my pride! Everyday I wake up to this- with the power off, the lack of easy things to cook, people who don't understand or appreciate all the time and effort I am pouring into them, and hundreds of other things. Christina is just a little peon. And let me tell you something so profound: I was made to be just that! So, my fullness of joy, hope, life, and love are only found when I walk in that. Life isn't about me, and I won't ever have any fullness in life until I truly proceed forth in that manner.

And I wrestle and struggle everyday with why God choice me to live this? I am so judgmental and I don't know how to gently say things so much of the time. I so often want to throw my computer across the room as I read Facebook and Twitter updates about TV shows, all the money spent on decorating a room for your baby, complaining about jobs, new cars, and the list is endless. God does give us joy and created our hearts to find pleasure in earthly things. That's not wrong, but what is wrong is making those things ultimate. And that is what I see and feel all the time. How can we read the Word and believe it with all our hearts and not sell out for it? Do you believe Jesus is the only way to the Father? That in Him is the only fullness of life, joy, and love? I have a country of thousands upon thousands that have never heard those words. Do you believe hell is a reality? How about Satan's existence? The oppression and reality of both those things leave me in tears and speechless time after time as I stand overlooking my city. Do you think porn, pre-marital sex, and adultery ruin the heart and therefore life? There probably isn't a boy in this country that passes the age of 12 without viewing porn. There probably isn't a girl here that isn't taught that her body is the key to her worth and future happiness in claiming the best husband. Most men frequent the hotels and other venues to find a woman other then their wife to sleep with. A woman is not to be loved; she's to be used... And I could list so many other things.

Some days I hate being on the front lines and having my heart ripped from my chest with images, stories, burdens, and just the oppression of it all. Some days I feel the blessing and privilege that He brought me here to be used by Him for His glory. But every day, I wrestle with how to share what I am learning and what I've seen. I am but a mere broken instrument. Nothing at all special. So, here's my humble plea: Pray with me! War for this country and others around the world. God is at work all throughout His universe! Come visit. Have your eyes and heart opened and broken for the world. I promise you will walk away changed and with a deeper view of Him. Support someone through your emails, letters, money, etc. I can honestly tell you that apart from Christ and His Word, the fuel for my life here is faithful men and women who constantly pray for me, encourage me, and love on me. I am nothing without them! But most here don't have that. They labor and toil silently and frustrated that no one back home cares. And that breaks my heart. Mission work isn't to be done alone, but most of the time it is.

So, there's my soapbox. I hope in some way it touched or stirred your heart. Know that I am praying for you and I love you more than words can depict!

Forgotten and Abandoned?

2010-03-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

Having lived in Kosova for over 1.5 years, my perspective on a lot of things has broadened, changed, and in many ways, been enriched. There's something about this place that grabs hold of your heart and won't let go. It isn't the endless litany of the mosques. I am pretty sure it isn't from the rounds of gunshots at sporadic times (into the air). It's not from the inquisitive or even provocative inquires that happen on the street or on visits. I am sure it's not from the mud and trash filled streets. Nor is it found in the power cuts, the undisciplined, rowdy children, the insane traffic, corruption around every turn, the harsh winters... I could actually make this list of "isn't's" quite long. Truly there are many things about this place that get under my skin, irritate the snot out of me, and drive me bonkers- to use a few American expressions. However, the list of why I love this place always is longer, thus the reason I remain in this interesting country; so full of backward things and broken ways.

While all these things listed above are true and could be coupled with dozens of other things, the heart of God dwells in the midst of this place. How great was the Father's love for us, that while we were yet backward, wayward, rebellious, broken, proud, sinful Americans, er...Kosovars, or maybe just people, He died for us! What a Truth to behold; and I get glimpses of this each day. I want to share a few of these glimpses from the recent weeks.

If you are at all familiar with Eastern Europe, then you have heard of the Roma, or as you probably refer to them: gypsies. They are the poor, the outcast, the socially rejected among European countries. We have a couple Roma villages nearby my city. Therefore, we have a number begging, driving their makeshift wagons pulled by their horses that are on their last leg, swimming in the fountain, digging through the trash bins, etc. Mostly they are ignored. They have their place in society, and usually that is to be left alone and to leave the other people alone. The children aren't allowed to attend school in many places, and in other places just socially rejected. Thus the vicious cycles perpetuates itself. But Oh How He Loves Them! Words can't describe how deep the Father's love is for these downcast, lonely people. As the women sit on the streets, voices raw from years of begging, years of weeping themselves to sleep each night, crying out in anguish as their husbands return yet again drunk and abusive. As children are thrust into a life of despair, taught their only worth is what they can bring in through begging, and slowly fit the life expected and projected upon them. As the men worry where their next meal will come from, fret about their pregnant wife and the additional mouth that will mean, or how life has treated them so badly. God sees them right there in that moment. My all time favorite name of God in the Bible is: El Roi. The God who sees! How powerful is that. (I would encourage you to read the story of Hagar and see the context of when this name was first used by God).

Each night I lay awake waiting or am awoken by a Roma man who digs through the dumpsters outside my building. He comes about midnight or a bit later. The first few nights I was annoyed at the rummaging sounds happening on the street below, but the more I thought it through and realized what was going on, the more my heart softened. What brokenness must have happened in his life for him to earn his living by trying to sell other people's garbage. And how do you keep your pride in tact in the midst of this sort of life: you go at midnight. So, he's become my Nighttime Buddy. I may never see his face or know his name, but he gets prayed for by me each night. And what immense joy I've found in the fact that I may not know his name, see his heart or even his face, but God does- He's the God who sees! May the Lord save him not just from a life of despair, but may He have mercy on his soul!
As I was walking through the center of my city the other day, a big wind storm hit, and it began to blow hard and sprinkle. I wondered if the wind was going to rip our coats and scarves off! But I walked by a teenage Roma boy that was hunched down on the sidewalk, crouched over a piece of cardboard with some words scribbled out upon it. And I remember wondering what it was that made him decide to spend his day in this manner. Was he crippled? Did he have some disability that prohibited him from helping out in his community? Why wasn't he at least digging through trash to sell things? And other questions ran through my mind. And the wind picked up and took that boys cardboard sign off the ground, along with his few coins, and hurled it into the street amongst the throngs of traffic. The young man leapt to his feet and darted out into the lanes of cars, chasing his sign that was bouncing up and down between the cars. And it was then I realized why he was sitting on the side of the road. Physically he wasn't crippled, but he'd been fed lies his entire life and had become mentally crippled. He was taught that money is earned by sitting on your rear end and begging. How many countless other children become crippled in this same way. But Oh how He longs to save them, and even the crippled-ness and death in their soul!
I could go on and on with stories that I've come across on a day to day basis. But you get the point. God's heart is here! He so longs to call these men, women, and children to Himself. Many may look at the situation and say that He's forgotten them, and yes, maybe it appears as such. But I know better! They are not forgotten!!! They are loved! They are wanted! They are treasured! And you may wonder how I know this and get this out of such a dreadful situation(s). Simple... I am here. He called me here. He called my friends here. He is still calling others here. And what is more- He's stirring your heart to pray for a country, a people, an individual that you've never been to or known. Abandoned or forgotten- NEVER! His heart dwells in their midst...this I believe with every ounce of my being and each breath that I take in.

So, what does this mean for you- sitting on your couch in America (or wherever)? Please pray! More than anything I do or say, prayer comes first and is the foundation, the work, the essence of all that the Lord is doing in this place. I've never believed that more than at this moment! Fill your mind with thoughts of things that aren't just revolving around you. Think upon the Roma people. Picture your life in regards to you earning your entire living by digging in a trashcan or begging on the street. Expand your horizons! Don't get stuck in your comfy comfort zone...

Oh God is doing work here and all around the world in mighty, powerful, amazing ways. We have the chance, no, the privilege to partner, or better yet, be used by the Almighty, Victorious, All-Powerful, Reigning King of the Past, Present, and Future! Let that take your breath away. And when you get your lungs full again...bow your head and exhale it all again in exhalation and petition. He's worthy- of that I promise you!

I'm Free!

2010-02-28T23:23:00.000-08:00

Like the previous post said, I just moved into my new flat. It is the 5th place I've lived in the year and a half since I've come to Kosova. I was standing looking around at all the boxes and moving clutter and I said to my friend- "I think I should have a house warming party. Just to celebrate answered prayers and what I hope is my last move for a long time." We chatted about that for a while, and then I began to get worried. I remembered what a house warming party is...people bring you gifts! So, I told her- "Well, we can only have a house warming party if everyone promises to not bring me anything!" We laughed at that, but the last thing I need right now is more stuff! After moving 5 times (and it has been about 14 in the last 4 years...) recently, stuff becomes a hassle; to say the least. And reality stands, I don't need most of the junk I think I do...

However, it just struck me as funny, because I would never have said that in The States. We always want Baby Showers, Wedding Showers, House Warming Parties, Graduation Gifts, Birthday Gifts, Wedding Gifts...you name it, we want it! We, as people, especially Americans, are so attached to things, stuff, junk, and essentially something that will be in the trash a few years later. But God has been refining me so often lately- having cars catch fire and burn up, getting my stuff stolen out of my car, losing it in the mail, having to give it all away when I moved here, etc. And on the other side of it all, I can now see that stuff doesn't equal happiness...never, ever, ever! And actually the less stuff you have, the more reliant you are on others. Making cookies, but don't have a mixer- go visit your friend who does. Want to watch a movie, but don't have a DVD player, go to your friend's house. Don't have a coffee machine, go visit your favorite coffee bartender. It fosters a healthy sense of community and reliance on others. What we live out and do in America is pretty jacked up: "I need it all for me, just me, in my own house, that I had to have 5 different loans to get, and I am going to fill it will as many things as my credit cards can buy..."

"You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself? This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."
-Luke 12:20-21

Freedom from stuff is a great privilege! Freedom to rely on your brothers and sisters is difficult at first, but a richness beyond words after you conquer your pride and independence. Freedom to not be distracted is a blessing. And Freedom to worship and love God, fully surrendered, clinging to nothing, is marvelous indeed!

Majestic

2010-02-28T00:21:00.000-08:00

So this past week I finally was able to move into my new flat. It has had a few glitches and hang ups, but overall it has been simply amazing to have a home! I will post some pictures of it when I get a bit more settled in, unpacked, and repaint the bright orange and pink walls- Eek!

But for now: here's the view off my new balcony...
simply majestic, He is!

Kosova's Birthday!

2010-02-17T11:15:00.001-08:00

Today: February 17, 2010, Kosova turned 2 years old...
That's a call for celebration!

Spotted one of my friends while walking around.

Even in the midst of all their progress and steps forward,
Kosova has a long way to go.
Keep praying for this place that is so dear to my heart!

A bit of traditional dancing!